Look What This World Did To Us

I called my mum today and let loose

Finally came clean

I told her that I'm sorry for being a shitty son
Told her I'm sorry about crashing her car and that I think about it everyday
I know it's just us two, but I feel like shit
When you ask me for money and I can't come through

I told her that I know I jumped out here, in Philadelphia
I admitted that I jumped out here too soon,
Paying bills, rent, learning to live on my own
I am not a man, I can't do this on my own
I came clean that I'm not proud of some of the things I've done to make money
But there was no other way

I told her that I feel alone
That I'm scared of the future because I've never had
a good example of what to do, so
I'm making it up as I go
That I don't feel like I'm good at anything
Making me feel unsure of what to do next Spring
That even though I'm scared,
I'm not going to let it stop me
I'll get there

I asked her not to leave me before I make something of myself
Like Chanel and my dad did
I begged her not to leave me, alone

I get random sways of emotion that lead me to believe that you're in danger
I said,
I love you and I'm going to get up there one day and make all your dreams come true
I said,

I let her in about how me and Chanel had plans
How I didn't know what I was doing since she quit me
She quit the team
I explained how I'm going to get over here
By hating her
By allowing the pain of what I'm going through to eat me
By replaying every promise she made to me over in my head if I ever see or talk to her
And remember that she lied about every single one when she left
Not because I want to
I have to
I explained how I can't see her with anyone else because I'll always know that it should be us
But that's a dream deferred
I told her that she doesn't even talk to me or go out of her way like I do
I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that misses us

I told mum that I'm scared that I turned into my father
I know what I did wrong and now it's too late to truly fix my actions
Ma, I may have lost my shot and I only get one go at this
I hate her and I think I hate myself
But I'll recover and become stronger
You told me how to do it

She said, "Don't hate her. You may get back together, but for the mean time, fuck her."

I talked to my mother for the first time in a long time.
Not the filler conversation we're used to
"How's school?" "How's work?" "What are you doing?"
I talked to my mother today and for the first time in a long ass time,

It feels great.

Later Days, Longer Nights