Not Snakes or Heights

Recently, I discovered two new fears that I have.

Exciting stuff.

I won't go into the first one, but I do want to talk about the second.

I have the time to do it, but I don't want to describe it the way I usually talk about things...
riding the line between poetic and brash, no.

I want to remember how I worded it the first time it came to mind.

I'm scared of someone I love/like looking at me one day and not feeling the same way anymore.
Someone who I've carved out a future with or someone who I've known for so many years, to the point where friends doesn't describe how embedded I've made them in my life.

I already know and firmly believe that we, as humans, are fickle...we're capable of anything and we will discard each other in the blink of an eye.

Losing the feeling for someone is an instantaneous action.
It's like you carry this notion around of this person and then it drops, like throwing a duffel bag onto the ground.

I've let too many people get to know me past the image, on a personal level where they know actually shit that has happened in my life, stories and moments I beg to forget. They have this copy of my life and they're walking around with too much information, to not be in my life.
And still, they aren't.

Someone asked me a week ago what I considered to be one of my weaknesses....this person is not deep in my life, so I almost gave them a bullshit honest response....something that's true, but treads lightly on the subject.
I decided against it and gave her an answer with a little more character.

I said, "I have moments of weakness that I can't snuff out."

She didn't know what I meant.

Those moments are tied to me knowing better about people, yet not acting like it...times where I know things are great in the beginning, but not everyone can stand the marathon.
Scenes I replay in my head where I should've kept my guard up and not given them anything of substance.
Moments in time where I didn't even feel myself fucking up because it felt amazing to let someone occupy this gap in me.

This isn't going to turn into some declaration about how I'm never going to let anyone in or how I'm going to keep my guard up and be cold...naw.

I don't really know what this was suppose to turn in to.


I just wanted to remember today.


Later Days, Longer Nights

I Wrote this Down at my Desk and I Need to Remember this for Later

You asked me before why I stick around and I wasn't completely detailed in my response.
I was honest, but refrained.

The full reason is simple in words.

This is it.
Hitting the road, stretching our legs, taking in the Sun, making memories from moments.
This is all there is and I don't want it to slip through my fingers like a handful of sand.

Now, this may raise another question.
Why this with you?

That full reason is not simple, even with the perfect words.

Perfect words have been overused when describing you. I'm pretty sure you've gotten your fill of being told that you're beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, sophisticated...and well, you know where I'm going with that.

While all those things are true, I also know that people tend to overlook some of your more "definitive" qualities.
But Angie, you come in colors...and I can see every single one.

You're pure energy, pure motion, pure unfiltered love. A doorway into a vast open space of energy, light, and awareness.

And I've seen the days where you were the opposite of those things...

Unpredictable, deep, potentially wild and destructive, hot, and angry...

Yet, always full of life.

Emotionally, you are all over the place and at this point, I expect you to change your mind without second thought about anything. I wouldn't even put it past you to fuck me, murder me, and enlighten me all in one day.
This juicy, enlivening, rejuvenative feminine energy that is you...

It drives me crazy and I wouldn't want to be around someone who did anything less.

Happy Birthday

Picking You

dandelion seeds kicked up into the air
dancing in the wind
through twirls

remind me of all the desires
I have

I'm thrown back into the magic
of life
the rare moment where I'm not operating on
autopilot
my status is more than neutral
I am more than stone

she comes in colors
and i can
finally see every single one

involved

very aware
of the hope I placed on you
false & extensive

we never had a chance and I even prayed for one to become
available
God ignores me

don't do it to make me safe
or to refrain from hidden thoughts

I don't write to get closer
I'm writing to get away
come March, you'll do the same

involved
I can't lie
you did and it made me angry
then I lied right back to you
lied to keep us alive
a lie alive

you showed your faith in this
leaving me appalled
even then I still
care

im involved yet will pretend
this is nothing

I do care

Expelling the poison before it eats me.

This is what I get.
I let my guard down.
It was too early to call it love, but it was more than a crush.
I rarely give chances, so it was nice to get where we were.
I let my guard down and this is karma for some fucked up shit I did about 2 weeks ago.

She's amazing in every sense of the word
and
She belongs to the world.

I lose people regularly, claiming I don't care.
Right when I noticed that we could be going south, I almost said it again:

"I dont care, fuck this."

But I didn't. I do care. I really cared.
I'd look at her and think "I hope I don't fuck this up".
Then my thoughts grew to "Shit, I'm screwed. I'm all in for this girl."

Now I'm here again, alone.

It only hurts cause I really figured I knew best,
thought I knew when someone was different from the rest.