"You know what?
Im a rock star.
I do what I want."
Later Days
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
The Human Insecurity
I wonder if my lack of apathy for things has become my downfall and my trademark?
Today I was talking to an old friend and she said she liked my personality.
"Jackass personality?", I responded.
"Yeah...dont change it", she said.
That struck me.
Im not sure why though.
As all my friends and I get older, we are growing up...flat.
Point blank.
Most of my pals are getting committed and other stuff of "adult" stature and Im not sure if they are just growing into it naturally or just faking it.
From what they tell me in secret, they're faking it,
but they present this public image that differs from their public actions.
When I step back from the image I act on in the world, sometimes I get to thinkin'
and wondering if my two worlds are separate:
who I appear to be
and
what I really am.
I really wish I had the courage to go up and ask a stranger what they thought of me from appearance, but as I said... Im not brave enough to ask.
I D K....
On a side note,
I find it hard to believe that someone can make me happy.
I find it harder to believe that I can make someone happy.
Just my mind frame at the time.
Later Days
Today I was talking to an old friend and she said she liked my personality.
"Jackass personality?", I responded.
"Yeah...dont change it", she said.
That struck me.
Im not sure why though.
As all my friends and I get older, we are growing up...flat.
Point blank.
Most of my pals are getting committed and other stuff of "adult" stature and Im not sure if they are just growing into it naturally or just faking it.
From what they tell me in secret, they're faking it,
but they present this public image that differs from their public actions.
When I step back from the image I act on in the world, sometimes I get to thinkin'
and wondering if my two worlds are separate:
who I appear to be
and
what I really am.
I really wish I had the courage to go up and ask a stranger what they thought of me from appearance, but as I said... Im not brave enough to ask.
I D K....
On a side note,
I find it hard to believe that someone can make me happy.
I find it harder to believe that I can make someone happy.
Just my mind frame at the time.
Later Days
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
All I Need
Hmm, well UMBC is getting kinda better.
But I still wanna transfer.
I gotta couple of homies up here, yet I still want more.
All I need is a pack.
Oh well, short entry.
I gotta stop listening to Waka, he hurts my head.
Later Days
But I still wanna transfer.
I gotta couple of homies up here, yet I still want more.
All I need is a pack.
Oh well, short entry.
I gotta stop listening to Waka, he hurts my head.
Later Days
Sunday, February 20, 2011
What Im going to do > What I've done
"A kiss is just a kiss until you fuck that bitch."----Dominick H.
I dont know why I made that quote.
As time goes by, things will work out for the better in the end.
I can only step back and just say a couple things before I take that next step:
Fuck Mel, but I wish her the best.
Fuck college, but Im going to finish it.
Fuck Elena cause they said I couldn't bring myself to break it.
Fuck the world, Im meant for more than reality.
Fuck Jill. Even though she cant see it, I can.
Lets get to work.
Later Days
I dont know why I made that quote.
As time goes by, things will work out for the better in the end.
I can only step back and just say a couple things before I take that next step:
Fuck Mel, but I wish her the best.
Fuck college, but Im going to finish it.
Fuck Elena cause they said I couldn't bring myself to break it.
Fuck the world, Im meant for more than reality.
Fuck Jill. Even though she cant see it, I can.
Lets get to work.
Later Days
Thursday, February 17, 2011
My fear
Submerged into brisk, clear water
No one can hear my struggle.
Surrounded by creatures and beings who find delight with my lost of power
And the fact that I wont survive.
I can only remember all those days spent on watching other people waste time
And Im the one drowning.
Did anyone remember me when they looked back at the good times?
A question that can never be answered I suppose...
So here it goes.
I'm dead.
__________________
Later Days
No one can hear my struggle.
Surrounded by creatures and beings who find delight with my lost of power
And the fact that I wont survive.
I can only remember all those days spent on watching other people waste time
And Im the one drowning.
Did anyone remember me when they looked back at the good times?
A question that can never be answered I suppose...
So here it goes.
I'm dead.
__________________
Later Days
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day for Sick Hearts
Go ahead for the sake of the night,
Rip another artery from my open chest.
It wouldnt matter anyway.
Im at the end of my rope and like always,
Im alone.
Fuck my heart,
It did me no use anyway because
When I gave my love to a female who I thought would hold it dear,
She sunk her canine teeth into my throat, so I couldn't scream.
