Dear [ NOTHING ],
Hey. As you can see this was
postmarked on March 2nd, so anything could’ve happened since then,
but I decided to write today because I felt really low last night. I’ve had
nothing but time to analyze everything since our time apart and its been
interesting…we both got to focus and build on ourselves. You already know that
I’ve been learning how to be patient, as a friend and more…how to prepare for
the future and not be afraid of it. Due to this time, some exciting
opportunities in my life have arisen and I can’t wait for what’s next. I
decided to write to you because text and Facebook chats are cool and all, but
they are brief, no matter the character limit. I could’ve said this as well,
but It wouldn’t be so organized and thorough. Plus, I don’t even know what you
think of when you see my name pop up on your phone. I’m not sure if you’re just
being polite when you reply to my text, so I thought this would be best because
I’m on a deadline and I know it, but back to that later.
Personally, I’ve gone though some
post-relationship phases that I haven’t had to face before. They’ve been ugly,
angry, content, & more, but I settled on the truth finally. In January, I
tried to fool myself with loud banging music, carrying a message that basically
said, “Fuck bitches.” I tried, I tried hard. You called me around then, I think
I was at drill, and I showed my ass, ushering you off the phone with my
trademark tongue. Then I called you back and talked about how I needed to get
you out my system. You agreed and we parted ways. I tried really hard to live
that life. It was a lie. When it was over, I realized that I didn’t want to
look past my pain and recognize that you were really hurt, not a quick type of
ache either…I had caused you pain that stacked on top of each other for a long
time. I got back to my senses and became
content with what was. I was feeling rather cocky, so I sent you a text…I can’t
remember when it was around, but we talked so easy that day. We hadn’t spoken
like that in a while either. I tried the friend route and it was going good.
Then I screwed it up with a comment about how I smoked and you “invaded my
trip”. I was trying to be slick, but honest. I wanted to say that I thought of
you, but didn’t want to come off sappy, or as we’ve come to label it, “heavy”.
You didn’t reply the way I wanted and at that time, patience was still a pest
to me. I was stupid to think that a dumb, small comment like that would have
you look at me in a different light, considering what I had done. I didn’t know
how to slow down, so I crashed, exploded with my emotions and alienated you
again once more. I didn’t know exactly where your head was in regards to me,
but I felt like it wasn’t good.
Around February 22nd, I caught a
second wind. I was looking at the portrait (?) that hangs over my bed and I
started to think, reflect. I thought about how I’m always going against some
Goliath of a problem. When I met you, I was always positive, even though I
complained, I ran in front of nearly every bullet, knowing I was going to win.
I get knocked down a lot, but I knew that those things could happen, so I just
got back up and kept moving. I think that’s something you liked about me. When
you I met you, I told you everything and you either offered advice for what you
could or offered words that help a person carry on. I don’t think I knew I
needed that. I mean I knew I could tell myself that, but it’s different when it
comes from someone else you trust because they see something in you that you
can’t. As time progressed, we did too in
some areas, but in some I didn’t. This move to Philly was really the nail in
the coffin. So much stuff has happened here and instead of getting up after
being knocked down, I started to stay down. I ran away to alcohol and music and
city lights and the temporary and the idiotic. I ran away to all that when I
should’ve ran to you. Even worse, when I complained and you offered advice, I
didn’t take it the way I used to. Every time you extended your hand to me to
help me, I spat in it. You’d apologize and I’d rant about how I don’t believe
in apologies. That was the dumbest habit I could’ve ever set on. Then when we’d
see each other, and I let the pettiness of the human heart turn a small
incident into something large. Us meeting was always the pinnacle moment of the
month, a chance to be a normal couple and be with each other, no matter how
brief the weekend was. I’m ashamed. I devolved further into my stress and my
problems and I started to do more than just spit. Positivity became negative,
and one of the things I adored most about us, how different we were, I used as
a weapon. You were the only person that close to me for it to have been so
effective. I don’t know why I thought I was invincible. I treated you like you
wouldn’t leave, like you couldn’t. I’m ashamed. You were my best friend and I
half-assed that aspect of the relationship. I’m still ashamed. We were a great
team and I let you down so much. And when that started to happen, you noticed
and took a mental note and probably wrote it on one of those lists you like to
make (not a jab).
So, I’m catching this second wind
on the 22nd and I let everything sink in, answering questions of
“Why did this happen?”, “Did I deserve this?”, “Did she deserve this?”, etc.
and it all sunk in, forming out. The result wasn’t a sad realization or a pity
party. When it all settled, I only had one clear thought, like a bright “YES”
in my brain. I cocked my head back and exhaled, “I fucking love Chanel Cooper.
Dammit.” It was so calm that it was weird as hell if you anyone saw it. From
then on, my resolve had hardened and I knew this would be hard. No fancy
metaphors, just hard, bordering impossible. I can’t run in front of every
bullet anymore, but I will for this.
