Not Snakes or Heights

Recently, I discovered two new fears that I have.

Exciting stuff.

I won't go into the first one, but I do want to talk about the second.

I have the time to do it, but I don't want to describe it the way I usually talk about things...
riding the line between poetic and brash, no.

I want to remember how I worded it the first time it came to mind.

I'm scared of someone I love/like looking at me one day and not feeling the same way anymore.
Someone who I've carved out a future with or someone who I've known for so many years, to the point where friends doesn't describe how embedded I've made them in my life.

I already know and firmly believe that we, as humans, are fickle...we're capable of anything and we will discard each other in the blink of an eye.

Losing the feeling for someone is an instantaneous action.
It's like you carry this notion around of this person and then it drops, like throwing a duffel bag onto the ground.

I've let too many people get to know me past the image, on a personal level where they know actually shit that has happened in my life, stories and moments I beg to forget. They have this copy of my life and they're walking around with too much information, to not be in my life.
And still, they aren't.

Someone asked me a week ago what I considered to be one of my weaknesses....this person is not deep in my life, so I almost gave them a bullshit honest response....something that's true, but treads lightly on the subject.
I decided against it and gave her an answer with a little more character.

I said, "I have moments of weakness that I can't snuff out."

She didn't know what I meant.

Those moments are tied to me knowing better about people, yet not acting like it...times where I know things are great in the beginning, but not everyone can stand the marathon.
Scenes I replay in my head where I should've kept my guard up and not given them anything of substance.
Moments in time where I didn't even feel myself fucking up because it felt amazing to let someone occupy this gap in me.

This isn't going to turn into some declaration about how I'm never going to let anyone in or how I'm going to keep my guard up and be cold...naw.

I don't really know what this was suppose to turn in to.


I just wanted to remember today.


Later Days, Longer Nights