Happy

Often, I don't think I deserve to be happy I don't feel good a lot of the time I've done good things but they are overshadowed by what I know I've done wrong and It bogs me down I could've been happy years ago and even now but I chose to be drunk and a promise breaker and a bad son and all over places so much that my energy was always low I want it now and I deny myself it No matter who wants me to be all smiles I can't find it in me to be genuine I wouldn't be this way if I knew or had someone to guide me or even if I just flat out listened and did what was right I can't connect I don't connect I fake it and by the time anyone notices its way too late for us to start again I want to be happy and it isn't as simple as just doing it or willing myself into that state It's complicated and personal In my head I feel like I suffer a lot compared to my friends I may be confusing that with stress I'm not sure anymore This isn't fully where I am so thats a good thing I suppose Just want it to tip one way or the odd