chō

It's so early but I have an exam in a couple of hours
Last minute cram session

Everyone is talking about my hometown
Facebook activists, The Rock, Ray Lewis, CNN

But I'm here

I checked on my family and most of them are doing okay
Except, of course, mum
I have no idea why she doesn't tell me things until it's way past fine
In the opposite direction of good

Now she's on my mind
And once again, I can't fix our problems in a second like I want,
But I'll settle for baby steps regardless
_________________________________________________

On the bus ride back, I had a weird thought about my purpose on Earth, or at least one of them...
I think I was put here to destroy to certain degree
To create at a higher rate
Then It hit me that
Whereas some people would think
Creating > Destruction
I find it's a little less complex
Creating = Destroying

Later Days, Longer Nights (shit, I'm back in America)

Holy Shit

I needed that trip

I learned so much

Like, the Earth is infected with us, humans

I am just a lent strand on this huge planet

There's so many people and possibilities
It shocked my energy reserves, I'm good for another century

I went out on the streets of London and experienced/ate/breathed/seen so many amazing things

I've seen how we, speaking as an African American, should be treated and talked to

I have a hunger to go to more places now, I can't just stay in America forever

We have some things right here, but it's so dirty and I'm rambling

There's too much I want to say, but it doesn't need to be told
Just go out there
And by there, I mean everywhere

I wanted to share that experience with someone like my friend shared it with me
I wanna share London with everyone

Later Days, Longer Nights

Next Week!

Yeah, so whoever you are,
I'm going to London next week for adventure, pub crawls, good people, and spiritual cleansing.
I won't be posting, so go outside and get some sun,
You look so pale.

Later Days, Longer England Nights 

Carthasis is my Likert Scale

Anything can change.
Fuck Science, Physics, and all those other subjects I didn't study because they were hard

Nothing is concrete
And with that belief hardwired into my DNA
I firmly go forth in this life with the belief, idea, and spirit that
Anything goes
Up is down, down is diagonal, and I am not the same person I was when I was
17, 21 or even
last week

This is a sadness I chose
Some people don't think things/people can change and that is the flaw in my belief
When it clashes with another
That is a scenario/sadness that I have to live with
Everything has a weakness, so this is my own
And with that declaration, I have to stop pulling punches with myself
Especially on here, this open, blank space that I can fill up with text, images, whatever I want
I haven't lied one bit, but I have held back

I am sad because The Girl that I want doesn't want to be with me anymore
There's other shit I can add in, but what's the point? That's the root
The root is fact
I've heard so much shit from everyone and it's all conflicting at this point
"I don't think she was the one for you anyway"
"Get over her, go fuck something"
"Give her time to think, she may come back"
"Wow, really Dominick? You messed up"

Large part of me wants to keep fighting
Equally large part doesn't want to fight because then it will definitely piss her off

I am screwed up, sensitive, energetic, and so fucking hopeful it kills me
Regardless of what I want to do and what I don't, I only see what is
I'm getting everything I deserve
And she? Well, she is... I don't know
Having a good time, recovering, thinking about the future
Being happy? I can't say
Whatever it is, it's better than what she was when we were together

I'm not sure I would step into the time machine
Ya know, when you with someone and you say "I just want you to be happy, no matter what"
I wouldn't change what I said
She'll be happy
She's going to be happy without me
Do I want that? Yeah, overall

I haven't been running away
I've been numbing myself to that "overall" part
Cause overall isn't 100%, which I don't like
It's selfish and in part, the piece from which my hope keeps materializing
But the "yeah" part is worth it and weighs more, it symbolizes her ultimate happiness in the end
The main goal from the moment I met her, not literally the first time
I mean the "first time"
That moment akin to when you realize someone is your best friend
When you hanging out or in some trouble or anything and it clicks in your head
"Yo, I want the best for this nigga. They hold me down"

I have no problem beating myself up or discarding my pride usually until The Girl
As I write this out, everything is coming together and as you, the reader, I want you to respect this
Nothing's premeditated at this exact moment I'm writing this but
I'm not the best for her. Never would I have thought I'd say that about myself...
It's so easier to point from an objective view, if you don't care
And as I said earlier, everything is clicking as I'm typing
Probably been writing this post for the past 30 minutes, jumping from block to block, out of order and
It's 4:37pm over here
I may not have ever truly cared for her more than I have right now

