I have no idea what to say.
Mr. Stevens, I know you want me to use this to fill in the space from our meetings, but I dont know how to anymore, but.
I'm clueless.
I could guess,
a pretty good hunch that
(/) will tell me go to hell, like I ain't been yet.
Among the many lifelong subjects (ranging from taxes, financial literacy, debt, credit cards, etc.) the U.S. public school system should teach to students, insurance should be at the top.
I'm pretty certain more than half the country doesn't really understand how it works.
I am included in that figure.
My insurance got changed for some reason and now all my doctors and dentists are no good. Im not really bummed out about this aspect.
Im upset at the fact that now I have to find a new therapist.
I got an appointment I long time ago and was suppose to finally go to my first session once I got back, but now that's dead.
He was perfect (from the reviews)...black, educated, and seemed to know his shit.
I always thought it was a good idea to go, but I haven't been sleeping for almost 2 months now.
Not full blown insomnia, but I'll try to go to sleep and end up only clocking like 2-3 hours at most.
Its making me tired (of course), paranoid, easily agitated, and just an overall shittier person.
I don't want to be prescribed any medication though...I think I need advice and a little bit of guidance from someone who will actually listen to me without bias.
Between my bi-coastal problems, I dont know what to expect next, but
I know the show will keep going on...cause it always does.
Its so funny that it borders depressing.
You can't have happy endings in sitcoms, not really, because if everyone's happy, the show would be over, and above all else, the show...has to keep going. There's always more show. Until there isn't.
You know, the weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you're next. I mean, you know, obviously it's not like there's a waitlist for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty.
Later Days , Longer Nights
I've never written a post from my phone.
Feels so new age.
Comes with the bease of accessibility and the flaws of typos.
So what did i wanna say?
There's no perfect version of me once this ends.
I tried to be spiteful, yet God had other plans.
It's too late for me on the other end.
I don't even wanna be happy. I just wanna do right.
But when a liar tells the truth, can she accept it as such or just think it's a lie?
I don't know. I'm not being dramatic when i tell my friends i want to die.
I close my eyes and i can see her crying.
All the time...literally.
I take the bus in Baltimore and i have a decent amount of time to myself and my mind wanders....i like it, but it strolls back to her.
And i think about this song and the part that says "I done did shit that make me hate myself". I'm trying to fix the Wi-Fi while i let one eye cry.
The song title is "It gets better" but i haven't seen it yet.
Later days , longer nights
Does anybody know to plan a funeral?
Cause I'm exhausted at what the future has in store for me next.
The hits just keep rolling.
"You weren't born to be king. You were born to cause pain and suffering and death. That's how it is, that's how it was, that's how it will be. All so that others can achieve the best versions of themselves."
I didn't even get the chance to go home before ruining everything, again.
This perpetual cycle of doing the wrong thing and then feeling the effects of doing so grows tiresome, even though its in my DNA.
Last night was a few things:
-Unexpected
-Personal
-Horrible
And after the smoke cleared, I ended up hurting 2 people that I care about, in ways I know I will regret for the rest of my life.
I didn't sleep until 4 a.m.
I didn't go to work the next day.
I had a strange dream that had nothing to do with the events of the prior night.
This isn't rock bottom, but it feels as if the floor has come crashing through abruptly.
Today I ran some errands and I let it all swirl around in my head with the main question being "Why did I do this?"
A few hours of driving around yielded an idea, which became my answer, which I will have to turn into action, an irreversible one at that.
Even though I don't see it as such all the time, I've immersed myself in lies...so many lies.
Is it what I've come from or something I just developed? I dont even know anymore.
The lies aren't even for personal gain most of the time. I just fallback on the unshakable feeling that I am not worth any of this...love, life, joy. I'm not even suppose to be here in the first place.
And in my attempts to ground myself in some type of worth, I tend to think that it's best to protect people from harsh truths by using a lie.
A few hours of driving around gave way to what I think is the right thing to do, for her and her. I'm still thinking it all over in my head, but I'm sure i'll still end up doing it cause it scares the shit out of me.
I started to feel better once I understood why I did all this. That doesn't negate the fact that I should feel even remotely fine with what happened...yet the only thing I can do is say my truth and my peace at least once, then let them be.
I didn't want to lose this feeling of doing what's right, even when it will hurt me and others in the end.
Perhaps the end of the summer will be best, so I can make sure that this is truly the right thing to do for everyone involved.
---------------------------
Hurting people comes too naturally for me and I only found this is one of my undesired skill sets once I moved here. They weren't even the first people I've hurt in this town...this is the worst, but not the first.
I listened to this podcast someone sent me and it was about recognizing that you aren't okay and some methods for healing and one of the speakers was Eric Andre. He mentioned how he journals his thoughts and that's a way to get all the shit in our heads out. Should I have been doing this since I moved here? I used to do it before, but I let life take me away. Perhaps I need to reverse that and be here more, than out there.
Later Days
Who am I talking to here?
I'm writing for no one to read this shit in this endless internet void.
I write to remember cause I'll forget, but couldn't I just keep all of this in my head?
I have no idea what compels me to use this thing...even after all this time.
On another note, I might be close to getting a new place, so I can get off Christian's couch.
I never wanted to go back home. This is good news.
I really needed some good news amidst everything that's happening.
Hate being homeless.
This is like the 3rd time in my life lol, this can not become a habit.
I keep having strange dreams, day & night.
I want to know what they mean.
Feel so stupid that I gotta do this, but after I post this, I'm going to google "How do you pray?"
I take that back, I am an idiot so looking info up isn't out of me.
I'm going to pray for a sign cause I'm tired of making fucking mistakes.
This doesn't feel right,
Not like putting your shirt on inside out...
Where you can still kind of wear it in public and get away with the mess up.
This is more
like your shoe being on the wrong foot:
My natural balance is off
and
I can't fake that this shoe fits well, so I'm walking around impaired.
And everyone can see.
But when it comes to my me and my life,
no one's really paying attention.
There's not much left in my heart
and
there's lightening in my brain.
I'm gonna go pray.
Later Days, Longer Nights
Yesterday, I really thought about what would be the quickest way to leave
I don't own any bullets, but I pass by a lot of gun shops
Yesterday was a real blow to my future plans, plans that
I didn't even make yet
And I lost it
That's easy to do here
America, the land of one chance.
Things got worse and due to what's coming, my life will be altered for a very long time
There's no fighting this one
I keep doing shit that makes me hate myself and
when things are going smooth and I got it under control,
that curve ball comes around the bend and strikes me in the throat.
Compared to my friends, at times it feels like my life is infinitely worse.
When things go wrong or good, I call them....not my actual blood family.
Not cause I don't want to, I just can't really talk to them.
It adds to why I feel so alone.
Everything changed yesterday...right before I left work.
I don't want to do something I can't come back from, so I called my friend and just vented.
I thought about it all night, stressed over it
Then today I woke up and grounded myself
Worst:
noun
the most serious or unpleasant thing that could happen.
Worse:
