We are not ready for what is out there.

I think about dying a lot.

More than I should.

I figured it out...

I'm too in love with life to ever

 meet it's dreadful father.

This commitment I'm in

This lifestyle they want me to adapt to,

I can never really do.

I'm not the hero type, obviously...

Guess what?

It's just me and my family.

So what am I fighting for?

This place makes me feel hopeless.

Such an odd transformation

Akin to Superman going back to Clark Kent

I take that uniform, put it on,

losing everything that makes me.

In this vessel inserted with regulations, responsibilities, a forced image,

I lose my hair, literally.

The stress takes and I daydream of how it was before,

before another nightmare speaks to me.

Do you know what the color black represents?

Red is passion,

White innocence,

and black is the absence of all that.

The absence of anything.

When I listen,

that's all I see when I imagine a future where they own me.

I'm a fool.

 Honestly.

I don't think bullets can hurt me.

Explosions only occur in Michael Bay flicks,

with the lead escaping certain doom in every scene.

This isn't a gun I carry.

Just another joke bruh.

There goes the enemy.

Black.

 

Empty Glasses

I haven't had a drink since July 11th.

I'm in here listening to "Hold My Liquor" by Kanye West and with each pounding bass beat striking my ear, I can feel myself breathing that deep thought:

The one when you're going to the edge.
Where you see that tipsy line.
You see that you passed it a long time ago.
It's a line made of shadow, cast by the Sun,
but it's dusk now.

An overhead fan whisks around, watering my eyes to a blurred vision.

Need one. Now.
More than ever.
Anything.
Even absinthe.
I hate absinthe.

All those times,
previous,
are memories. Faint, yet sweet on my mind.

Sweet because when I return....
I'll breathe it all in again.

Deeper.

Fall in love all over again, with someone I never really knew.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Korea, Italy, Africa, Germany, Kuwait, Afghanistan, and The U.S.

I'm so through with saying "I love you"

I don't know where to go from here

You should come with me no matter

Proving how I feel has never been so difficult

As I think about how many things can tear us apart

While I'm out drinking with friends or

Smoking a black & mild

And I can't send another text

That doesn't show how much of a jump I'm trying to take with you


When saying the word loses its flavor

All I want to know is when

When will you chew me out

During one rough night where

I can't keep my cool

You don't hold your tongue

Those dark thoughts underneath crack our skin

I just don't want to be a waste of your time



Later Days, Longer Nights

Concrete Clouds

Yesterday,
I smoked a Black and some random gave me some cookies
I was aite.

Went into my room and I felt like shit
Chest tight, lungs filled with airy concrete, and I was not in the best state for a guy
Who hasn't smoked in a couple of months

It was perfect

I am slightly (and secretly) in love with feeling impaired

There's a calm comfort in knowing that with my head high I can still move
Not literally move, but
I can't explain.
Suppose it harkens back to my fascination with destroying myself
A minimal way of enacting that desire
Because I bounce back from it all the time
It be like that,
Some days (or nights) I just need to kill myself a little bit

It's more than just functioning to me
The word "just" is one of my favorite words
Off topic
I digress

No closed caption

Later Days and Longer Nights

Lights Out

I'm stuck in between two thoughts right now.
The lights are out and the mind gets to brewing...

1. Am I a selfish nomad? I'm always on the go and sometimes, I don't even need to go to these places. Dreaming of making a home,yet I don't know how it's suppose to happen. Can you ever take reign of someone's heart who's always too far away from yours?
I treat people bad. I revel in the experience. I regret the act. I repeat.
I forgive. I roam. I think. I want to believe in more, even when I have no clue of what's to come.
Keeping you here, with me, maybe...
Might work out.
You hear me from afar, but I forget my own name from time to time.
Who do hear when you think of me?
Someone who has been dead for a while...probably.
I live up to date,
the version you know is obsolete. 
Savor what I'm falling for? I don't get that gift.
There will always be this cold inside me.

2. Are these actions justified? I get it already... I get busy, 
and I'm only leaving to make sure that when i come back, I got it...

everything I'm looking for in life: 

financial stability, 

success, 

none of this stress,

and maybe, when all those things come to me, the one who held me down while I was running around, will be there still, to get her crown and ring.

I think I know what I'm doing

and

even though I have sowed doubt within the first two words,

it's more than you know.

This is for the greater good, decadent activities included for the release and capture of an unknown.

I still have so much love for what can be, when it becomes.

And I'll be surprised if anyone sticks around.

 

"You could love me if I knew how to lie
But who could love me?
I am out of my mind
Throwing a line out to sea
To see if I can catch a dream"

Later Days, Longer Nights