I am not the best boyfriend/husband/soul mate/partner for The Girl ...
fuck it,
for Chanel.
I'm saying this to myself first and whoever you are second.
People stay bitter and angry in these situations when they think the person left them to obtain better,
Always thinking of themselves as that better.
Well, I know what I was gonna do if I got my second chance, but I didn't and she can only base who
I was off what I had done and she came to the conclusion that I wasn't the best for her.
I can't totally obliterate the part of me that says I was, but I can acknowledge right now that maybe I'm not good at all for her.
Should've known that was the case when my heart would drop and I'd hold my breath at the sight
Of whatever new picture she posted of herself on Facebook and Instagram.
It still happens to me now.
Should've known she was too bright.

I've been [ DISCLOSED ] by myself and [ CONFIDENTIAL ] way too much [ CLASSIFIED ]
I may never pass a physical at this point (just a joke to level out all this heavy stuff)

Things may change, yet they may not
I opt to put my faith in what I do, yet my faith may prove useless
So fuck my faith, its the selfish "overall"
I may not be able to fall into it a 100%, but I need to let the "yeah" take over

shit, I can't finish, my supervisor just handed me work...I been here for about a hour and a half and now she decides to hand me work, whatever..

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Greatest Thing I Ever Wrote For Nothing

Dear [ NOTHING ],

Hey. As you can see this was postmarked on March 2^nd, so anything could’ve happened since then, but I decided to write today because I felt really low last night. I’ve had nothing but time to analyze everything since our time apart and its been interesting…we both got to focus and build on ourselves. You already know that I’ve been learning how to be patient, as a friend and more…how to prepare for the future and not be afraid of it. Due to this time, some exciting opportunities in my life have arisen and I can’t wait for what’s next. I decided to write to you because text and Facebook chats are cool and all, but they are brief, no matter the character limit. I could’ve said this as well, but It wouldn’t be so organized and thorough. Plus, I don’t even know what you think of when you see my name pop up on your phone. I’m not sure if you’re just being polite when you reply to my text, so I thought this would be best because I’m on a deadline and I know it, but back to that later.

Personally, I’ve gone though some post-relationship phases that I haven’t had to face before. They’ve been ugly, angry, content, & more, but I settled on the truth finally. In January, I tried to fool myself with loud banging music, carrying a message that basically said, “Fuck bitches.” I tried, I tried hard. You called me around then, I think I was at drill, and I showed my ass, ushering you off the phone with my trademark tongue. Then I called you back and talked about how I needed to get you out my system. You agreed and we parted ways. I tried really hard to live that life. It was a lie. When it was over, I realized that I didn’t want to look past my pain and recognize that you were really hurt, not a quick type of ache either…I had caused you pain that stacked on top of each other for a long time.  I got back to my senses and became content with what was. I was feeling rather cocky, so I sent you a text…I can’t remember when it was around, but we talked so easy that day. We hadn’t spoken like that in a while either. I tried the friend route and it was going good. Then I screwed it up with a comment about how I smoked and you “invaded my trip”. I was trying to be slick, but honest. I wanted to say that I thought of you, but didn’t want to come off sappy, or as we’ve come to label it, “heavy”. You didn’t reply the way I wanted and at that time, patience was still a pest to me. I was stupid to think that a dumb, small comment like that would have you look at me in a different light, considering what I had done. I didn’t know how to slow down, so I crashed, exploded with my emotions and alienated you again once more. I didn’t know exactly where your head was in regards to me, but I felt like it wasn’t good. 

