Void, Homelessness, & Dreams

 Who am I talking to here?

I'm writing for no one to read this shit in this endless internet void.

I write to remember cause I'll forget, but couldn't I just keep all of this in my head?

I have no idea what compels me to use this thing...even after all this time.

On another note, I might be close to getting a new place, so I can get off Christian's couch.

I never wanted to go back home. This is good news.

I really needed some good news amidst everything that's happening.

Hate being homeless.

This is like the 3rd time in my life lol, this can not become a habit.

I keep having strange dreams, day & night.

I want to know what they mean.

Feel so stupid that I gotta do this, but after I post this, I'm going to google "How do you pray?"

I take that back, I am an idiot so looking info up isn't out of me.

I'm going to pray for a sign cause I'm tired of making fucking mistakes.

This doesn't feel right,

Not like putting your shirt on inside out...

Where you can still kind of wear it in public and get away with the mess up.

This is more 

like your shoe being on the wrong foot:

My natural balance is off

and

I can't fake that this shoe fits well, so I'm walking around impaired.

And everyone can see.

But when it comes to my me and my life, 

no one's really paying attention.

There's not much left in my heart 

and

there's lightening in my brain.

I'm gonna go pray.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Worse

 Yesterday, I really thought about what would be the quickest way to leave

I don't own any bullets, but I pass by a lot of gun shops

Yesterday was a real blow to my future plans, plans that

I didn't even make yet

And I lost it

That's easy to do here

America, the land of one chance.

Things got worse and due to what's coming, my life will be altered for a very long time

There's no fighting this one

I keep doing shit that makes me hate myself and

when things are going smooth and I got it under control,

that curve ball comes around the bend and strikes me in the throat.

Compared to my friends, at times it feels like my life is infinitely worse.

When things go wrong or good, I call them....not my actual blood family.

Not cause I don't want to, I just can't really talk to them.

It adds to why I feel so alone.

Everything changed yesterday...right before I left work.

I don't want to do something I can't come back from, so I called my friend and just vented.

I thought about it all night, stressed over it

Then today I woke up and grounded myself

Worst:

    noun

            the most serious or unpleasant thing that could happen.

Worse:

noun

1. a more serious or unpleasant event or situation.

Things have definitely gotten worse for me, but they aren't the worst. Today, I woke up and started to digest what's on the way. It is certainly a major setback, but I gotta take my current blessings and run with them. I will have to adapt and still learn how to grow through this.

I didn't have to put these thoughts here...I know.

But I have a problem with wanting to remember.

No matter what happens next, I have to keep this feeling of hope.

I need to.

Otherwise I might slip up again, get smart and stupid, and just use what I already got:

Sleeping pills and booze.

Later days, Longer Nights 

Numb

 I am slowly losing.

My mind. The trust. Good bonds. 

I am surely losing.