Right Now at 3 a.m.

I had a talk with my mum.
I was drunk, 7 shots of tequila will do me in, but nonetheless we talked.

I learned something about myself tonight that I can honestly say I didn't think I wanted to know.

My father died before I knew him. This isn't new.
He had children, a son and daughter. This isn't new. I spoke to the son.
He had an inheritance in his will. This is new.

When I spoke to my "step brother who wouldn't even claim me", he acted standoff-ish.
Please excuse my writing, Im drunk as you read and I don't care to proofread.

Now, after that long year, I understand why my "step brother'" acted like he didn't want anything to do with me.
Why he acted like he never wanted to know. I cried after our first and final phone call.
To find out you aren't alone is a magical thing.
To find out that magic has a time span is a mortal thing.

There was money involved.

That's where our deadline started.

Tonight,
I found out that the other half of my unknown family (well at least the most prominent part) didn't want anything to do with me,
just because I would've taken money from them.
Simple green paper.
It hurts so much. I can't even lie when typing this.
It makes me feel like a piece of shit that shouldn't have been.
What kind of love is that?
How can they live with themselves?
When I go to the doctor, I can't even fill out my family's medical history because I don't know anything from both sides.
Mum doesn't tell me anything and Pa's dead, he had sex with a woman who willing chooses to withhold all information on "The Man That Broke Her Heart".

Why am I here? Did the condom just break?
What is my purpose? No one looked out for me the way they should've...why did I get dealt this hand?
Am I here only here to sow chaos into people's lives? It feels like that.

Money kept me from a brother and sister.
Money kept me from a better day.
Money keeps me from looking out for mum more.

And if you're wondering why I'm saying this here, it's because I don't have anyone else I can talk to.
I am effectively alone as I type and as you read.
I love heat, but 
It's the coldest I've felt in a while.
There's nothing wrong with the cold I guess.

A guess is just a fancy way of admitting that you don't know.
Blah blah, I edited this sober. Actually, this last piece right here is being written a couple weeks after the discovery. Nothing came true.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Saiyan

I'm young, hot, strong, and fast.

Why don't I feel it?

I think I'm fun, invincible, creative, and open minded.

Why don't you see it?

I'm a monster.
I'm just saiyan.

Later Days

Last Night

I couldn't really sleep last night.

I mean, I fell asleep, but a part of me was awake too.

I ate some baked beans mixed with grilled chicken, a can of tuna, and some pasta for dinner.
It was an experiment. A bad one.

That was half the reason I couldn't sleep.
The other half was stupid really.

I don't live in a good part of Philadelphia (from what I heard, not from what I believe honestly).

Last night, I thought about this news story I saw back in Baltimore about this little girl who was murdered by a stray bullet entering her home, while she was sleep.
A shoot-out broke in her neighborhood and the shots were just ricocheting everywhere.
Through concrete and plaster, this one bullet pierced...

This sleep, little girl. Gone.

When I first moved into this place, I was worried about that happening to me.
I couldn't sleep fine for a couple of days and then I stopped worrying.

That was the first time in a long time I thought about it happening..

And I couldn't call anyone to tell me how crazy I sounded.
Even though it isn't really crazy, more improbable at the time, I suppose.
Little lies at night, to tuck me in are what I need some time.

Sometimes I laugh at myself.

 Later Days, Longer Nights

Because th e i n te rn et

"I was thinking about it and I can't offer anyone anything."

She starts walking away. Then she looks to the sky and shoots up like a rocket. She looks like a shooting star in the sky. Not a sound is heard while this happens. They never see each other again.

"I'm not scared. I just wanna be with someone who knows me for a little."

NYLA

"What is wrong with you?"

THE BOY

"I don't know."

NYLA

"Me neither."

This is really sad for both of em. They really wanna know. Nyla closes the door.

They're arguing about driving, or cooking with coconut oil instead of olive oil, or something else they themselves will not care about or remember in a month, year, ten years, 100 years, the age of the universe. 

Sitcom laughs always freaked him out. Because most of those people are dead. Those are ghost laughs. Laughs that are supposed to be gone forever linger on earth after every mid 90s joke about teenage sex or someone saying "don't go there". Looking for their mouths, never finding them because they're gone. The laughs don't feel good because they're dead laughs. Those laughs aren't what they stood for anymore. They've been reappropriated. Now they're just sounds monkey descendants make when amused to cue other monkey descendants when to make the sounds at home.

 A family member was needed. Didn't realize that they were each other's only family til this very moment. When you lose that, you basically lose most of your memories, at least the accuracy of your own memories. 

I'm sorry we're alone.

"You ever think we're in hell? This is all hell. Living on earth and being the only ones aware that it's all ending slowly."

Nothing real is ever "fine". Remember this.