 Around February 22^nd, I caught a second wind. I was looking at the portrait (?) that hangs over my bed and I started to think, reflect. I thought about how I’m always going against some Goliath of a problem. When I met you, I was always positive, even though I complained, I ran in front of nearly every bullet, knowing I was going to win. I get knocked down a lot, but I knew that those things could happen, so I just got back up and kept moving. I think that’s something you liked about me. When you I met you, I told you everything and you either offered advice for what you could or offered words that help a person carry on. I don’t think I knew I needed that. I mean I knew I could tell myself that, but it’s different when it comes from someone else you trust because they see something in you that you can’t.  As time progressed, we did too in some areas, but in some I didn’t. This move to Philly was really the nail in the coffin. So much stuff has happened here and instead of getting up after being knocked down, I started to stay down. I ran away to alcohol and music and city lights and the temporary and the idiotic. I ran away to all that when I should’ve ran to you. Even worse, when I complained and you offered advice, I didn’t take it the way I used to. Every time you extended your hand to me to help me, I spat in it. You’d apologize and I’d rant about how I don’t believe in apologies. That was the dumbest habit I could’ve ever set on. Then when we’d see each other, and I let the pettiness of the human heart turn a small incident into something large. Us meeting was always the pinnacle moment of the month, a chance to be a normal couple and be with each other, no matter how brief the weekend was. I’m ashamed. I devolved further into my stress and my problems and I started to do more than just spit. Positivity became negative, and one of the things I adored most about us, how different we were, I used as a weapon. You were the only person that close to me for it to have been so effective. I don’t know why I thought I was invincible. I treated you like you wouldn’t leave, like you couldn’t. I’m ashamed. You were my best friend and I half-assed that aspect of the relationship. I’m still ashamed. We were a great team and I let you down so much. And when that started to happen, you noticed and took a mental note and probably wrote it on one of those lists you like to make (not a jab).

So, I’m catching this second wind on the 22^nd and I let everything sink in, answering questions of “Why did this happen?”, “Did I deserve this?”, “Did she deserve this?”, etc. and it all sunk in, forming out. The result wasn’t a sad realization or a pity party. When it all settled, I only had one clear thought, like a bright “YES” in my brain. I cocked my head back and exhaled, “I fucking love Chanel Cooper. Dammit.” It was so calm that it was weird as hell if you anyone saw it. From then on, my resolve had hardened and I knew this would be hard. No fancy metaphors, just hard, bordering impossible. I can’t run in front of every bullet anymore, but I will for this.

I’ve left you alone so many times and let my stress take aim, shooting it at you. Besides that, I had insecurities boiling in me that you didn’t even know about. I was jealous of you, not in a hatred type of way, but in a competitive sense; jealous that you were graduating on time and starting life before me. I wanted us to do it at the same time, so we could both go to each other’s graduation party and feel that success amongst friends and family. I felt like a dolt explaining to your aunts, uncles, and cousins about how I had an extra year left. Felt like I failed before I even tried, but I knew that wasn’t the case. Then that jealousy turned to fear because I started to doubt whether I could give you all the things you could ever want. I stayed down and thought of myself as less, when I should’ve took that thought and used it as drive to become more. I’m ashamed. Plus, we never really hashed out what would happen after graduation. We pushed off the details time after time, but I got freaked out because there wasn’t a plan. I figured that no plan meant it wasn’t going to happen. By this time of thought, on the 22^nd, I had to ask myself why I wanted you as my girlfriend and I never really asked myself that before so formally. I always told you why I liked you, but I don’t think I ever thought about why I wanted you in my life with that title. I didn’t even have to think about it too much… it was one of those things that you always have in your head, but it’s different when it’s said aloud. I wasn’t with you to just pass the time. This feels like the part where I’m definitely setting myself up for one helluvah reply, but I was with you for the future. I have many goals and dreams which include money and other stuff. I know I’m going to be rich and I want to travel and all, but when we used to talk about the future, that really had me. I remember how I used to shy away from it when you first bought it up, but then I started contributing and even when we had that recent conversation about who was going to cook if we both came home a little late, I thought it was funny and delightful because we had talked about minute details like that. I know we ended that topic off slightly badly, but I left with a smile on my face that you couldn’t see. That was a dream of my own, you and a world we would finally get to create. From talking to you, it feels like we both haven’t had any chances to finally take things into our own hands and create a path that we want to take, everything is predetermined or dictated to us from someone else. The time to finally do what we want, together, was so ideal. Even now, I miss sharing things together, whether they are new or old. It was perfection in the works. Although I tend to be upfront about how I feel sometimes, I am afraid of coming off too emotional to you. I think you like those strong, burly types that can withstand the world thrown at them, those guys who are a bit emotional, but not sensitive. I think sometimes I am sensitive and I hate it, so I try to fight it with sarcastic comments or apathy. Since our time apart, I’ve been dealing with that, Gary been helping me with it, but I digress…

I wrote this because it feels like my last shot. Whenever I contact you, it feels like you don’t even want to speak and I get paranoid and overthink already. If what I think is true, then it’s true, but even without that, this feels like my last shot because of graduation. After May, as you said, you’re in the breeze.

