An Antidote

It's wild how some people come to conclusions about certain things/event/people

I'm sitting here thinking about how I knew things weren't going to work out with this girl

She was Puerto Rican, short,
long black hair that seldom sat at her shoulders

She was fiery, more so than myself

Her temper reminded me of myself....when I was 16

We had some good times when, but they were few and far between
Then she got on this religion thing and an assortment of other issues that caused me to have issues,
ultimately driving a wedge between us

But I saw it coming, around the time of my birthday

I wanted to go see the Goosebumps movie
I loved the series as a child and wanted to see the big screen adaptation

She was down to see it with me, after one of her other plans fell through (strike 1)
So, she said she didn't want to take transit to come over to my place and I understood...
I've taken that bus and subway to her place before and it's not that easy...

So I call a Lyft and the guy takes me on a roundtrip from my place to hers, and then back again

I told her I wanted to take a flight before the movie and she didn't confirm nor deny the offer

So, I'm heating the plane and she declined right there on the spot (strike 2)
I felt kind of offended because she attributed her denial of the activity due to some religious reason...

yet, we definitely have done the deed before in each other's presence, but fuck it

So, I'm up there and we are walking to the movie theater and I look at her and we're talking about some bullshit that neither of us remembered.

She's talking and I feel so close to her.
I understood her more in that moment than I ever have before.
This flight feels like God is pressing His thumb on my brain and I get her.
I felt stupid.
Filled with hot air and laughter.

And in my thoughts, I think

"Oh my goodness, I can only understand her when I'm flat out stupid. This ain't gonna work."

We had a romance, but it was too complicated.
We used to have a chemical romance, but then she got faux religious.
She was (mentally) too young for someone who was 21 years old.
If things didn't go her way, a volcano exploded and whatever fancy picnic you two were sitting in was covered in red.
She stormed off.

I'm too calm for that now. I know that swing of emotion and I can't even do that shit myself anymore.
I lost it. I replaced it. I don't even know where it went.

She kissed me with so much fire. It was exciting and unique.
I can't remember the last time someone kissed me like that,
if ever.

But, she's gone. Off trying to make a way on a disabled path.
Being full of pride and Christianity, that girl is going to have it tough.
Not in the way that paves the foundation for a good story, the opposite.

And I let her go.
I was the only one fighting for her, constantly.
She was the only one fighting, constantly.
I got her a job, helped her get back in school, fed her when needed, and did what I could to make that path easier.
We both knew how hard it is to be alone and ambitious, our safety nets burned at childhood.
The stress biting our heels, when we walk through our neighborhood and see people who don't even want to try.
Not knowing if we were brave for pursuing or dumb as fuck.
It's something my last didn't know. She could understand, but to feel that stress was another struggle.

I let her go because I grew, I tried, and I listened to the complaints.
I took advice and practiced evening out the problems I had.
I examined myself because I thought she was worth it.

She had no mirrors in her world.
She looked amazing every time I saw her, yet she had not a single fucking mirror in her life.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Do You Feel That Shit?

Normalcy
Normal, seeeeeee?

Practice peace with your soul and you're viewing all your mistakes through a telescope mounted on binoculars.

She didn't even wish me a happy birthday
whereas I
bothered my friends with questions and concerns on if I should've called or texted the phrase
when hers came around.

We came to an unanimous decision on texting.

But it was well deserved, the lack of reciprocating the act on my end from her point of view

I had a cunning plan last time I talked to her, one I revealed when it wasn't proving fruitful
I let it all loose like a James Bond villain near the climax, when the bad guy believes he's gonna win since Bond is tied up to some plank that's slowly descending down a shark infested river.

I let it all loose: my intentions, how I did it, how I was gonna do it, everything

Well Bond got a lot of gadgets, so as he gets loose to foil the villain's plans, so she unraveled my work.

It still kind of hurt. I mean, it was my birthday and all.
Fuck it, let's retreat to the infamous apathy we've all grown accustom

She had a head start anyway with it.


But im so okay now a days, its startling
I just know what to do from now on and it's shocking
I can't even think like I used to a year ago
I tried so hard one night and 3 days and half a twilight ago
I have people calling me, trying to save my soul....for real
They call and I listen, but it aint happening

The hardest thing to do is forgive yourself

Later Days, Longer Nights

Leftovers

I'm scared to take a girl to the beach with me

When I do that, I have to marry her

It's my favorite place in the entire world and I can't share it with someone who won't stay

Can't and won't

I'm someone's leftovers.
A couple of people's leftovers if you want to be a realist.

Picked through and ultimately discarded.

Gosh, it feels good to be melodramatic on a Sunday.

But in all seriousness,
we are leftovers.

People who found one thing, one thing that was ours.
Then you lose it, through whatever means, it's gone.

Then you meet someone else who is like you.
Rinse, repeat.

I don't feel like going into it anymore. I only came back to let myself remember that I shouldn't forget this space.

Hello.


Later Days, Longer Nights