Well,

 Does anybody know to plan a funeral? 

Cause I'm exhausted at what the future has in store for me next.

The hits just keep rolling.

Don't Lose This Feeling (Pt. 2)

"You weren't born to be king. You were born to cause pain and suffering and death. That's how it is, that's how it was, that's how it will be. All so that others can achieve the best versions of themselves."

I didn't even get the chance to go home before ruining everything, again.

This perpetual cycle of doing the wrong thing and then feeling the effects of doing so grows tiresome, even though its in my DNA.

Last night was a few things:

-Unexpected

-Personal

-Horrible

And after the smoke cleared, I ended up hurting 2 people that I care about, in ways I know I will regret for the rest of my life.

I didn't sleep until 4 a.m.

I didn't go to work the next day.

I had a strange dream that had nothing to do with the events of the prior night.

This isn't rock bottom, but it feels as if the floor has come crashing through abruptly.

Today I ran some errands and I let it all swirl around in my head with the main question being "Why did I do this?"

A few hours of driving around yielded an idea, which became my answer, which I will have to turn into action, an irreversible one at that.

Even though I don't see it as such all the time, I've immersed myself in lies...so many lies. 

Is it what I've come from or something I just developed? I dont even know anymore.

The lies aren't even for personal gain most of the time. I just fallback on the unshakable feeling that I am not worth any of this...love, life, joy. I'm not even suppose to be here in the first place.

And in my attempts to ground myself in some type of worth, I tend to think that it's best to protect people from harsh truths by using a lie.

A few hours of driving around gave way to what I think is the right thing to do, for her and her. I'm still thinking it all over in my head, but I'm sure i'll still end up doing it cause it scares the shit out of me.

I started to feel better once I understood why I did all this. That doesn't negate the fact that I should feel even remotely fine with what happened...yet the only thing I can do is say my truth and my peace at least once, then let them be.

I didn't want to lose this feeling of doing what's right, even when it will hurt me and others in the end. 

Perhaps the end of the summer will be best, so I can make sure that this is truly the right thing to do for everyone involved.

---------------------------

Hurting people comes too naturally for me and I only found this is one of my undesired skill sets once I moved here. They weren't even the first people I've hurt in this town...this is the worst, but not the first.

I listened to this podcast someone sent me and it was about recognizing that you aren't okay and some methods for healing and one of the speakers was Eric Andre. He mentioned how he journals his thoughts and that's a way to get all the shit in our heads out. Should I have been doing this since I moved here? I used to do it before, but I let life take me away. Perhaps I need to reverse that and be here more, than out there.

Later Days