Stopping Superman

So I broke up with my girlfriend of some odd years and I've been going through it

For one, I haven't had to be single in a long time
Then just not having someone whose been there for a long time disappear is new
Yet, I see the hardest part is the startling realization that I may have to start over with someone new

Start Over

Look at that, could you imagine? Think about starting over anything...
Maybe your hotpocket needs an additional two minutes since your microwave's power is on low
Maybe you forgot to save your dissertation while you were in the fucking academic zone, typing away and your computer crashes
Or maybe your mother develops dementia and she asks her 32 year old daughter, "Who are you?"

Shit sucks, literally

I was in this weird space where I had a feral instinct to go to a "fuck bitches" stage, yet had to be honest with myself and come to terms with my evident feelings I still had for her.

So what did I do? I decided to be civil about it.

Play by her terms. She didn't want to do this (us) anymore and she left, but left with a head tilt possible remark of "We may talk again in the future."

So I played by her rules and didn't talk to her for a good bit
Then I broke and we talked for like 2 days and it was good
Yet, I relapsed and now we don't speak again

Last time she hit me, it was something about my part of town getting bad weather and her wishing me well
I saw that shit when I was at the gym and actively didn't respond
Couple hours later she texts "Or not..."
I hastily replied something along the lines of "Thanks" and kept it moving
I was still being civil at that point

Friday, I had some beautiful Black Thinking Man time in the bathroom
I finally arrived to my truth, the only one I can follow in the end
We play by other's people rules so much that we forget why we resent them
The rules
The people
Or both
I finally arrived and had to come to terms with who I am:

Fuck being civil
That's not me

The space isn't weird for me anymore cause this is what I thought:

I still care deeply for this girl, there's no denying that. I have abandonment issues and regardless of how it's worded, being broken up with is abandonment, so through that logic, she abandoned me. While I still care for this girl, I have to look at what she's done since she's been gone, which is nothing besides that text. In order to move on from a girl who may never talk to me again and will start dating other guys, fuck other guys, kiss other guys, I must listen to that feral instinct and renounce her as nothing more than "another girl". I could say bitch, but I'm not there. She said she broke up with me for herself, so she could get herself right and while I wholly understand that, I know now I'm a passionate ass motherfucker who has only broken up with one or two girls (I think) cause when I'm with someone, I'm with them. That is such a curse to live, but it's my curse. The one moment that lead to this path may seem small from an outside view, yet hear me out:

Before we stopped talking, she made a comment about how she was going through some stuff and I asked her what was wrong and she didn't want to talk about it to me. I know now, as the passionate guy I am, I took that as a huge insult. Through the years, we've struggled with our own problems and always came to each other to hash it out and plan to overcome it, even if we didn't come up with a solution, someone was there to say "It's going to get better." I had become someone who she didn't even want to share the bad parts of her life with and that hurt in hindsight. It hurt a lot. It hurt so much that I didn't even know why it did once it happened.

See, in this fire (see previous post), there's many things I can be: bitter, angry, sad, Hugh Hefner, a grape, etc...I don't think there's anything I couldn't be.
With that honor and dreadful responsibility, I will be Superman.
Although I haven't dug into the Superman mythos as much as I would like, I have listened to an interpretation of him from Max Landis (writer for Chronicle, one of my favorite movies) and this quote created my understanding of Superman as a philosophy when things are tough:
"He's just a guy from Kansas who has the best superpowers. He's unstoppable and instead of absolute power corrupting absoultely, absoulte power has absolved him from fear, and greed, and hate, and all of the weaknesses that stem from human insecurity"

I have my insecurities. I have my weaknesses. I have them because it's a choice, one that was made without our input.
In regards to this, I don't want to choose between longing for someone who appears to keep me on some backburner relationship or being angry and on a faux state of "fuck her, I don't care about her no more", since both of those paths don't do anything for me. I have to rise above both of those feelings that tug at me to go this way or that way.
I have to reset myself because up until Friday, I was still doing things for her, unconsciously.
That's an insecurity.
I did that out of fear of having to start over, going through this mess with someone else, wanting her to come back, not trusting what she deems necessary in order to repair herself, so she could be ready for us again (?), and a whole multitude of other scenarios that all relate to her.
I want to rise above that insecurity.
That is my weakness, to give myself over to someone fully, in this way.
I know I didn't do the best thing as a boyfriend during our tenure and I made some mistakes, but when I told her I wouldn't leave her, I meant that. We were a team and we both have flaws, I am a firm believer of getting through anything the world throws, as long as you have your teammate and love.

