Stepping Stones to the Green Card

I feel lonely, even though you're here.

If its not Instagram, then its the computer. Usually, its Instagram.

The mat you leave outside your door on this shitty, rainy day...wipe your feet and come in. 

Or is it in my head.

Its here in my body and my mood.

And i cant stand to hear how "supported" you are. As if you're overjoyed at getting the chance to rub it in my face. Im happy you come from a great family and you have friends all over. 

A privilege actually.

I dont envy you, but i do keep track of when you make me feel low. 

Low low.

No one really cares about you low.

"What am i doing here" low. 

This weighted blanket of apathy low.

I'm no angel myself. 

Yet,

I try to spare you from this.

The exact same poison you feed me.

 I feel like no one cares about me

There's love within the family and friend relationships i have, but still...i think you can love without caring

I feel that i dont have anyone to talk to about the real things on my mind

I feel discarded by my mother. Theres so much i can write about this, but it all boils down to just that...she brought me here, kinda raised me, and then peaced out by the time i turned 20. I have no history beyond the one ive crafted each and every day of my life since ive been born. That might be enough for most, but i know theres more.

I feel like my gf is using me sometimes...and when she says "we're family" and then weaponizes her famous statement "i know my family will love me and support me", i can feel the detachment of myself in that statement. Guess we're only family when it suits her. Like a reserve on Family Feud. Do you really know me? 

My friends will be loved unconditionally...but they're everywhere and they got their own lives to live. I respect it and thats that.

My family is the same...but no one keeps up with each other unless they are nearby. I haven't been nearby for nearly 5+ years. 

I read posts here from when i was younger and everything is different, yet the same.

Im not the only human free falling through existence. Still doesn't make my pain feel any less.

I'm not a child anymore, I don't want to die. 

But when will this pain subside?

I have this thing...this thing where i let loose and allow my emotions to run...fucking flowing like a waterfall.

And right when i address all my problems, i put the wall back up and retreat into my shell. I dont want to do that, but i have to.

No one wants to hear this shit. 

Or at least ive convinced myself of such. Im good at that.

I feel alone most of the time. 

The last time i didnt feel like this was back in Philly. Stronger bonds. 

I dont know what to do to get past this. 

But,