This Time

Last weekend I ended up at some sweat box courtesy of my two roommates.
It was an event I was all too familiar with and I usually enjoy myself at places like that,
but this time I didn't.

Last night I had to run some equipment to my friend for his photo shoot and ended up talking to some of the participants there before he came out.
We all talked the "little talk" that I loathe, but It wasn't the same.
I didn't feel the same.

Today I walked back from the library after printing out some document and realized that this time last year I couldn't get caught in the rain.
I wasn't wearing jeans or a Killer's t-shirt. I didn't have the option to.
This time last year, I was afraid and in some place I shouldn't have been.

I haven't been the same since then I noticed.

Whereas I used to take risks with no stalling, talk the way I wanted to talk, and generally felt more inclined to be me, I stopped doing that.
It isn't growing older either or maturing....I abandoned myself in public.
I only like myself in private or with people who already know me.

That last line is about as far removed from a masturbation joke as possible, but if the thought ran across your mind, I'll forgive.

__________________________________

I like me.
People like me.
But often, it feels like I need outside validation, when I really shouldn't, but it is a good thing to have.
For example,
serial killers feel they are in the right. They like what they are doing and only need validation from themselves.
That's a powerful thing, yet wrongly used, for if they trusted someone, a person who's validation is necessary for them to start (or continue) their murderous reign, then they won't kill people if they feel it's wrong to this significant person.
Mind you, they can also say fuck that guy and keep on stabbing, but I digress...
I never needed validation. I didn't need it a year ago.
Today, I can't say the same thing. It was purely unintentional, the need for validation.
It's a pity as well because I used to be so good at not needing others, that in turn, they liked me for riding my own wave, this gaining their validation anyway.
I want to change because I will change.
Last year isn't anymore. I'm here still. I'm comfortable in my own skin and with the things I like, why not extend that?
I shouldn't be afraid of that place. I grew stronger in other areas from it, yet suffered a blow in the one spot I loved the most: Being Me.
I can't be anyone else. I can't talk like anyone else. I can't dress like anyone else. I can't live like anyone.
I never felt like anybody and I used to like it that way, way better than I do now with whatever I'm doing.
This time around, I know what's wrong, thanks to the rain outside and my awkward accounts.

Later Days, Longer Nights