Waiting and cursing her out comes off as numbing acts to me.
If I wait for her, I'm numbing myself to a painful truth that it is over and she's not coming back.
If I curse her out, I'm numbing myself to the feelings I do have for her. This has affected me and I'm not numb to what happened,
that's the Superman aspect of it to me;
He feels everything that's thrown at him. A kryptonite empowered punch from Lex Luthor, to a Omega Blast from Darkseid..
I have to learn to feel the bad shit and not resort to anger or some other ill emotion as I usually do to combat the negative. I'm famous for doing that when I don't want to experience something.

No, dig deeper Dominick. It goes past diamond tough skin and near nigh invulnerability. It's will.
It's more than knowing something bad has happened or feeling it.
I will not avoid pain any longer. I can't be destroyed by someone else. I will live forever or die by suicide.
I have to feel the worst of this and keep fighting and flying. Her world hasn't stopped. Why should mine?

 
This whole thing will probably come off as flawed and really confusing, but I know what I mean. I can overcome anything in my way through sheer will, I've done it before.
If I have to put the love down I had for someone else in order to ensure that I will be better in the end, it's a trick I'll be sure to learn fast.
I almost forgot during this whole mess that there's no stopping Superman.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Inferno

I've been thinking lately that I've come from a lot of conflict, ya know...born and bred. Alas, I continuously make it through the fire. Not to say that I haven't had any breaks or easy moments in my own life, but I've mainly always had to take the difficult route.
I've had to cheat, lie, and steal in order to just stay stable and that isn't what I want to do, but it was necessary at times. I don't even know if I'm proud of where I am. I don't know anyone who is.

Also realized that I have abandonment issues. That's another story.

Today, while walking back from the gym, Gary and I caught up and I thought I told him about my dad, step brother, step sister, and the inheritance dilemma I discovered (that's another story), but he said I didn't tell him. After I finished going through everything, he said "Damn, at least you know why you're angry."

I never saw it like that and I can't figure out why. My anger has softened through the years, rising when it wants, yet mostly at a calm.
Even on this lazy Saturday, I'm going through some fire ranging from monetary issues to matters of the heart, and its fire fire fire.
Sounds basic and I'm more than certain there's billions of others going through the same thing, but
I don't know billions of people.
I only know that I exist, so I can only feel my flames

Of course there's a positive spin I could put on the difficulty I encounter in my life:
I have "character" and have developed "discipline" and blah...

At the end of the day, recently, I find I only need simple things:
A hand to hold
A smile to look at
Food to eat
A story to hear
A laugh to share

I can't even get that
Fire

Later Days, Longer Nights

1 Day

I'll be the man I want to be
Whoever that is
Everything will make sense and cents
I'll be in love with her and we'll make a home
Whoever and wherever that is
It'll be warmer
Less confusing
No no no no bad, All good

I might be taller
Definitely wealthy
Maybe a tad crazier
Nonetheless
I'll be better

I'll be able to help anyone out right when they need it
I'll be more attentive, responsible, selfless
There will be no stopping Superman

And someone will see that
It's all in motion
Even though I hate plans, I'll let this one ride

Starting over sucks,
But worth it.

Later Days, Longer Nights 

Coming To Terms

No use trying to fight who you are

I always try to make it back home, even when I don't know where that may be from
time to time
But its the same place more often than not
I can change the layout and the interior
Doesn't matter, thats my home
Where I came from
Who I am

I'm nicer than I would like to be
A bit more tired of the scene than I used to be
Too young to be too good
It's too early for this
Never base your decisions off of another person's feelings

Later Days, Longer Nights

Hol' Up Wait A Min

Self confidence happens to be an elusive beast

I'm still the fucking man.

Gotta remind them where I'm from

Later Days, Longer Nights

No Clue

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I know I'm down though.

I'll find a distraction.

A New Future

If I do this, there's no turning back

I have too many people in my corner screaming for me to make the change

When you fall from this height, the crash is not pretty

Fuck.