Melissa, I'm Drunk

Unsure, unpredictable, unreliable and having a blast through all the confusion

Trying to overcome what I already know, my own hand-crafted limitations

I whisper to myself that I can do whatever I want, when It needs to be shouted

No one was there to do that for me, until it was too late

I don't want to be a bus driver anymore

I'm going back further in time, to that kid who wanted to be an archaeologist because of
Jackie Chan Adventures

I'm trying it out

My head hurts in a spiritual realm

And one night I went out by myself to eat dinner at a bar
I had a burger, mac and cheese, and a beer

I walked home and I felt good,
really good

I walked straight, my shoulders didn't hunch up, I was focused
Finally feeling as how I thought I should feel everyday
Except I wasn't sober
Then I got scared


I'm an artist somewhere
I'm sensitive about shit

Called mum and told her what happened
She asked how much I drink because my dad was an alcoholic
Something I never knew
"He'd wake up and start drinking before the sun was even out"
Something I never knew

I'm on the last stretch of these college years and like a lot of other people, I don't know what the fuck is
next

So, Melissa I'm drunk

I'm drunk on the weekends and working on the weekdays
Trying it out one day at a time

Melissa I'm drunk
and you all hurt me
You all murdered me

You all told me you loved me and never spoke to me again

I can't wait my whole life
I bought shirts instead, shirts that fit me
a lot of shit that fits me, very well

Do better than well out there
Because the difference between me and you is,
I know I don't have any other choice

Later Days, Longer Nights

Happy

Often, I don't think I deserve to be happy I don't feel good a lot of the time I've done good things but they are overshadowed by what I know I've done wrong and It bogs me down I could've been happy years ago and even now but I chose to be drunk and a promise breaker and a bad son and all over places so much that my energy was always low I want it now and I deny myself it No matter who wants me to be all smiles I can't find it in me to be genuine I wouldn't be this way if I knew or had someone to guide me or even if I just flat out listened and did what was right I can't connect I don't connect I fake it and by the time anyone notices its way too late for us to start again I want to be happy and it isn't as simple as just doing it or willing myself into that state It's complicated and personal In my head I feel like I suffer a lot compared to my friends I may be confusing that with stress I'm not sure anymore This isn't fully where I am so thats a good thing I suppose Just want it to tip one way or the odd

Therapy

I said I was going to go and I did

I went to therapy today and it was a waste of time


I met with a counselor who wanted a snapshot of my problems currently and I told him a few

"Ok, the next scheduled time we can fit you in would be.....September 28th."

Shit

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead by now waiting for my appointment slot


Based on my current alcohol intake, he suggested linking me up with an alcohol specialist



I thought that was amusing, then I had a day dream of me passing a fifth back and forth between the shrink and I...
Gotta relate to the patient


I want help and I'm impatient at this point to get it

The guy who sees black when he thinks about the future also has a new internship for a PR company.
They reached out to me and well, I accepted.

Last night my energy escaped and it took me some time before I fell asleep.

And in between that struggle for slumber, I noticed that I lay in bed like someone is next to me and I'm holding their space while they are in the bathroom pissing nightly juices or coming in late from a shift or the club.
I go to sleep alone and wake up the same way.
Who am I saving that spot for?
What am I saving it for?
When I say I don't know, I truly mean it.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Summer's Dead

I've been trying to think of a life after college and all I see is black

Wanted to talk to my mum about it, but she's busy
Wanted to talk to my friends about it, but they can relate
Wanted to get it off my mind, yet im writing it down

The gym has been a bit helpful, not enough though.

I'm starting counseling Monday or Tuesday,
my own suggestion


Before I left for Michigan, I was looking at job postings on this website that only listed non-profit companies...
Had a crazy thought, I thought...
"I find no purpose in my own life, so maybe I can help someone/something else to achieve theirs."

I've always known there was something wrong with me.
Now it's a bunch of things.

Even with the gaps, I can't find my self esteem to be out of wack.
Still humble, so modest that people forget that I got it.
Except I know that whatever "it" is, isn't shit.

I ain't nobody.
And neither are you.

Still praying to God and giving thanks for everything that has come and will show up.

Stopping the connection before it gets too deep with girls, since I'm
still using my ex's shoes to get around.

One night she (not my ex, someone new) looked me in the eyes and said "You're wonderful".
We were outside and the breeze was slight.
I thought about what she meant and how I took it cause she's just smiling at me and her teeth are pearly white and she's so happy in this moment.
I'm happy too, but compared to her, I'm just gravel.
She's overjoyed and I'm sober from all those emotions that sweep you off your feet when the moon is high and life feels fucking right.
I'm there with her, but she's a shooting star and I'm a guy, on the ground,
looking up.

"I'm not good for you."

It felt like the bravest thing I've done in a long time.
Add another one to the graveyard.

I know there's no perfect version of me when

Summer's over.

Later Days, Longer Nights