I’ve left you alone so many times
and let my stress take aim, shooting it at you. Besides that, I had
insecurities boiling in me that you didn’t even know about. I was jealous of
you, not in a hatred type of way, but in a competitive sense; jealous that you
were graduating on time and starting life before me. I wanted us to do it at
the same time, so we could both go to each other’s graduation party and feel
that success amongst friends and family. I felt like a dolt explaining to your
aunts, uncles, and cousins about how I had an extra year left. Felt like I
failed before I even tried, but I knew that wasn’t the case. Then that jealousy
turned to fear because I started to doubt whether I could give you all the
things you could ever want. I stayed down and thought of myself as less, when I
should’ve took that thought and used it as drive to become more. I’m ashamed.
Plus, we never really hashed out what would happen after graduation. We pushed
off the details time after time, but I got freaked out because there wasn’t a
plan. I figured that no plan meant it wasn’t going to happen. By this time of
thought, on the 22nd, I had to ask myself why I wanted you as my
girlfriend and I never really asked myself that before so formally. I always
told you why I liked you, but I don’t think I ever thought about why I wanted
you in my life with that title. I didn’t even have to think about it too much…
it was one of those things that you always have in your head, but it’s
different when it’s said aloud. I wasn’t with you to just pass the time. This
feels like the part where I’m definitely setting myself up for one helluvah
reply, but I was with you for the future. I have many goals and dreams which
include money and other stuff. I know I’m going to be rich and I want to travel
and all, but when we used to talk about the future, that really had me. I
remember how I used to shy away from it when you first bought it up, but then I
started contributing and even when we had that recent conversation about who
was going to cook if we both came home a little late, I thought it was funny
and delightful because we had talked about minute details like that. I know we
ended that topic off slightly badly, but I left with a smile on my face that
you couldn’t see. That was a dream of my own, you and a world we would finally
get to create. From talking to you, it feels like we both haven’t had any
chances to finally take things into our own hands and create a path that we
want to take, everything is predetermined or dictated to us from someone else.
The time to finally do what we want, together, was so ideal. Even now, I miss
sharing things together, whether they are new or old. It was perfection in the
works. Although I tend to be upfront about how I feel sometimes, I am afraid of
coming off too emotional to you. I think you like those strong, burly types
that can withstand the world thrown at them, those guys who are a bit
emotional, but not sensitive. I think sometimes I am sensitive and I hate it,
so I try to fight it with sarcastic comments or apathy. Since our time apart, I’ve
been dealing with that, Gary been helping me with it, but I digress…
I wrote this because it feels like
my last shot. Whenever I contact you, it feels like you don’t even want to
speak and I get paranoid and overthink already. If what I think is true, then
it’s true, but even without that, this feels like my last shot because of
graduation. After May, as you said, you’re in the breeze.
I can’t change anything that I did and I’m over
promises that yielded no growth, no commitment, and no change. I remember how
every time I get off the phone with Aunt Joy and she’d tell me to “Be good”. I
always replied with “I’ll try” and she’d huff and say “Don’t try, just do.” I
blew that off for years and I don’t know why I did that, because that’s who I
am to my core. I don’t want to try with you anymore, I just want to do it. I
want to do it not because it’s the right thing to do, but because it’s right by
you. These parties and negative moments don’t do shit and won’t ever add to
anything. Those moments when I find out a tidbit about your past or what new
haircare product you want to try, those add up. Those times when we’re in front
of each other getting facetime with the use of Skype and the periods when we
finally meet each other and get to hang out like a normal couple, those are
worth everything. I talked to God about you and asked qualified people about
what to do in this situation and the answers were all the same really. I ended
up taking no advice since this has to come from me. I got crazy responses
saying I should do some grand gesture and someone even said buy her a puppy and
none of that stuff felt right. You feel and think at the same time, no romantic
gesture will move your opinion, only honesty. I’m only
open when I say this is the first time I’ve ever done this and with knowing
that, I feel I may have caused irreversible damage. I can’t go back, only plan
forward. I’m prepared for whatever happens after you read this because it’s the
only choice I have. I want you to know that I’m sorry for making you feel
unwanted and unloved. I’m sorry for every single time I left you alone and did
you wrong. I’m sorry for making you cry on the inside and out. I’m sorry for
not respecting your pain these past months. I let you down, I let us down and
it was the biggest mistake of my life.
I know we can’t
jump back into a relationship, from what I understand you’re hurt and I don’t
even know if you can love again, but perhaps we can start over. I’m willing to
take it one day at a time to something new between us for however long you’ll
allow; I’ll stand in line with all your other potential suitors just for one
more chance. Just think about it, that’s all I can ask of you.
I love you [ NOTHING ],
but c’mon, I’m pretty sure you knew that.
-D.T.H.
_____________________________________________________________________
This isn't the final draft I sent out, but you get the gist
This has been what's wrong with me
Not the text I received after this was read or the phone call I made that buried me deeper
It's this
This was me on my knees in a Catholic Church
With a Baptist priest in the confessional booth
Letting it all out
As best as I knew
As precise and focused as I knew
I've read this so many times
Trying to figure out what I could've taken out
Or put in
Punctuation and other words
Grammatical options
That would've made the outcome better
But I know
A part of me knows
Proofreading wouldn't have made a difference
Catharsis
Catharsis
The Greatest Thing I Ever Wrote For Nothing
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