Open Bar

For the past few months (some would even say a year), I've been involved with this girl.

She's a train wreck.

Immature, not too bright, belligerent, cold, and other shit I don't feel like writing....

I've been in and out of things with her, always forgiving...patient....understanding....

And today I'm off it. I'm off her.


Pretty sure you're wondering why I subjected myself to such a poisonous person for so long.
I didn't know either, until today.

I want to be happy. I get it know. I want to let myself be happy.

She doesn't really make me happy.
She's like a knife that I use to cut myself.
I was using her to punish myself for how I treated my ex.

It all clicked today.

I used to relish the few moments where we connected and everything seemed worth it, but it wasn't the quality of our fights or even the quantity....it was just the bottom line of how we treat each other.

I had my shortcomings, but fuck....I let my mum read all our texts and she was even perplexed as to why I dealt with such a shitty person.

Because I was a shitty person to someone who was only good to me.

Been cutting myself for a year and some change at this point. I deserve happiness and I don't want to keep myself from it anymore. This may be one of the most sadistic stunts I've ever pulled.

I get it now though at least.
I rather be alone than have to explain the basics of compassion to someone who doesn't care.
I rather tell my problems to a fifth of whiskey than a deaf ear.
I rather take pictures with my friends than plead to have a candid with someone who thinks about social media more than me.
I rather be alone than with someone who doesn't want to be with me...who isn't crazy about me or, at the very least, eager to see me and spend time.
I know how she felt...my ex: the rejection which leads to being truly fed up.

There's no remedy

I want to be happy now. I've served my time.
And if I'm ever at a open bar again, I'll sit alone and drink for two.
It's better than wasting a drink on her.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Over The End

Opinions on things.

They had to calm me down before I did something stupid. I was about to pack up all of my shit and move West.

I'm over waiting for things to fall apart here. It's about to get cold.

The end is clear.

No Frills

I got laid off.

I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next month if I don't get a job.

A girl who likes me doesn't turn me on emotionally.

The girl I do like is bad for me and is wholly immature.

I'm sleeping with a married woman with kids.

I don't know what to do next in my life.

I wanna move out of Philly.

For all this time that I felt neutral in my emotions, I'm starting to realize that it was sadness

and

 I had to call my mum Wednesday before I did something bad.

Constant sadness, day in..night out.

Hasn't started this month, its been this way for a while.

Before graduation.

Before the break up.

Long ass time ago.

I want to feel like someone loves me or that I'm still doing right in the middle of this shit-storm of wrong.

Tired of putting up an act.

All this is the furthest thing from manly and I don't give a fuck.

I've always sucked it up and kept moving.

But you weren't there Wednesday. You didn't see me.

It caught up when nothing was happening.

Today, I don't want to think, I just want to run.

Read The Lines

I don't want to do something I can't come back from

The Sun comes around 

Bounce off the white walls nearby

Wake up

This feels like the day I'll fail

At keeping everything together

Grab my phone

Text mom

Tell someone

Allthesecretsandsadnessbutisitreallyasecretwhenyou'vebeenactingforsolong

Gotta keep it up

This won't even come out the way he wants

Fucked up atoms composed

Discarded, then ultimately retarded

He needs to sleep until it goes away

Then we can go out

Smoking cigarettes with the next girl from Boston

At the beach it's divine

I wasted it on her

Remember you said you would only come here with the girl you planned to marry?

Now look at you

Tanned and none the brighter

Her insecurity is a delight

I'm seeing an unlikely queen

She sees plagues

I almost called the other one to tell her that it wouldn't work out

We'd speak but I wouldn't tell her everything

We could laugh but it wouldn't be all of my joy

Cry but I'd hold some of my tears

But I can't do that 

I'd be more alone

Dwindling dollars don't make a man desperate

You were in this spot the whole time

Here with me

I've caressed your face while you were asleep

Kisses in the dark

Right on the side of your eye

The address is a cave

My good is tortured by my hunger and thirst

Into evil

It isn't evil though

On 8/25 I tried to bring it the to front

Ended up burying it 

"Just forget I said anything. Sorry to bother you."

