Summer's Dead

I've been trying to think of a life after college and all I see is black

Wanted to talk to my mum about it, but she's busy
Wanted to talk to my friends about it, but they can relate
Wanted to get it off my mind, yet im writing it down

The gym has been a bit helpful, not enough though.

I'm starting counseling Monday or Tuesday,
my own suggestion


Before I left for Michigan, I was looking at job postings on this website that only listed non-profit companies...
Had a crazy thought, I thought...
"I find no purpose in my own life, so maybe I can help someone/something else to achieve theirs."

I've always known there was something wrong with me.
Now it's a bunch of things.

Even with the gaps, I can't find my self esteem to be out of wack.
Still humble, so modest that people forget that I got it.
Except I know that whatever "it" is, isn't shit.

I ain't nobody.
And neither are you.

Still praying to God and giving thanks for everything that has come and will show up.

Stopping the connection before it gets too deep with girls, since I'm
still using my ex's shoes to get around.

One night she (not my ex, someone new) looked me in the eyes and said "You're wonderful".
We were outside and the breeze was slight.
I thought about what she meant and how I took it cause she's just smiling at me and her teeth are pearly white and she's so happy in this moment.
I'm happy too, but compared to her, I'm just gravel.
She's overjoyed and I'm sober from all those emotions that sweep you off your feet when the moon is high and life feels fucking right.
I'm there with her, but she's a shooting star and I'm a guy, on the ground,
looking up.

"I'm not good for you."

It felt like the bravest thing I've done in a long time.
Add another one to the graveyard.

I know there's no perfect version of me when

Summer's over.

Later Days, Longer Nights