Then she took the love I presented to her and laughed at its insignificance in her life.
Far from miserable and never the type to cry
I just let go by keeping it inside.
__________________________
I was in love with Jill from 10th grade and to this day she doesnt even remotely love me back, yet still taunts me from afar.
I loved Mel, but she left me for someone else who her parents like.
I loved Amellia, but anything I do isnt enough; even when I was willing to go out with her and throw away the "single" life I've lived for like 2 or 3 years.
Fuck Valentine's Day.
Rip another artery from my open chest.
It wouldnt matter anyway.
Im at the end of my rope and like always,
Im alone.
Fuck my heart,
It did me no use anyway because
When I gave my love to a female who I thought would hold it dear,
She sunk her canine teeth into my throat, so I couldn't scream.
Then she took the love I presented to her and laughed at its insignificance in her life.
Far from miserable and never the type to cry
I just let go by keeping it inside.
__________________________
I was in love with Jill from 10th grade and to this day she doesnt even remotely love me back, yet still taunts me from afar.
I loved Mel, but she left me for someone else who her parents like.
I loved Amellia, but anything I do isnt enough; even when I was willing to go out with her and throw away the "single" life I've lived for like 2 or 3 years.
Fuck Valentine's Day.
The Lifestyle
Gunning out of our respective homes,
my right hand and I set out on the town.
Pure clouds and blue skies soon meet darkness when we arrive.
Its the lifestyle;
our joy and our pride.
You only live once they say, so
we make sure we are always the last ones standing.
After all the drinks are gone and people's parents start calling their babies back to the den,
we're still raging the party at full throttle.
To travel this world,
you only need a half tank and working cellphone.
You never know who you'll see next out here.
I swear its beautiful some nights.
Its the lifestyle we're accustomed to.
You treat her right and she'll make you a king under silhouettes and starry nights.
As long as you swore sleep an enemy,
everything would be ok.
We were kissed by temptresses and hailed as "Lords of the Ping Pong Table".
It was always a great time because we always made it the right time.
Little did we know,
oh how little did we know.
There was no end to those eternal nights.
Even when the sun was out,
we lusted for the nightlife.
Our empire grew to become a demon,
and we in turn became its monsters.
People weren't able to separate "it" and "us".
We were one now.
My love only heard stories about the beast, although that wasn't me.
Temptresses changed to clinging annoyances;
we had to plan around them,
learning how to love others without either side finding out.
I cant tell you if we were happier without "it".
We learned a lot from it,
we lost a lot from it.
It was the lifestyle.
________________________
I just had to dedicate an entry to my lifestyle.
Losing, winning, and tying.
Thats all it ever is.
It makes me sick though sometimes.
I lost someone special to it.
Cya Mel.
Later Days
my right hand and I set out on the town.
Pure clouds and blue skies soon meet darkness when we arrive.
Its the lifestyle;
our joy and our pride.
You only live once they say, so
we make sure we are always the last ones standing.
After all the drinks are gone and people's parents start calling their babies back to the den,
we're still raging the party at full throttle.
To travel this world,
you only need a half tank and working cellphone.
You never know who you'll see next out here.
I swear its beautiful some nights.
Its the lifestyle we're accustomed to.
You treat her right and she'll make you a king under silhouettes and starry nights.
As long as you swore sleep an enemy,
everything would be ok.
We were kissed by temptresses and hailed as "Lords of the Ping Pong Table".
It was always a great time because we always made it the right time.
Little did we know,
oh how little did we know.
There was no end to those eternal nights.
Even when the sun was out,
we lusted for the nightlife.
Our empire grew to become a demon,
and we in turn became its monsters.
People weren't able to separate "it" and "us".
We were one now.
My love only heard stories about the beast, although that wasn't me.
Temptresses changed to clinging annoyances;
we had to plan around them,
learning how to love others without either side finding out.
I cant tell you if we were happier without "it".
We learned a lot from it,
we lost a lot from it.
It was the lifestyle.
________________________
I just had to dedicate an entry to my lifestyle.
Losing, winning, and tying.
Thats all it ever is.
It makes me sick though sometimes.
I lost someone special to it.
Cya Mel.