Got em

Modern Swinger

Running out of time
From my empire of dirt.

Post Grad

I was reading up some excerpts from Alan Watts and that guy was brilliant.

I was waiting to graduate and waiting to get a job and waiting to make money and waiting to start my life and waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting                                                                                          for
                                                                                 what?

We're here. We got the piece of fancy paper with italics and ink.
What for? What now?
Busying prepping for tomorrow so much that my today's got wasted.
So when tomorrow isn't shaping up to be what you planned, well then looks like you got no fucking plans until you plan up another fucking plan.

The Western Cycle of Life

I can't zombie myself out at a 9-5 forever.
I don't love my job.
More quotas will be just be announced. When I make that quota, there will be nothing but a higher quota to attain.

What did we set ourselves up for?

I'm the supervisor for people that are older than me.

I caught this at an early age, yes...that's good.
What you gonna do with knowing?

Later Days, Longer Nights

Here For

Nothing

Tiger

Prepping for graduation and other ventures

Only writing to say I haven't forgot

I am currently in the world a little more than I'd like to be

There's nothing else for me to do

Nowhere to run

I am cursed in terms of connecting, but I appreciate every single one of my losses

I say whatever I want now

As usual, but a lot more than before

Fuck it, no one's coming for me

And all the people I pray for aren't thinking about me. They don't give a shit.

I plant seeds of hope after every rejection, yet there comes a forest fire of apathy that consumes these trees.
Funny enough, I spark the flame.
I need to stop one or the other.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Actively

There's no real way to go into this, so I might as well jump in

I've been actively preparing to be alone

Not in a way when it comes to love and things of the like

I've realized a while back that when my mum dies, I'll never know about my past


She's the last link and I don't know what makes her stubborn to tell me things, but it's been holding up all this time and I'm pretty sure I'll never know at this point

So when she goes, its just me

I look at my phone and I can feel that call coming

It won't even feel as bad as it should since I'm expecting it

Such a dreadful thing to do, but I rather be ready than unprepared



In terms of love and things of the like, maybe I've been readying myself for that too
Surrounded by doubts, I am
Going through all this shit, trying to figure out how to be a man
The fucking wolves man

Later Days, Longer Nights

Read Minds

I have no more love to give

Filled with dirt and stone my steady descent into this madness rivals the
process one takes to assume the role of a sociopath
Suicidal my emotions I, can't connect
Stereotypical backstory of broken homes and lack of direction Mum you are always at work
and
when I say 'I love you', the door has already slammed bye bye bye
by the time you return I'm sleep
Another day dissolved with missed opportunity to learn how to grow
Not only alone but with another or others or everyone, so I know why I'm shy
I learned how to tie my shoes when I was 14
Up to that point I tucked them in and go
Little things I've learned
Broken promises have reflected the environment

Maybe 8 years ago, I'd know

I don't know why you like me
No bone to throw, here's a shovel
So when you hold my hand make sure I'm there
and
not my representative
She wraps the world in a bow and presents it with glee unseen to my eyes before
She digs me
Finding only dirt and stone, I try to tie the laces of your intentions with my own
Come close so close bunny ears, we go

Unravel as we take a step
Who's handicapped? What a drag as you continue to hold my hand
This is who you are
For the moment
And when I get up and get my shit straight and try not to mistake what I have with what I hate I can say,
'I love you' feeling the tinge of pain, a thought misguided as it re-routes my neural layout
This isn't a textbook definition
As Eve discovered her body bare,
I too find your meaning in a forbidden core

I'll put up more than I got to bet, goddammit I'll even go into debt
My thesis?
So look miss, I've seen how the soul makes everything complete,
animating willingly a....well
I've, missed my heart, composed of good memories
The body is just a vessel harboring the latter two, so
I can do away with it
Every man is happy until happiness is a goal
Sporadic
Impaled on the tusks of impatience/unprepared
At least I'm not a bore


Juice shared tastes yellow, no more grey
A subtle kiss causes a scene
Still hate most people on this reality

Yet not you
Even when it's your back I'm faced with
True
Filling up alive
'I love you', as the knob sets.




