For the past few months (some would even say a year), I've been involved with this girl.
She's a train wreck.
Immature, not too bright, belligerent, cold, and other shit I don't feel like writing....
I've been in and out of things with her, always forgiving...patient....understanding....
And today I'm off it. I'm off her.
Pretty sure you're wondering why I subjected myself to such a poisonous person for so long.
I didn't know either, until today.
I want to be happy. I get it know. I want to let myself be happy.
She doesn't really make me happy.
She's like a knife that I use to cut myself.
I was using her to punish myself for how I treated my ex.
It all clicked today.
I used to relish the few moments where we connected and everything seemed worth it, but it wasn't the quality of our fights or even the quantity....it was just the bottom line of how we treat each other.
I had my shortcomings, but fuck....I let my mum read all our texts and she was even perplexed as to why I dealt with such a shitty person.
Because I was a shitty person to someone who was only good to me.
Been cutting myself for a year and some change at this point. I deserve happiness and I don't want to keep myself from it anymore. This may be one of the most sadistic stunts I've ever pulled.
I get it now though at least.
I rather be alone than have to explain the basics of compassion to someone who doesn't care.
I rather tell my problems to a fifth of whiskey than a deaf ear.
I rather take pictures with my friends than plead to have a candid with someone who thinks about social media more than me.
I rather be alone than with someone who doesn't want to be with me...who isn't crazy about me or, at the very least, eager to see me and spend time.
I know how she felt...my ex: the rejection which leads to being truly fed up.
There's no remedy
I want to be happy now. I've served my time.
And if I'm ever at a open bar again, I'll sit alone and drink for two.
It's better than wasting a drink on her.
Later Days, Longer Nights