Later Days
Fuck College
Start a business, enlist into the peace corps, write a book...
these are things I could do besides slowly going into debt while trying to maintain a decent GPA.
I mean goddamn, I dont know if im im college because everyone says its the right thing to do or because it'll pay off in the end because I damn sure dont wanna be here on my own accord. Academia isn't exactly the path for all ya know?
I just feel like Im doing useless work just to obtain a piece of paper that says I can do a job that Im passionate about.
Then college has you taking irrelevant courses that dont pertain to your major at all (P.E., History, Psych) just to dig deeper into your pocket...and it isnt even my money!
Fuck college, I just want to write.
Fuck money, I just want to live.
Fuck society, its steering youth in all the wrong directions.
Lastly, fuck me cause Im not going to do anything about it.
Im not gonna change a damn thing and thats what pisses me off the most:
Im powerless.
Later Days
these are things I could do besides slowly going into debt while trying to maintain a decent GPA.
I mean goddamn, I dont know if im im college because everyone says its the right thing to do or because it'll pay off in the end because I damn sure dont wanna be here on my own accord. Academia isn't exactly the path for all ya know?
I just feel like Im doing useless work just to obtain a piece of paper that says I can do a job that Im passionate about.
Then college has you taking irrelevant courses that dont pertain to your major at all (P.E., History, Psych) just to dig deeper into your pocket...and it isnt even my money!
Fuck college, I just want to write.
Fuck money, I just want to live.
Fuck society, its steering youth in all the wrong directions.
Lastly, fuck me cause Im not going to do anything about it.
Im not gonna change a damn thing and thats what pisses me off the most:
Im powerless.
Later Days
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Story of My Love Life
The lifestyle.
It was all I had until I met you.
Then I knew love.
At times, I was pretty sure God was playing a joke on me when I found you.
It was unrealistic.
Unrealistic.
I was a mere mortal who sought another soul,
but often obtained a cold drink;
its only function to ensure that I couldn't feel my face.
Holding my heart into darkness,
I often came out alone.
Her very existence in my life broke a cursed cycle of hope and failure,
yet she even said what I never expected to hear:
it was unreal.
There wasn't even a "we",
just her and I...
so Im holding my heart into that darkness,
standing alone again,
waving goodbye as she walks off into a light with another soul.
The whole time I just wanted to be somewhere else.
The whole time I just wanna be someone else.
Who am I suppose to be when the person I'm in love with doesn't want me?
It was all I had until I met you.
Then I knew love.
At times, I was pretty sure God was playing a joke on me when I found you.
It was unrealistic.
Unrealistic.
I was a mere mortal who sought another soul,
but often obtained a cold drink;
its only function to ensure that I couldn't feel my face.
Holding my heart into darkness,
I often came out alone.
Her very existence in my life broke a cursed cycle of hope and failure,
yet she even said what I never expected to hear:
it was unreal.
There wasn't even a "we",
just her and I...
so Im holding my heart into that darkness,
standing alone again,
waving goodbye as she walks off into a light with another soul.
The whole time I just wanted to be somewhere else.
The whole time I just wanna be someone else.
Who am I suppose to be when the person I'm in love with doesn't want me?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
My Thoughts On ___________
They say the skies the limit and if I was a star,
I would be envious.
I can only imagine the mountain top of success as cold and lonely at best,
so, I gotta ask, what defines failing in life when all you hear is that everything will be alright?
Its another couple of lies dressed in luxurious phrases. Another lie they tell infants and babies before they enter the new world.
The real world.
Maybe,
we had it right from the start; that feeling of unease and anxiousness at what to do next.
Some of us knew what we wanted to do, but just not how to do it;
others had no clue.
Potential is half what you make of it and half of what you know about it.
They say the skies the limit,
but sometimes where your headed is too far.
I would be envious.
I can only imagine the mountain top of success as cold and lonely at best,
so, I gotta ask, what defines failing in life when all you hear is that everything will be alright?
Its another couple of lies dressed in luxurious phrases. Another lie they tell infants and babies before they enter the new world.
The real world.
Maybe,
we had it right from the start; that feeling of unease and anxiousness at what to do next.
Some of us knew what we wanted to do, but just not how to do it;
others had no clue.
Potential is half what you make of it and half of what you know about it.
