Chill Wave

Later Days, Longer Nights

*******

Please forgive me upcoming random posts..they do not represent how I am really feeling at the moment.

Someone is after me, but staying at bay simultaneously.

They know about this place, so I rather not communicate with them through this medium.
I won't say when this refrain will be over,
you (the reader) will just know.
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Today I walked from the grocery store in the sweltering humidity of Philadelphia's grip.
With a new pair of work shoes to my left and a gallon of milk to my right, I pushed through the heat wave.

I felt my handle on the gallon of milk slipping very quickly, so I threw it up to my chest, feeling the chill emanate my skin. It was a great relief, albeit a quick one.

And then it hit me.

I miss trivial pleasures like that.

The true little things in life.

Shade under a big tree, blocking the Sun's rays.
A kind gesture added to a compliment.

When did satisfaction become overridden by my pursuit of material goods (and I count money as one too)?
I do not know.
I do not want to know,
I only wish to return.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Saturday

An old poem I found while digging through my books. I want to remember it so, here ya go.

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No light from the Heavens
No fire from hell
I am the great nothing in between
Screaming out for more drinks mixed with codeine
Or Robitussin
One night to fade my mind
Walking in my own personal bottomless sea
My thoughts are a million little movies
All just trying to be released at once
If I'm just skin and bones
Then this feeling is worth it all
Blending desires with my actions
A step closer to immortality
Breath closer to oblivion
With the ground feeling endless
As I lay on it

Later Days, Longer Nights 

Next

It feels surreal.
Tomorrow, I'll be moving to Philadelphia, to crazy days and city lights.

And why can't I accept it? My family is still here in Baltimore, but I can't stay, due to some events.
It's either leave or paying some storage unit to hold my old yearbooks and yugioh cards.

This is such a waste, for a pretty face.

And while I'm out there (in PA), it won't be easy street either. I have to work and grind and try to graduate, all by myself.
No help; although Im accustomed to this, failure will yield more horrendous results.

It's survival starting tomorrow and I just want to claw my way to the top.

Today wasn't that cool either.
I was blessed with a situation that was so new, it disgusted me with its creativity.
I was angry, but it was a sad type of anger that cooled me off.

I want to expound on the scenario  
But it appears I will end here.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Midnight's Fool

It's been a whole day and I still turned out to be the Midnight's Fool

No word, no whisper, no mention

Whereas my heart recalls all the good times

Your mind can't let the problems subside

I kept a close eye on my phone from noon to now

And I've been granted the title of the Midnight's Fool

For thinking you would make me smile

 

Jay Gatsby (The Light)

The old letters gave me a renewed hope.

A valley of one vision that I still hold.

How we both take a deep breath before leaping out that airplane, fluttering over my hometown.

Cut to a candle light dinner under twinkle skies, you in a dress that I love, but despise.

I love it because you're in it. I hate it because I have to wait to undress you from it.

And myself in full on "romance" attire. 

I always allow you to wonder.

Transition to more scenes and different dreams that are easy to grasp;

Time isn't on my side when forever's all I need

As I think next to this desktop lamp of what you could have thought I meant when I said it.

Forever.

Leaving my lips.

The old letters gave me hope.

I hate to lessen this light.

What did she think when I said it all those times?

Later Days, Longer Nights

Jay Gatsby (The Dark)

Why did you leave me when I'm at my lowest?
There is nothing you can say that will allow me to forgive.

I'm coming from nothing, but I will have much. More than I'll ever care to own.
I'll share, invest, reinvest, and ensure that I'll never go back to my humble beginnings.

But unlike Gatsby, it won't be for you.
I won't lie, I won't die.

Perhaps you have another you secretly covet.
One of those pressed clean, bright tie chaps that parade around university.
These are lies are tell myself to reward the ugly truth.
It's just me. I'm the issue.

But I can't lie, I can't die.

Only love and try to understand why.
And only if you read this with your heart, then you might be able to see

How big of a mistake you've made.

Later Days, Longer Nights

This is it

I've had my head in the wet mud many times in life.

Since I was 12, I think I knew that this would be a bumpy ride.

Then it turned into exactly what I expected, but something I could never predict.

Now I'm back to being fine.

Im okay with everything that's been happening.

4 days ago, I wasn't.

I was angry

Sad

Just asking why me. 

Why me?

Well, I got my answer:

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Because I think God really wouldn't give me anything that I couldn't handle.

I know I rarely bring up spiritual or religious matters to this blog, but I do have my beliefs and I try my hardest to stick to them.

But gosh, I really couldn't understand why everything had fallen in place the way it did.

Today, around 5:37 pm,

I found myself reading old letters from friends and family and love.

I read em all.

From 2002, I read the confessions, testimonials, and secrets of all these people who care (some cared) about me and it got me level headed.

I've always had people to love me, even when I thought the opposite.

So, Im back to it. Doing what I need to do, while trying out new things.

For one, I'm going to do something I've never thought to attempt, but I'll have fun nonetheless.

I'm going to be sober. I'm going to take this destructive energy I've cultivated and use it for positivity.

I'm going to do other things and throw myself back into old activities and new passions.

So, for one, expect more posts, and secondly, prepare to see progress.

I'll document all the temptation I'll encounter during this mission of course.

Later Days, Longer Nights

 

Is This It?

Due to another (and ever piling) series of unfortunate events...

I'm moving to Philadelphia. 

Far away from the Norfolk concrete curbs, just north of Baltimore's humming dull activity, closer to Delaware's obscurity. 

I have a job. A place. A plan. 

And I can only tilt my rested head back and wonder if this is the end.

I have to leave two people.

One had it coming.

The other doesn't deserve her fate.

And although Im biased due to both of their totally different situations, 

those two opinions could easily be exchanged.

But it's my life that I have to live because as one wise, fucked up rap artist preached to a legion of misfits,

"At the end, who's there? You"

I want it all to be alright. Or perhaps I need (more) me time.

I get enough of it already, but this change will be my most challenging honestly. 

And it's not happening for me.

I can't get afraid. 

I take that back, I can, but just not enough.

There's that cloud, 

that dark, infinite smog that rains forever.

It's cold embrace screams it all too well.

Screaming that everything "won't" be alright. 

Later Days, Longer Nights