I can’t change anything that I did and I’m over promises that yielded no growth, no commitment, and no change. I remember how every time I get off the phone with Aunt Joy and she’d tell me to “Be good”. I always replied with “I’ll try” and she’d huff and say “Don’t try, just do.” I blew that off for years and I don’t know why I did that, because that’s who I am to my core. I don’t want to try with you anymore, I just want to do it. I want to do it not because it’s the right thing to do, but because it’s right by you. These parties and negative moments don’t do shit and won’t ever add to anything. Those moments when I find out a tidbit about your past or what new haircare product you want to try, those add up. Those times when we’re in front of each other getting facetime with the use of Skype and the periods when we finally meet each other and get to hang out like a normal couple, those are worth everything. I talked to God about you and asked qualified people about what to do in this situation and the answers were all the same really. I ended up taking no advice since this has to come from me. I got crazy responses saying I should do some grand gesture and someone even said buy her a puppy and none of that stuff felt right. You feel and think at the same time, no romantic gesture will move your opinion, only honesty. I’m only open when I say this is the first time I’ve ever done this and with knowing that, I feel I may have caused irreversible damage. I can’t go back, only plan forward. I’m prepared for whatever happens after you read this because it’s the only choice I have. I want you to know that I’m sorry for making you feel unwanted and unloved. I’m sorry for every single time I left you alone and did you wrong. I’m sorry for making you cry on the inside and out. I’m sorry for not respecting your pain these past months. I let you down, I let us down and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

I know we can’t jump back into a relationship, from what I understand you’re hurt and I don’t even know if you can love again, but perhaps we can start over. I’m willing to take it one day at a time to something new between us for however long you’ll allow; I’ll stand in line with all your other potential suitors just for one more chance. Just think about it, that’s all I can ask of you.

I love you [ NOTHING ], but c’mon, I’m pretty sure you knew that.

-D.T.H.

_____________________________________________________________________

 This isn't the final draft I sent out, but you get the gist

This has been what's wrong with me

Not the text I received after this was read or the phone call I made that buried me deeper

It's this

This was me on my knees in a Catholic Church

With a Baptist priest in the confessional booth

Letting it all out

As best as I knew

As precise and focused as I knew

I've read this so many times

Trying to figure out what I could've taken out 

Or put in 

 Punctuation and other words

Grammatical options 

That would've made the outcome better

But I know

A part of me knows

Proofreading wouldn't have made a difference
Catharsis

The Greatest Thing I Ever Wrote For Nothing  

 

 

About Last Last Night,

I tend to get down at the times, more so random than planned

As soon as I shutdown my computer, my mind got to work, fighting off that mood

It's a routine, one that usually doesn't get this far into the physical realm.

There's no apologies to be given nor had this time around folks

I think its okay to feel sad sometimes, just don't be sad

Yes, there is a difference

I get there, but I never stay

Gotta go up

The Pensieve

I'm not 100% sure where my head is tonight.I really need help."The Man Who Sold The World" keeps playing in my sleep.I don't know what to call it if you don't dream, but still have dream-like events occur when you sleep.No dreaming, just a single song.That's been happening lately among other things.I really need some help but I've said that so many times that people dismiss it as just a rough patch that I'll overcome.This isn't that lately.I've been taking up foreign habits.I'm so ashamed, I won't/can't even write them out.So reversed.I have no clue why I'm even writing more now.Just noticed I've been on a post-a-day streak.No idea why.I'm so sorry that we are alone.This isn't a poem or scattered thoughts tonight.I've said sorry so much that the words carry no weight but what else can I say?I want to do, but I don't get that.I meant it all and now we are so alone.So many little details left like rocks unturned.I can feel people who read this laughing at me.Russia, Australia, US.Go on and laugh.I can't talk like this to a single person anymore, so whatever space I can carve to get this shit out of my head, I'll take.I really wish I could play with Madison right now.My door is always closed.I don't say much.Tried my best and didn't succeed.There's this lock in me, I want to be so happy and I can feel it in me, but there's a lock on it and it won't break.I can feel it, I can see it filling me up, but It isn't.Once whoever you are finishes this block of words, it won't matter by then.