They say the skies the limit,
but sometimes where your headed is too far.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
To the Wolf
For numerous nights you've kept me awake and energetic under a garnished moon and nagging universe that could care less about my petty existence.
For granting me aggression and unparalleled insight to understand inhibitions that most wouldn't dare live out.
What would I have done during those days and nights?
When everyone held their head up high around me
and I let my head drop in a hopeless fashion;
you didn't let me yield to their haughty words or cursing minds.
God is my faith,
poetry is my skill, but you...
you are my muse.
You, my friend, are the invisible shadow that looms over my human vessel and endow my actions with feral force.
From inciting fear in my enemies,
to mauling the caitiff nature I once knew,
here's to you:
a being of wild,
a state of mind,
and the juggernaut of night.
To the wolf.
Later Days
For granting me aggression and unparalleled insight to understand inhibitions that most wouldn't dare live out.
What would I have done during those days and nights?
When everyone held their head up high around me
and I let my head drop in a hopeless fashion;
you didn't let me yield to their haughty words or cursing minds.
God is my faith,
poetry is my skill, but you...
you are my muse.
You, my friend, are the invisible shadow that looms over my human vessel and endow my actions with feral force.
From inciting fear in my enemies,
to mauling the caitiff nature I once knew,
here's to you:
a being of wild,
a state of mind,
and the juggernaut of night.
To the wolf.
Later Days
The Potential
"Tell me what you regard as your greatest strength, so I will know best what to undermine you. Tell me of your greatest fear, so I will know what I must force you to face. Tell me what you cherish most, so I will know what to take from you. And tell me what you crave, so that I might deny you."
Later Days
Later Days
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Weapon X
"I'm the best there is at what I do. But what I do best aint nice."
You know that feral aspect of your personality that society rejects and you secretly embrace when your all alone?
Thats me incarnate.
Hey,
my name is Dominick,
codename: Weapon Omega, Tarzan, or Kid Feral.
Nothing less, always more.
Later Days
You know that feral aspect of your personality that society rejects and you secretly embrace when your all alone?
Thats me incarnate.
Hey,
my name is Dominick,
codename: Weapon Omega, Tarzan, or Kid Feral.
Nothing less, always more.
Later Days
Thursday, February 3, 2011
A Lil' R&R (Robitussin and Red Bull)
Hmm,
Whats new with me?
Well:
I lost my job because of school,
Im starting to write a book,
and school will be awesome.
Once again,
Im the new guy on campus, so I dont know anyone.
Nights are sometimes spent in my dorm glued to my computer or
out with my roommate and his friends just trying to get situated into a clique.
The usual.
I aint trippin though.
If it go good today, I do the same thing tomorrow.
Later Days
Whats new with me?
Well:
I lost my job because of school,
Im starting to write a book,
and school will be awesome.
Once again,
Im the new guy on campus, so I dont know anyone.
Nights are sometimes spent in my dorm glued to my computer or
out with my roommate and his friends just trying to get situated into a clique.
The usual.
I aint trippin though.
If it go good today, I do the same thing tomorrow.
Later Days
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Letters to Dad
Dear Dad,
How have you been? Its been 18 years and Im still here, holding it all down. Im in college and boy oh boy... the whole journey to this point has been one hell of a ride. The coaster isnt even over either! I learned how to ride a bike, drive a car, put on a condom properly, shave, and other guy stuff on my own. It was just me and....well me. You know mum would help as best as she could, but she can't get it all with somethings. She got a big heart. You knew that. Honestly though, between me and you...I could've been a better son to her. You wouldnt understand though. Stuff justs get in the way and well.... thats a conversation for another day.
I feel like I gotta tell you some stuff. You'll understand where you stand in my book by the end of it. Its things thats been locked in my brain for years and I feel like you should hear me out:
I dont know how old I was when I figured you wouldn't come home. A part of me hoped that I would be able to know the two halves that made me whole. My mum's life didn't seem too open and free, so when I was younger, I dreamed you were the wilder side I always sought after.When I was like 7 or 10, my mind went crazy with the possibilities that you were a goverment agent, explorer, or whatever seemed exciting during that time. Deep down, I hoped you would come around and tell me of a greater destiny that I had to uphold. You would crash through that apartment door in Woodlawn and pick me up with one arm saying, "Im sorry son." Then, it would all be forgiven from there. The love would reappear in an instant and we would be a family with a purpose. Something like a Cinderella story come true, but you know...just not with white people or a glass slipper. You were suppose to be the magic that lifted my life to something more than I knew. Can you picture it through my own eyes? Another family, another legacy, a whole new world (no Aladdin reference) for me to embrace, with open arms and eternal love. It would've all come with you, but things didn't work out that way. Guess it was for the best.
