Everything's fine.
There is a plan in motion, people in my corner, and a woman in my heart,
yet why does it still feel smoky?
Failure is never certain and I just dont know what to do if everything I put myself into collapses...
Im the support beam, the foundation, so when if it all falls down, it's crumbling on top of me.
I cant take another blow, not one like this.
--------------------------------------
In creating something new, I destroyed an old part of myself.
I don't know what left inside me.
The wolf? The Alpha? That shifting shadow I've carried through these times.
I can't guess at what departed, nonetheless I must say take care.
Turning 19 has already bestowed perks to my daily life:
I feel higher, like Im basking in the view.
There's a new attitude I've adopted and it can only be described as a "yeah, I've was in a porno, what about it?" vibe.
I know that may look ridiculous, but its the only way I can put it into text.
Later Days
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Forgiven
I really am trying to step up in this hectic life I live and it isnt really easy.
There is something I took pride in that I have to change about myself, so these demons can leave my mind and soul.
I used to love the fact that I could say (and mean) "I never forget. I deal in revenge."
Now that I look at that shit, it looks immature as fuck.
I know some of these people read my blog, I know some dont, yet either way Im happy to put it out there that Im ready to forgive;
Never forget, but I can forgive.
Amellia
I knew from start to finish that when I walked back into your life that something was going to be wild. Honestly, I came to you in pursuit of the physical, but it did grow for me into something more. I'm sorry I didnt feel the same as you did, I still got some growing up to do, but so do you. I let you down a lot, but I really did try to be the best I could. Recently, I drove by your house late at night (not on purpose) and, oddly enough, didnt feel a single drop of hatred brewing or revengeful thoughts, I actually wanted to see how you were doing. Hopefully you can forgive me for all that I've done, because I've forgiven you.
Desmond
You hurt me. You hurt my mother. I had to place a burden upon my aunt for 5 years because of you. I considered you the evil that men commit...and it wasnt even for a purpose; no aim, no logical reasoning, just because you could. I owe a bit of my unpredictably to you and a lot of my problems too. I wont go in too deep, but I (coincidentally) saw you about a year or 2 ago, driving a cab. I hid from your view, but I didnt run away. I never will again.
Then another day, we actually walked past each other. You were on that street near Lexington market, and I saw you walking up. I balled my fists up, preparing to strike you down in that bumbling crowd of people. I let the heat of my heart and old, fallen tears take hold of my whole being. I knew I was ready. I knew I could kill you, with my bare hands at that.
For that moment, I wanted to feel the life slip from your mouth as I choked you to death around all those people.
No one would've stopped me.
I know this.
I wouldn't let them stop me.
Then you saw me. You looked me dead in the eye and perked up.
I fought you before, but then I was a child.
This encounter would be different and you saw it. I was bigger, you had become frail as the years trailed on and there wasn't anyone to stop me from killing you unlike the times before.
I spiked your alcohol with the bleach and rubbing alcohol you threw at me, but someone saved you.
I stood over your sleeping body with the sharpest knife we had one early morning, but someone even saved you then.
Not today though.
When we got about 2 meters from each other though, I breathed. I exhaled and it was the purest breath I've taken so far in my life.
We got about shoulder length from each other and your head swiveled to see what I would do, and when we had our backs to each other, I could still feel the gaze in your eyes following me.
I can't hurt everyone who has hurt me anymore.
It doesn't work that way, I learned that.
In what you tore down of my spirit, you raised in my courage and now I never will fear another man again. I forgive you for all you've done because now I know that even if I cant stop someone (or something), Im still going to let you know that Im here to fight anyway.
Jill
Im going to keep this sweet, short, and painful. I loved you, you didnt love me, I couldnt get over it, I fought for it, I lost, I got depressed, I fucked too many females to replace you, I fought for you again, I lost again, I took it into my heart, I let it sit there for a long time, I got over it, I started back up, now Im the Alpha and Im good. Thank you for the lesson, I forgive you, but ya lost! lol
Later Days
There is something I took pride in that I have to change about myself, so these demons can leave my mind and soul.
I used to love the fact that I could say (and mean) "I never forget. I deal in revenge."
Now that I look at that shit, it looks immature as fuck.
I know some of these people read my blog, I know some dont, yet either way Im happy to put it out there that Im ready to forgive;
Never forget, but I can forgive.