Pop Culture & Other Random Things

The Avengers is playing on FX
Fuck

I'm in the grocery store, hungry for a snack, pick up Wheat Thins, Sundried Tomato Basil
Fuck

I'm scrolling through my OnDemand and I see Key and Peele
Fuck

It's time to go, Vans or black chucks?
Fuck

Well, I need to put on socks first anyway...ankle socks with a soft pink line at the foot...
C'mon

I walk past the MAC store in the mall and Rihanna is playing
Fuck

The ticket stub from the Kente ceremony falls from my shelf, pushed by the ghostly hand of cruel fate
Cackling
Fuck

Old letters, pictures on my hard drive, personalized dog tags, movie stubs, gym bottle, Arnold Palmers, Songs singing lyrics with another meaning than what was meant

My castle is under siege  
I know it's mad, but I won't part with a single thing

I'm hurting. She's hurt. We're all injured.
I can unravel myself like a shabby tourniquet, yet the damage is done.
Still missing her too much.

Later Days, Longer Nights

There's Something About Maddy

This feels so weird.
This post is currently being written while I'm at work.
My supervisor is right behind me and I already at my lunch too soon.
Sundays right?

This past weekend I went back home.
Finally went out for a change and saw old friends, reveled in the aimless night.

Saturday, I went to my baby cousin's first birthday party.
Madison was dressed like the little pink princess she is and the party, well...
I know a lot about parties and I can firmly say that Madison's had all the fixings:

Petting zoo (with the cutest baby pigs)
Chick Fil A platters (all 10 sandwiches, 15 wraps, and 100 chicken nuggets were gone in less than a hour)
Family, friends

and best of all

The fucking cake was adorable.

We of course took all the pictures our smartphone batteries would allow us and caught up for a chance.
Even my mum (albeit late as ever) was there.
I had a great time.

But I gotta get to my point,
while I was holding Madison and playing with her, I finally knew what I wanted to do in life.
Well, realized one of the things I wanted to do.

I used to hate kids so much. I think it was in part to my other little cousin who is a bit more on the..."rough" side due to his parents.
I love him just as much as I do Madison, but there's something about Maddy.

She took my hat off and dribbled on it.
Stuck her tongue out with mine and made scary faces like we rehearsed a routine
Even when she was being held by someone else or crawling around on the carpet floor,
we would lock eyes and she'd smile.
That little girl can melt the coldest of hearts.
She'd smile at me like she knew all the good I wanted to do.
She smiled at me like she was some divine emissary sent to let me know that I've been forgiven for my wrongs.

I don't know how things will turn out.
I know how I would like them to, but no one can ever know if their dreams will come to fruition.
I have no fucking clue what's next,
and that's pretty fine with me.

One day (in a future way off from this present) I'm going to be an awesome dad with a little girl and little boy.
Madison will come over and feel my kids smile at them like she did to me.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Chea

And then it happened.

Sitting in my night class, thumbing through pages of notes and doodles,
this bright, blast of pure bliss grabbed me by neck, plunging me into a tropical sea, headfirst.

My cheekbones were raised,
wide grin exposed to the world.
I could feel my conscience rising high above myself,
for my conscience knew my body was nothing more than a fragile vessel for the soul.
To the sky I allowed my heart to fly, problems melting away to specks of sand.
There is a star inside of me.
This single thought had single-handedly made the entire day of wasting away at work worth it.

Well, to be fair...it was more than a thought, more akin to a remainder...

I remembered I had pizza left over from last night.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Finding My Voice

I wish I picked up a poetry or creative writing class.

Developing a voice while writing is hard.
Sometimes I feel like I got it then I think I lose it.

