Go back to where you belong

It's pointless and consuming
2015 is done

Got some, lost more

And you can hold on to whatever bright bulb of hope you got, but it's going to be tested
by something dark,
by something heavy,
by something.

I wanted to go against the trends. Be the change you want to see.

People pull me in when I wasn't even in the position for that to be the case at first...
They changed my mind about shit, then right when I start to give it a shot,
the rug is pulled from my feet.

I should smoke a cigarette.
I need whiskey on the ice.
Need to be alone, more.
Again.

I said it before, then discarded the belief.
Maybe it should be revived?

I'm too young to be good.

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Wall

I'm scared of letting people know things about me
Having information
Then leaving my life with it

So there's a wall
to stop that

Someone told me my wall has been twisted into my apparent meanness or the sarcasm I dabble in
Maybe they're right

Letting someone in is always deadly

So there's a wall
to stop that

They walk away knowing why you are the way you are and the bullshit you went through and the victories
you've attained and it's just a story to them

You're a closed book

Later Days, Longer Nights

Stay Away From Old Pictures

I try to listen to the world and things that happen
Odd events

Sometimes I listen too hard and put too much thought in things that don't require it

Why did those pictures show up?
Why did I read that prose recently?

Why does it all mean nothing at all now?

From every day to nearly a year with no words

I'm not as bad off as when the end started
Just trying to understand the lesson, to become better from it
If it's even worth it?

Later Days, Longer Nights

Semper Fidelis

Moving away from the scene has never been so fruitful before

It hit me a couple nights ago that people leave an impression on me too easily
That shit has led me to too many instances where I'm thinking about someone who isn't thinking about my ass at all

And then it's so cool not to care these days
I try to go against that wave and it never works out
Rian tells me I'm one of the nicest guys he knows and he doesn't even understand why
I said to him,
"I'm in that line too."

So, I'm thinking I'll just stop meeting new people on such a frequent basis
I threw myself and my face and my taste out there and it's a fun ride, but I get exhausted by people
There ways and other shit
You can only do so much for someone who never had anything
For someone who doesn't even know what they want

Then to add on, I'm generally underwhelmed most of the time, by a lot
Not a good combo

I'm living life like I won't find love because it's harder this way

Later days, Longer nights or some shit like that

In Clinic

I wrote this about 4 years ago, around this time 
This was my first time reading it since then

I went right to tears, grabbed a shot glass, and poured a shot of cognac to

numb it out

So much flooded back and it was in a rush that I couldn't fight off 

---------------------------------

In Clinic

And he held me through it all

Never once alone

Even though I wasn’t ready for this

It was bigger than I could handle

I’m just a little girl in a big world

He knew it

And acted accordingly

He’s been through it before

We discussed this day behind closed doors

I told him how scared I was

And my fearful words didn’t fall on deaf ears

He loved me enough to be brave

He opened the car door

Grabbing my hand before it felt fresh air

We walked into the clinic by the other’s hip

In the waiting room

Everyone else sat alone

I filled out forms and
we paid $330

The value of life

I rested my head on his shoulder and led my anxiety to slumber

A nurse called my name

But we rose together

She said I must come alone

He kissed me and exhaled deep

Breathing more life into my own

“You got this kid.”

I chuckled at his poor choice of words

He didn’t mean anything by it and I knew such

We hugged each other as if it was the final embrace

Him squeezing a little harder as if I wouldn’t return

But I would, just one less

I walked to the nurse

Feeling tears trickle down my face

Soon a green pill appeared

Administered by the nurse

5 minutes later, I'm asleep 

30 minutes later, I'm awake

Feeling barren

Not as close to him

Just a woman, not a mother

My head swirls with uncertainty

But no pain

They gave me a shot for that

Two nurses assist me to the lobby

And I fall in his arms

Land in his heart

I wanted to cry again

But it had to be done

We walked outside to a blossoming Sun

The sky is open

Just how I like

He looks at my face

Full of refrain and regret

Gently raising my head by my chin

His thumb softly lifting my hopes

I'm in his eyes and he’s in my mind

“I’ll take care of you”

His warm had washes through my hair

I find my place in the world

Here

-------------------------------------------

I wrote this from the perspective of my ex
From what she told me and what I experienced

Before, during, and after an incident

That led us to an abortion clinic

And she wonders why its hard for me to let her go

And then wonder why I choose to live life like I won't find love

Later Days, Longer Nights