You didn't really leave me with any last words, so I took it upon myself to say hello and I want you to know that Im not angry anymore. I used to be, almost every day, but I let it go. We good.
Aside from that, nothings really bothered me, except or Father's Day. Thats my little weak spot, yet I take the day in stride. I hope you doing great wherever you are. I want to do good by a lot of people and I can say you are one of them. I want to do what you do, but since I dont know you, I can only make guesses at what that is. On some side notes, dont worry... these females aint trippin' me. G and I got that on hand and these niggas out in the streets aint stressin' me either. Im keeping to the sky with my head, aint looking down no time near at all. Im keeping mum safe too. No fretting.
Theres a lot more I want to say, but its getting late and I gotta get ready for class tomorrow, so goodnight. Im gonna do my best, shooting for better than success.
Thanks for the genes,
Your only son.
---------------
Rough draft for my memoir
Later Days
How have you been? Its been 18 years and Im still here, holding it all down. Im in college and boy oh boy... the whole journey to this point has been one hell of a ride. The coaster isnt even over either! I learned how to ride a bike, drive a car, put on a condom properly, shave, and other guy stuff on my own. It was just me and....well me. You know mum would help as best as she could, but she can't get it all with somethings. She got a big heart. You knew that. Honestly though, between me and you...I could've been a better son to her. You wouldnt understand though. Stuff justs get in the way and well.... thats a conversation for another day.
I feel like I gotta tell you some stuff. You'll understand where you stand in my book by the end of it. Its things thats been locked in my brain for years and I feel like you should hear me out:
I dont know how old I was when I figured you wouldn't come home. A part of me hoped that I would be able to know the two halves that made me whole. My mum's life didn't seem too open and free, so when I was younger, I dreamed you were the wilder side I always sought after.When I was like 7 or 10, my mind went crazy with the possibilities that you were a goverment agent, explorer, or whatever seemed exciting during that time. Deep down, I hoped you would come around and tell me of a greater destiny that I had to uphold. You would crash through that apartment door in Woodlawn and pick me up with one arm saying, "Im sorry son." Then, it would all be forgiven from there. The love would reappear in an instant and we would be a family with a purpose. Something like a Cinderella story come true, but you know...just not with white people or a glass slipper. You were suppose to be the magic that lifted my life to something more than I knew. Can you picture it through my own eyes? Another family, another legacy, a whole new world (no Aladdin reference) for me to embrace, with open arms and eternal love. It would've all come with you, but things didn't work out that way. Guess it was for the best.
You didn't really leave me with any last words, so I took it upon myself to say hello and I want you to know that Im not angry anymore. I used to be, almost every day, but I let it go. We good.
Aside from that, nothings really bothered me, except or Father's Day. Thats my little weak spot, yet I take the day in stride. I hope you doing great wherever you are. I want to do good by a lot of people and I can say you are one of them. I want to do what you do, but since I dont know you, I can only make guesses at what that is. On some side notes, dont worry... these females aint trippin' me. G and I got that on hand and these niggas out in the streets aint stressin' me either. Im keeping to the sky with my head, aint looking down no time near at all. Im keeping mum safe too. No fretting.
Theres a lot more I want to say, but its getting late and I gotta get ready for class tomorrow, so goodnight. Im gonna do my best, shooting for better than success.
Thanks for the genes,
Your only son.
---------------
Rough draft for my memoir
Later Days
Moving Backwards
Man,
I gotta start re-reading my own blog posts. Sometimes it feels like Im moving backwards, but I do catch myself.
Forgot what legacy I've written, in favor for momentary annoyances.
Im fucking Dominick and those girls be saying the same.
Later Days
I gotta start re-reading my own blog posts. Sometimes it feels like Im moving backwards, but I do catch myself.
Forgot what legacy I've written, in favor for momentary annoyances.
Im fucking Dominick and those girls be saying the same.
Later Days
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