I Need A Hero (But I Know)

 It's been a while.

Some could say way too long.

I've been listening to "New Person, Same Old Mistakes" by Tame Impala and well...

There's a mirror I recognize.

I could take all this time to recap the past 2 years, but I have to go to work soon.

So I'll just start with current events:

I still feel strong. I think I'm still funny. I try to relate and keep a positive circle and beings around me.

But,

I drink too much when I do drink. My relationship looks to be on its last leg. My girl has a steady streak of hitting me. I got fired for doing the right thing and I know justice is never served the way it should. My mom had a stroke and still hates me. My aunt has been to the hospital twice in the past month and thankfully she loves me. I felt trapped in Vegas with no path to advance to something more. Im not making enough money to carry everything on my plate. Suicide has some interesting ideologies if I daydream about it too long. I'm getting older and progressively detached. Had to let go of therapy because I lost the means to go. I read the news every day and feel as if life is deteriorating from the bullies and villains who dont care. This planet is crumbling. My planet is a cookie in the hands of the obese.

I need a hero, but I know -

No one is going to save me. No one is coming. I have to do it on my own and I'm okay with failing in pursuit of what I need. So, let's fucking go.

I took a part time job to help pay for my bills and others. Im plotting to get out of this city with Washington dreams. Im going to teach again, I will be fulfilled. I'll figure things out with my girl or just let it be and start over. My planet is a cookie in the hands of the obese, but I am a vegan cookie. You will not take me down lightly, whoever you are. Im sure there is more good to express, but time isn't on my side at the moment. 

"Can we carry so much weight?"

This snapshot may seem manageable. Try living it. I haven't come across most in this place that can relate. Oh, there goes that word again..."relate". I dont get to use it often.

I need a hero, but I know a good time on some ecstasy would probably do. At this point, I'd count that as saving myself too.

 

Stepping Stones to the Green Card

I feel lonely, even though you're here.

If its not Instagram, then its the computer. Usually, its Instagram.

The mat you leave outside your door on this shitty, rainy day...wipe your feet and come in. 

Or is it in my head.

Its here in my body and my mood.

And i cant stand to hear how "supported" you are. As if you're overjoyed at getting the chance to rub it in my face. Im happy you come from a great family and you have friends all over. 

A privilege actually.

I dont envy you, but i do keep track of when you make me feel low. 

Low low.

No one really cares about you low.

"What am i doing here" low. 

This weighted blanket of apathy low.

I'm no angel myself. 

Yet,

I try to spare you from this.

The exact same poison you feed me.

 I feel like no one cares about me

There's love within the family and friend relationships i have, but still...i think you can love without caring

I feel that i dont have anyone to talk to about the real things on my mind

I feel discarded by my mother. Theres so much i can write about this, but it all boils down to just that...she brought me here, kinda raised me, and then peaced out by the time i turned 20. I have no history beyond the one ive crafted each and every day of my life since ive been born. That might be enough for most, but i know theres more.

I feel like my gf is using me sometimes...and when she says "we're family" and then weaponizes her famous statement "i know my family will love me and support me", i can feel the detachment of myself in that statement. Guess we're only family when it suits her. Like a reserve on Family Feud. Do you really know me? 

My friends will be loved unconditionally...but they're everywhere and they got their own lives to live. I respect it and thats that.

My family is the same...but no one keeps up with each other unless they are nearby. I haven't been nearby for nearly 5+ years. 

I read posts here from when i was younger and everything is different, yet the same.

Im not the only human free falling through existence. Still doesn't make my pain feel any less.

I'm not a child anymore, I don't want to die. 

But when will this pain subside?

I have this thing...this thing where i let loose and allow my emotions to run...fucking flowing like a waterfall.

And right when i address all my problems, i put the wall back up and retreat into my shell. I dont want to do that, but i have to.

No one wants to hear this shit. 

Or at least ive convinced myself of such. Im good at that.

I feel alone most of the time. 

The last time i didnt feel like this was back in Philly. Stronger bonds. 

I dont know what to do to get past this. 

But, 

Rough x Atlanta

 Rough

I'm the only nigga I know that keeps a fucking diary.

I dont know what worth this will serve when all I record is confusion and pain.

Its rough out here

But it could be worst

Atlanta

Just came back from seeing my guys...

The one's from the same city as I.

The trip was sloppy as hell, but thank goodness the brunch was great. Dinner too.

I don't want to return though.

I'm meant for the West coast and its pampered weather.

I might go to Texas though, Gary and Julius said its fun there.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Clueless

 I have no idea what to say.

Mr. Stevens, I know you want me to use this to fill in the space from our meetings, but I dont know how to anymore, but.

I'm clueless.

I could guess, 

a pretty good hunch that

(/) will tell me go to hell, like I ain't been yet.

Insurance

 Among the many lifelong subjects (ranging from taxes, financial literacy, debt, credit cards, etc.) the U.S. public school system should teach to students, insurance should be at the top.

I'm pretty certain more than half the country doesn't really understand how it works.

I am included in that figure.

My insurance got changed for some reason and now all my doctors and dentists are no good. Im not really bummed out about this aspect.

Im upset at the fact that now I have to find a new therapist.

I got an appointment I long time ago and was suppose to finally go to my first session once I got back, but now that's dead.

He was perfect (from the reviews)...black, educated, and seemed to know his shit.

I always thought it was a good idea to go, but I haven't been sleeping for almost 2 months now.

Not full blown insomnia, but I'll try to go to sleep and end up only clocking like 2-3 hours at most.

Its making me tired (of course), paranoid, easily agitated, and just an overall shittier person.

I don't want to be prescribed any medication though...I think I need advice and a little bit of guidance from someone who will actually listen to me without bias.

Between my bi-coastal problems, I dont know what to expect next, but

I know the show will keep going on...cause it always does. 

Its so funny that it borders depressing.

You can't have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because if everyone's happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show...has to keep going. There's always more show. Until there isn't.

You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you're next. I mean, you know, obviously it's not like there's a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.

Later Days , Longer Nights

Whoa

 I've never written a post from my phone. 

Feels so new age.

Comes with the bease of accessibility and the flaws of typos.

So what did i wanna say?

There's no perfect version of me once this ends.

I tried to be spiteful, yet God had other plans.

It's too late for me on the other end.

I don't even wanna be happy. I just wanna do right.

But when a liar tells the truth, can she accept it as such or just think it's a lie?

I don't know. I'm not being dramatic when i tell my friends i want to die.

I close my eyes and i can see her crying.

All the time...literally.

I take the bus in Baltimore and i have a decent amount of time to myself and my mind wanders....i like it, but it strolls back to her.

And i think about this song and the part that says "I done did shit that make me hate myself". I'm trying to fix the Wi-Fi while i let one eye cry.

The song title is "It gets better" but i haven't seen it yet.

Later days , longer nights