Amellia
I knew from start to finish that when I walked back into your life that something was going to be wild. Honestly, I came to you in pursuit of the physical, but it did grow for me into something more. I'm sorry I didnt feel the same as you did, I still got some growing up to do, but so do you. I let you down a lot, but I really did try to be the best I could. Recently, I drove by your house late at night (not on purpose) and, oddly enough, didnt feel a single drop of hatred brewing or revengeful thoughts, I actually wanted to see how you were doing. Hopefully you can forgive me for all that I've done, because I've forgiven you.
Desmond
You hurt me. You hurt my mother. I had to place a burden upon my aunt for 5 years because of you. I considered you the evil that men commit...and it wasnt even for a purpose; no aim, no logical reasoning, just because you could. I owe a bit of my unpredictably to you and a lot of my problems too. I wont go in too deep, but I (coincidentally) saw you about a year or 2 ago, driving a cab. I hid from your view, but I didnt run away. I never will again.
Then another day, we actually walked past each other. You were on that street near Lexington market, and I saw you walking up. I balled my fists up, preparing to strike you down in that bumbling crowd of people. I let the heat of my heart and old, fallen tears take hold of my whole being. I knew I was ready. I knew I could kill you, with my bare hands at that.
For that moment, I wanted to feel the life slip from your mouth as I choked you to death around all those people.
No one would've stopped me.
I know this.
I wouldn't let them stop me.
Then you saw me. You looked me dead in the eye and perked up.
I fought you before, but then I was a child.
This encounter would be different and you saw it. I was bigger, you had become frail as the years trailed on and there wasn't anyone to stop me from killing you unlike the times before.
I spiked your alcohol with the bleach and rubbing alcohol you threw at me, but someone saved you.
I stood over your sleeping body with the sharpest knife we had one early morning, but someone even saved you then.
Not today though.
When we got about 2 meters from each other though, I breathed. I exhaled and it was the purest breath I've taken so far in my life.
We got about shoulder length from each other and your head swiveled to see what I would do, and when we had our backs to each other, I could still feel the gaze in your eyes following me.
I can't hurt everyone who has hurt me anymore.
It doesn't work that way, I learned that.
In what you tore down of my spirit, you raised in my courage and now I never will fear another man again. I forgive you for all you've done because now I know that even if I cant stop someone (or something), Im still going to let you know that Im here to fight anyway.
Jill
Im going to keep this sweet, short, and painful. I loved you, you didnt love me, I couldnt get over it, I fought for it, I lost, I got depressed, I fucked too many females to replace you, I fought for you again, I lost again, I took it into my heart, I let it sit there for a long time, I got over it, I started back up, now Im the Alpha and Im good. Thank you for the lesson, I forgive you, but ya lost! lol
Later Days
Monday, October 10, 2011
Random Spill
Well Im about to turn 19 in like 14 days, so Im just going to splurt out 18 random confessions that has happened to me since birth.
Leggo:
1. I have 4 tattoos
2. I got nicked by a knife wielded by someone trying to kill me.
3. I've ran from the cops and got away.
4. Lost my virginity November 2nd.
5. I've had to stay awake in two girl's bedrooms overnight to ensure that their parents didnt catch us making out.
6. I did love Benee, Jill, Indigo (not as much), and Sydnie.
7. I've had a dog, cat, gerbil, bird, and fish.
8. I dont like weed like that.
9. My first drink was jagermiester. After the first sip, I thought I was a dragon.
10. My first said I had a weird stroke, but it was working! lol
11. When Im horny, my eyes tend to turn red.
12. In life, I dont want money to be my success, I just want my mum, fam, and friends to be taken care of comfortably along with myself.
13. I wear a size 12, but I can fit an 11 from time to time.
14. I rarely get sad, I just get angry and anger equals energy for me. I dont know why.
15. I dont forget faces, just names.
16. I really do keep it a 100. I wont lie to you, I just wont tell you unless you ask for the whole truth.
17. I was homeless for a lil. Big deal.
18. I wish people I fucked with in highschool kept in touch as much as I wanted, but life has split paths.
Later Days
Leggo:
1. I have 4 tattoos
2. I got nicked by a knife wielded by someone trying to kill me.
3. I've ran from the cops and got away.
4. Lost my virginity November 2nd.
5. I've had to stay awake in two girl's bedrooms overnight to ensure that their parents didnt catch us making out.
6. I did love Benee, Jill, Indigo (not as much), and Sydnie.
7. I've had a dog, cat, gerbil, bird, and fish.
8. I dont like weed like that.
9. My first drink was jagermiester. After the first sip, I thought I was a dragon.
10. My first said I had a weird stroke, but it was working! lol
11. When Im horny, my eyes tend to turn red.
12. In life, I dont want money to be my success, I just want my mum, fam, and friends to be taken care of comfortably along with myself.
