I Lied

On January 24, 2011

I lied.

I wrote about how maybe you can have it all

You can't

You gotta choose
I can't have it all
So between them and her
I want her

Get Back In The Ring Kid

That's why I keep this thing
To see where my head was at a certain time. To compare. To know when I backtrack.
Moments in life that become memories
To see when I won and when I lost
So, here it goes,

Disregard what I said about hating her.

I'm Dominick. I am a fighter. That's me.
I want her. I want everything about her. And I won't give up on that.
Fight

I need to learn patience, space right now is important.
Give her time to think about me and us
I'm not good at waiting or space
Yet, I'm gonna learn
Because...

Come April, I'm going to give it one more shot.
Step back in the ring and fight for her again.
I fucking love Chanel.

I'm not perfect. I make mistakes.
Maybe I was holding back before, I don't know why.
I'm on my last breath, but I'm taking a second wind and I'm following my heart.

I will do anything for that girl because she means to me what Earth is to humans
She's home

Fate tapped me on the shoulder and told me what to do

My next couple of posts won't mention her, I promise, but I couldn't keep this in my head.
I prayed about this. I sat in my room, not reminiscing, only remembering.
People have arguments, disagreements. We can rise above that. I forgot.

So for right now, I'm waiting for that day in April.
Even now, I'm nervous, but I gotta get up and fight for her and her soul.
Just thinking about this gives me jitters, the good kind.
Makes me feel strong.
Like there's a heat, an inner glow that makes me feel like this is more than right,
its divine.
I'm following that,
I'm following that fucking feeling right back to her.

Until then, I'm getting ready
I want to change the world with her
See you soon

Look What This World Did To Us

I called my mum today and let loose

Finally came clean

I told her that I'm sorry for being a shitty son
Told her I'm sorry about crashing her car and that I think about it everyday
I know it's just us two, but I feel like shit
When you ask me for money and I can't come through

I told her that I know I jumped out here, in Philadelphia
I admitted that I jumped out here too soon,
Paying bills, rent, learning to live on my own
I am not a man, I can't do this on my own
I came clean that I'm not proud of some of the things I've done to make money
But there was no other way

I told her that I feel alone
That I'm scared of the future because I've never had
a good example of what to do, so
I'm making it up as I go
That I don't feel like I'm good at anything
Making me feel unsure of what to do next Spring
That even though I'm scared,
I'm not going to let it stop me
I'll get there

I asked her not to leave me before I make something of myself
Like Chanel and my dad did
I begged her not to leave me, alone

I get random sways of emotion that lead me to believe that you're in danger
I said,
I love you and I'm going to get up there one day and make all your dreams come true
I said,

I let her in about how me and Chanel had plans
How I didn't know what I was doing since she quit me
She quit the team
I explained how I'm going to get over here
By hating her
By allowing the pain of what I'm going through to eat me
By replaying every promise she made to me over in my head if I ever see or talk to her
And remember that she lied about every single one when she left
Not because I want to
I have to
I explained how I can't see her with anyone else because I'll always know that it should be us
But that's a dream deferred
I told her that she doesn't even talk to me or go out of her way like I do
I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that misses us

I told mum that I'm scared that I turned into my father
I know what I did wrong and now it's too late to truly fix my actions
Ma, I may have lost my shot and I only get one go at this
I hate her and I think I hate myself
But I'll recover and become stronger
You told me how to do it

She said, "Don't hate her. You may get back together, but for the mean time, fuck her."

I talked to my mother for the first time in a long time.
Not the filler conversation we're used to
"How's school?" "How's work?" "What are you doing?"
I talked to my mother today and for the first time in a long ass time,

It feels great.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Accepted

Don't forget.

Let it be known that at 3:42pm today, February 19th, 2015..

You accepted it.
You let yourself be consumed by fire.
There's no going back, only up.

Different

I've been in a special place since things fell apart and I'm cool with it
Been making music, learning how to love myself more and accept that I am who I am

Differences are something we all come with

A re-occurring problem I had with my ex was that we always pointed out our differences and while at first it was a cute thing to notice, it soon developed into a weapon that we both used against each other.

(From my perspective) she liked order and her guys in a suit, dressed fairly well.

I liked t shirts and chill clothes. I come from chaos and have learned to live in it.

She didn't get my fascination with video games, superheros, and Converses.

I didn't get weaves, haircare, and some other things she liked.

We taught each other things, which I must admit was the best part about that,

but alas,

we let our differences shake us.


I'm learning how to break down the rhythm in instrumentals and use them in conjunction with my lyric choices.
I'm learning how to come to terms with the person I've formed out to be.
One thing I used to say to her that I know hurt her feelings was,
"You don't make me feel like it's okay to be me."

I meant that shit. I shouldn't have said it though.
Cause she didn't mean to do that.
I did that to myself.


Differences keep us interesting. Learn to love them.


Later Days, Longer Nights

Oh I like that

You know what I like
I like when we at a party
And the music is booming
Everyone moving
Its the time of everyone life and you can just feel it
The lights are low

Everyone gone
We on
The liquor and weed got us on
The liquor and weed got us on

And you dancing
Swinging them hips
With that smile I can't resist
You pulling me close
You pulling me in
I'm touching your skin

You know what I like
I like when we at a party
And the music is booming
Everyone moving
You take me to the side
Tell me come closer

You get up on your tiptoes
All in my ear
You say
"Fuck me here"
"Right in the bathroom"
"No one will hear"

But I kinda wish someone does

You know what I like
I like when you bite my lip
You like when I lick you from ya neck to ya face
I like when you suck it
You like when I'm on the liquor and I be rough and shit

Scratching my back
Bruise on your ass
Your teeth cut my skin
I'm yanking your hair

We know what we like

To Get Through, Get By

In the silence, I have to tell myself that she's not thinking about me.
It's been some months. Gotta keep it up.
"She's not thinking about you man. All those plans and that future you thought you had is shit now. You are two people who knew each other pretty well, but that's all. You both wasted your time and if you know anything, then you'll realize that's the horrible part; you not getting that time back.  Fuck what those dead poets said, you wasted your time and you know you wish you hadn't. You can't take it back, you would, but that's not your current reality. It sucks. She's gone. Get hurt."

Bye
Later days, Longer nights

ReDo

Dear goodness, I just read my last post and realized that I have no clue what I was talking about.
I know what I meant, but even re-reading myself, I can firmly say that I came off batshit crazy.

Alas, Crazy is my nom de plume.