Right Now at 3 a.m.

I had a talk with my mum.
I was drunk, 7 shots of tequila will do me in, but nonetheless we talked.

I learned something about myself tonight that I can honestly say I didn't think I wanted to know.

My father died before I knew him. This isn't new.
He had children, a son and daughter. This isn't new. I spoke to the son.
He had an inheritance in his will. This is new.

When I spoke to my "step brother who wouldn't even claim me", he acted standoff-ish.
Please excuse my writing, Im drunk as you read and I don't care to proofread.

Now, after that long year, I understand why my "step brother'" acted like he didn't want anything to do with me.
Why he acted like he never wanted to know. I cried after our first and final phone call.
To find out you aren't alone is a magical thing.
To find out that magic has a time span is a mortal thing.

There was money involved.

That's where our deadline started.

Tonight,
I found out that the other half of my unknown family (well at least the most prominent part) didn't want anything to do with me,
just because I would've taken money from them.
Simple green paper.
It hurts so much. I can't even lie when typing this.
It makes me feel like a piece of shit that shouldn't have been.
What kind of love is that?
How can they live with themselves?
When I go to the doctor, I can't even fill out my family's medical history because I don't know anything from both sides.
Mum doesn't tell me anything and Pa's dead, he had sex with a woman who willing chooses to withhold all information on "The Man That Broke Her Heart".

Why am I here? Did the condom just break?
What is my purpose? No one looked out for me the way they should've...why did I get dealt this hand?
Am I here only here to sow chaos into people's lives? It feels like that.

Money kept me from a brother and sister.
Money kept me from a better day.
Money keeps me from looking out for mum more.

And if you're wondering why I'm saying this here, it's because I don't have anyone else I can talk to.
I am effectively alone as I type and as you read.
I love heat, but 
It's the coldest I've felt in a while.
There's nothing wrong with the cold I guess.

A guess is just a fancy way of admitting that you don't know.
Blah blah, I edited this sober. Actually, this last piece right here is being written a couple weeks after the discovery. Nothing came true.

Later Days, Longer Nights