13. I wear a size 12, but I can fit an 11 from time to time.
14. I rarely get sad, I just get angry and anger equals energy for me. I dont know why.
15. I dont forget faces, just names.
16. I really do keep it a 100. I wont lie to you, I just wont tell you unless you ask for the whole truth.
17. I was homeless for a lil. Big deal.
18. I wish people I fucked with in highschool kept in touch as much as I wanted, but life has split paths.
Later Days
Sometimes...
You got to leave home.
I dont find my state disgusting or anything, but I feel the need to get cultured.
For some odd reason, I feel like I might become that guy who doesnt get out of here.
This place will trap you, I'm working on fixing that though.
Mostly everyone I love is here and there is a fear of the unknown out there, but is outweighed by this corporal spirit I have.
Sometimes, you got to leave what you know.
You got to love.
The past sends so many shivers down my skin.
At times, while Im in class or just chilling out, I think about everything that has ever happened to me.
I swear, it doesnt feel like I've done all these things, seen all these people, felt so much in 18 years.
Im not saying Im deep as an abyss, but if you were with me since Day One, you would understand to the fullest.
I'm not afraid to say that I've been hurt, I'm not ashamed to say that I've wanted when I couldn't have, and I damn sure never shy away from my actions.
I have regrets, yes, yet it doesnt hinder my progress.
Too many times have I opened my heart just to let someone in and watch it implode.
Not just girlfriends (or just girls I liked), but dad, mum (at times), friends, and even strangers (I know this one sounds stupid, but I'll tell you later).
My stance on it now is just "whatever".
Some people aint give a fuck about me when I cared for their whole world.
I took a risk and lost. Wont stop me from loving again, so Im ready.
Sometimes, the pain let's you appreciate the solace.
Lastly, you have to think about the day.
Everyday we are toying with our future. Anything we take in our body, whatever we learn, our hobbies, our vices, are possibly being passed down to our children, either through genetics or just behavior. I play, I work, and this past Summer has screamed the most important task I have to start doing: I have to plan. The day is special to me because it's history; every second, minute, hour will literally never come back around and it saddens me. There are no do overs here....
It is empowering and also limiting.
This past Summer hit me with the sure, blown fact that it's not just my future Im making, I have other people's world on my back to look out for and I wont let them down, even if they didnt do the same for me.
Sometimes, Im changing quicker than I wanted to.
Later Days
I dont find my state disgusting or anything, but I feel the need to get cultured.
For some odd reason, I feel like I might become that guy who doesnt get out of here.
This place will trap you, I'm working on fixing that though.
Mostly everyone I love is here and there is a fear of the unknown out there, but is outweighed by this corporal spirit I have.
Sometimes, you got to leave what you know.
You got to love.
The past sends so many shivers down my skin.
At times, while Im in class or just chilling out, I think about everything that has ever happened to me.
I swear, it doesnt feel like I've done all these things, seen all these people, felt so much in 18 years.
Im not saying Im deep as an abyss, but if you were with me since Day One, you would understand to the fullest.
I'm not afraid to say that I've been hurt, I'm not ashamed to say that I've wanted when I couldn't have, and I damn sure never shy away from my actions.
I have regrets, yes, yet it doesnt hinder my progress.
Too many times have I opened my heart just to let someone in and watch it implode.
Not just girlfriends (or just girls I liked), but dad, mum (at times), friends, and even strangers (I know this one sounds stupid, but I'll tell you later).
My stance on it now is just "whatever".
Some people aint give a fuck about me when I cared for their whole world.
I took a risk and lost. Wont stop me from loving again, so Im ready.
Sometimes, the pain let's you appreciate the solace.
Lastly, you have to think about the day.
Everyday we are toying with our future. Anything we take in our body, whatever we learn, our hobbies, our vices, are possibly being passed down to our children, either through genetics or just behavior. I play, I work, and this past Summer has screamed the most important task I have to start doing: I have to plan. The day is special to me because it's history; every second, minute, hour will literally never come back around and it saddens me. There are no do overs here....
It is empowering and also limiting.
This past Summer hit me with the sure, blown fact that it's not just my future Im making, I have other people's world on my back to look out for and I wont let them down, even if they didnt do the same for me.
Sometimes, Im changing quicker than I wanted to.
Later Days
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