Later Days, Longer Nights

I feel way too good for this to be the end

My Mum Asked If I Met Anyone

The hungry personification of passion and pain

At times, I can keep the two separate

I’m either a vampire draining your supply

Taking what I want from your heart

Because immortality doesn’t have to mean

Dying anymore

We can live forever

Long as I can waste your time

In this happy house

My word is bond

So it’s a promise when I say

You are not my world

Convert

Another werewolf ripping your throat

Out with my teeth

Tame Impala’s playing out the back

So you let it happen to feel in tune with this enveloping chaos of touch, taste, maybe some tongue

I’m anybody but me

Nervous to the prospect of letting you reside where everyone else died

A graveyard, a holocaust, a legion of hidden affection

Covered under

The world that never was

Heroine, your tongue or love sharp as Excalibur in my expectations

I hear you I swear I hear you More than most before

Dear Jane, you can earn better

_______________________________

Later Days, Longer Nights

Difficult

And being who your god intended
You're fabulously naked
Of intelligent animal descent
Stripping to the cannibal glow
It's kind of like incest since they're slightly related
Where everyone gets to touch each other
One blast of an emotional orgy
So then commences the main event
You'll be more open
After a few rounds of sedatives
Hope, and all your demons in one formal affair
You've invited regret, shame, love, envy
What you're writing
Really it's a cocktail party
Dress it in fancy words to match the noble cause
Round up all your empathy
Only the CEO is needed
Tell your representative to take the night off
Still do it
It's not the "cool" or easiest thing to do
First, take off your mask
-----------------------------------------------
This is how I write my poems
But when you read it from top to bottom
Read it from bottom to top after

Later Days, Longer Nights

My Birthday Cake

On my birthday cake
There's 23 candles
All brightly lit
I'm lit

So when I blow them all out
I almost forget
No one out here has it figured out

These candlesticks hold la flame
Burning too briefly

I'm amazed at the energy I get
When I'm committed to doing stupid shit
Because maybe I got it right

I only know in the moment
Acting on impulse is truly a gift

The cake's not important
It's these candlesticks

Each one embodying another year defeated
Until something takes me under
So I'm suppose to live in the moment
Not worrying about if my mum likes the icing
Or
How big the slice comes out
Or
Chocolate or Vanilla

When I sleep, it'll be bright

Later Days, Longer Nights

God is a woman, too (The Poem)

A thousand galaxies have died in your eyes, wait
That was too intense

Dark brown hair
Like cocoa beans in Summer's hands

We talk everyday about mozzarella sticks
& our future living room

Random things
Day trips

You make me smile
You piss me off

You make me regret
But I love you for making me forget

There's a wine stain on my shirt
Your Xanax ingested

This got dark really quick

Our chemical romance
Makes every step a slow dance

I'm stepping out that door
Into a world

Where you can fake it
And

Time flows like an ocean
Not a water hose

I can't surf already
But you don't mind

Later Days, Longer Nights

Vargulf

Subtraction

Forever deleting yourself from the equation
"It isn't going to last"
Going in knowing such so
Continue to delete...delete

You can be whoever you want
Going in
Savage

The nightmare eats past the dream

Rosy eyes
Original sin in that red dress
This is fun for me

One and then another
And if she holds on just
A little tighter
Perhaps she can recognize your
Face in the dark

But when are you really ever there?
Since she's been out of your space



Later Days, Longer Nights

Not really sure, but I'm sure I could be right

Change more,
you feel less