An Antidote

It's wild how some people come to conclusions about certain things/event/people

I'm sitting here thinking about how I knew things weren't going to work out with this girl

She was Puerto Rican, short,
long black hair that seldom sat at her shoulders

She was fiery, more so than myself

Her temper reminded me of myself....when I was 16

We had some good times when, but they were few and far between
Then she got on this religion thing and an assortment of other issues that caused me to have issues,
ultimately driving a wedge between us

But I saw it coming, around the time of my birthday

I wanted to go see the Goosebumps movie
I loved the series as a child and wanted to see the big screen adaptation

She was down to see it with me, after one of her other plans fell through (strike 1)
So, she said she didn't want to take transit to come over to my place and I understood...
I've taken that bus and subway to her place before and it's not that easy...

So I call a Lyft and the guy takes me on a roundtrip from my place to hers, and then back again

I told her I wanted to take a flight before the movie and she didn't confirm nor deny the offer

So, I'm heating the plane and she declined right there on the spot (strike 2)
I felt kind of offended because she attributed her denial of the activity due to some religious reason...

yet, we definitely have done the deed before in each other's presence, but fuck it

So, I'm up there and we are walking to the movie theater and I look at her and we're talking about some bullshit that neither of us remembered.

She's talking and I feel so close to her.
I understood her more in that moment than I ever have before.
This flight feels like God is pressing His thumb on my brain and I get her.
I felt stupid.
Filled with hot air and laughter.

And in my thoughts, I think

"Oh my goodness, I can only understand her when I'm flat out stupid. This ain't gonna work."

We had a romance, but it was too complicated.
We used to have a chemical romance, but then she got faux religious.
She was (mentally) too young for someone who was 21 years old.
If things didn't go her way, a volcano exploded and whatever fancy picnic you two were sitting in was covered in red.
She stormed off.

I'm too calm for that now. I know that swing of emotion and I can't even do that shit myself anymore.
I lost it. I replaced it. I don't even know where it went.

She kissed me with so much fire. It was exciting and unique.
I can't remember the last time someone kissed me like that,
if ever.

But, she's gone. Off trying to make a way on a disabled path.
Being full of pride and Christianity, that girl is going to have it tough.
Not in the way that paves the foundation for a good story, the opposite.

And I let her go.
I was the only one fighting for her, constantly.
She was the only one fighting, constantly.
I got her a job, helped her get back in school, fed her when needed, and did what I could to make that path easier.
We both knew how hard it is to be alone and ambitious, our safety nets burned at childhood.
The stress biting our heels, when we walk through our neighborhood and see people who don't even want to try.
Not knowing if we were brave for pursuing or dumb as fuck.
It's something my last didn't know. She could understand, but to feel that stress was another struggle.

I let her go because I grew, I tried, and I listened to the complaints.
I took advice and practiced evening out the problems I had.
I examined myself because I thought she was worth it.

She had no mirrors in her world.
She looked amazing every time I saw her, yet she had not a single fucking mirror in her life.

Later Days, Longer Nights