I gotta get back to just writing my thoughts in a poetic fashion.
I'm making this shit too easy for you to understand.
Whoever you are.

I watched John Dies At The End again and dear goodness...
Need to buy that book again and keep it.
I do this dumb thing where if I buy a book from Barnes and Noble, I'll return it after I finish reading it.

Textbooks from University have left me jaded.

But where was I? Oh yeah, so the movie was on and I thought about parts from the book they cut out and
it was one scene in particular that was very scary...scary cause it's real...real cause this is a perfect example of what the author was talking about.

You, whoever you are, don't even know what I look like.
You can only make up my image from what you think and read.
And as you stare at me, unknowing, I look back at you, unaware.
This thing is a mirror to me. A radio series to you.

And you, whoever you are, who do know what I look like, who know who I am, whose curiosity/boredom has you running your mouse to the link that takes you to these channel,
well...
it's different.
You stare at me, quietly and knowledgeable. I look back at you, clueless.
This thing is a mirror to me. Commentary to you.


Later Days, Longer Nights

I Meant To Say This Too

This came to me a couple days ago:

I believe people can change.
I have absolute faith in it.

This can happen because its an aspect of the mind.

I think that if you can simply change someone's mind, then people can change themselves.

An opinion, belief, habit, all that is nothing more than someone set in a mindset.
They do this thing or believe this thing, but its not stone.
An opinion, belief, etc. is malleable, flexible yet rigid, but still able to change.

I may not have gotten the shot/forgiveness/start over that I wanted,
but I'm still going to change for the better.
I know what bad looks and feels like.
I know what it feels like to love and yearn and let go and lose large amounts of hope, but never all of it.
I'm going to go up and change from a boy who ran away from home filled with angst into a man who has it under control, a man who looks chaos in the eye and doesn't flinch.
Never again will I mistake what I have with what I hate, especially if the confusion is due to external sources.
I'm not a boy anymore, not a man either, and I must admit this transitional period where I have remnants of both of those stages has contributed to outbursts of emotion and bad decisions...
Outbursts that will even out to eternal passion.
Bad decisions that will still yield rewards for myself, bad decisions that will certainly number in the few compared to good ones. 

These past few months have been so tough. 
People can change. Time changes. Change changes.
The word "change" is getting ugly to type.
I've been in a box before. I'm not meant for that shit.
I stretch and warp and yeah, may go bad a little bit,
yet once I get conscious to my harm, I always get better.
Thats the mantra.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Chasing Strange

Gary wants me to join Tinder.
He thinks I should nut up and move on, like he has.
Tells me that we need to hit the town like we used to,
we need to explore and meet people he says.

I should throw myself into the raging waters of mystery because
(as all the women in my family are contracted to say)
"You are a handsome young man and any girl would be lucky to have you."

But I've seen what he has been doing, I've seen a preview of the dating scene.
It's uglier than Lark Voorhies going down on a limp dick Hugh Hefner.

I know I can only use a handful of blog entries to complain about this situation, but cut me some slack folks..
I have nowhere else to go with this. There's my head and here.
Everything keeps replaying and its not just the good memories, that's how I know I wanted to save it:
Bad times, good ones...I weighed them all in together and saw that the relationship was worth saving

When I get bad, I get bad. Times were tough for me and I fixed myself from that.
It was still too late though.

I haven't been out this year except for about 3 times max. I was training myself to stay in, to stay up late, to do the things that I should've
and I didn't get the chance I wanted.
Lost all my shots. 
So for him to ask me to do the opposite, gotta understand why I'm not as hype to go into that scene.
That and...

I'm an idiot. I know I'm an idiot.
I have hope. I'm an idiot, I know.
Rian said it. Gary said it.
But the latter said to me something that I know will eat up that last speck of hope:
"When you see a picture of her with another guy, you're going to wish you moved on first. I know you Dominick, you're going to be someone I ain't seen in a minute."

I learn late already.
Does it count as late if I consider the multiple scenarios I'm allowing myself to be screwed over by?
Not too sure.

Between mystery and history, I need the latter.
Home was home. I'm homeless.

Later Days, Longer Nights