Wolves

Nobody misses a wolf when its gone

Unlike the cat
Who comes by when its feeding time
Brushing against your leg to show
feigned affection
Otherwise, it's off doing its own thing
Stares across the room leaping
Up on a counter that it shouldn't

Nobody misses a wolf

Unlike the fish
Who said little to nothing
Staying confined to its space
And maybe, just
Maybe when you pressed your face against the
Glass and it came
 Swimming up to see who noticed it
Today
Perhaps you had a moment
One that was forgotten by the fish in
10 seconds
You?
In 60

No one misses wolves

Unlike a dog
Who may come closest to a wolf
Yet listened to its owner more
It stays around and only asks
For your attention when you're home

Nobody misses wolves

Because they don't belong to anyone
They're smarter than a cat and
Never faking affection
They're more memorable than a fish
And less attainable than a dog

You have to go find a wolf
And maybe it'll let you run with it
Speed off into the forest unknown
And just when you think you know it
You come to find out that you don't know
Shit
About wolves
Pack animals whose heart always lies
With its destined mate
A wolf is never really yours for a long
Time
And that wait is what makes them lethal

They're bad for you

Nobody Misses Wolves


Later Days, Longer Nights

Promise

I was reading a recent Humans of New York post that had a mother with her two sons in the picture

Her caption talked about how she promised her older son that he could take karate lessons and upon discovering the price for such lessons, realized that they were really expensive and more than she could afford at the moment

Despite the price, she said she paid it anyway because she made a commitment to her son and, as quoted, "if I break a promise, I’m teaching them that they can break a promise too. I want them to know that my ‘yes’ means ‘yes,’ and my ‘no’ means ‘no' ".

That struck a cord in me, 
a cord that sung a tune,
a tune in time to a memory.

I remember the first promise my mother ever broke to me. 
The first one that I noticed anyway.

It was 2003 and the movie Daredevil had been released in theaters. 

Although I'm a huge Marvel fan, I don't really care for Daredevil in all honesty.
I can't recall what made me want to see the movie, but 10 year old pre-pubescent Dominick didn't need a reason,
all he needed was a ride and an escort because the flick was PG-13.

At that time, my mum was my best friend. 
I was in 5th grade and didn't hangout with other kids at all.
My mum was either at home or at work, so she'd buy me videogames and keep the cable subscription on while she was away so I'd have company.
When she was home, she was my company.
Not to say that she played with me and my toys or even grabbed an extra controller to battle me in Super Smash Brothers,
but her presence was never overlooked when she was around.
It was either just me or her and me.

So, I asked her if we could go see Daredevil and she said "Yes, I promise we'll go" without restraint.
I remember being so fucking happy.
A movie with my mum. Priceless.

Except that date was never made.
I asked her countless more times after the first and she always said yes, 
yet we never got into the car to go.

The first in a series of promises that were broken.
They became a little more complex as I got older, especially when I was 12 and one of the biggest crutches of my life occurred.

"I promise I'll leave some food in the house for you. I promise I'll leave the key under the door. I'll be at your baseball game, I promise. I promise he'll stop hitting you. I believe you, I promise. I promise.I promise."

So when I read that caption and see what she tries to prevent being said so easily,
I see that I am a product of broken promises. As a child and young adult.

*AUTHOR'S NOTE: Look guys, I know the past few months every post I've written has tied back to me and my ex in some fashion, but this is where my head is for the moment.
It'll all come to pass, like everything else I've faced, so please bear with me.*

I broke countless promises to my ex and my own mother.
Other people as well, but they were the main ladies in my life.

It wasn't okay at all when I did it and now, when looking back, it's worse to think that I did that.
When my mum made me a promise or commitment and broke it, there was never any backlash.
I may have hit her with "But you said you would" a few times, but she was the adult, the parent...
My words may have held her accountable, but in the end, she did what the fuck she wanted cause she ran the household.
It obviously never ate her up and there were only rare moments where she made it up to me.
I did the same thing right to the T. Being so used to people breaking promises to me, I lost the value of that word and what it meant.

This post isn't built to blame my mum, I made a conscious decision each time to renege on what I said I'd do.
This post is only a detailed "Eureka" moment written out. 

I'm a 22 year old engineered promise breaker now.
And now I know, so reprogramming will be occurring.

And that picture was only placed yesterday....I got a lot of work to do.

Later Days, Longer Nights 


 

Cloud Red

Pretty sure I'm a guy on an island
Surrounded by an advanced metropolis
Still, I seclude myself to this island
Chipping away the outer shell of a coconut and using a sharpened stick to catch fish
While people across from me are microwaving 4 course meals
Watching television in 4-D
Kids hop on their hoverboards and glide

Pretty sure I'd look at the Mona Lisa and not feel an ounce of nostalgia
Listen to Sinatra and not move an inch
But I do smile when I see the sun
For it'll outlast most of us
It's my favorite star

I am far too young to die
and with that knowledge, I don't know If I'm living life fast to catch up or
get ahead.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Yeah. So.

I should've died already.

I've been drinking and realized I should've died by now.

The world I live in is broken beyond repair.

That's from S.C. to her, seeing someone else already

I was suppose to keep it G but sometimes I don't

Whatever

I should be dead but im not

I don't wanna die

I haven't ran from a fight and I won't start now.

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Type

I don't know if I'm moving fast to get ahead or catch up

The kind who fears the future, yet still takes it head on
I,
see it's a mixture.
Not a need or a want,
a little bit of both.
I want to talk to you
and it feels like our friendship is
aggressive closure.

She might know.

I'm the type of pussy who doesn't want to say the wrong thing
to her.
I plan what comes out my mouth.
I calculate the day and time I text her,
I don't wanna interfere, I don't wanna
interfere at all.
The type of pussy that sold the world,
if the world was a girl.
I need to get back and I can't I cant.

I looked into selling my soul until I
decided it'd be best to keep writing poems,
describing everything I'd say
if a miracle occurred.

She's burnt out and looking ahead.
"We had a good run"
"I did this for me"
But we got more in us baby, more that
I'm willing to go for.

I love her so much that I'd change,
even though that's opposite of the cliche'.
And I have no clue why someone does what's needed
once it's too late.

The type who doesn't call her to say all this where she can hear
my voice,
putting it all on the line as many times as he can.
No, I'm the type who writes what should be said
here.


Later Days , Longer Nights

Maurice

I can't even write this
My friend, he risked it all.
Waited his time, played a game and now, just fuck man

I gotta think about things

Me

I don't wanna talk about me tonight

I'd talk about you, but since I cant code, you're back to being the United States, Brazil, China, etc.



Sometime life feels like Heaven and more so than not,

Everything will work out

I try to pray everyday and feel it when I'm walking

Where I am and where I wanna go

Lord knows how it'll unfold

Ok I didn't wanna do this but I got to in order to advance this post

-------

Last week or so, I was walking back home from work.
It's 9pm and pouring out.
Rains hitting my face and I'm drenched, feeling like shit
 Thinking of shit, the shit I'm in

I wanted to feel so bad
Couldn't
The greater gears of the outerworld working in me
Cause I knew things may be bad in these seconds
Yet they are mostly good
----------

I want to be a monster so bad
I want to be a bad person so I'll have an excuse
Have an excuse, one that I can own the shit out of

But I can't play that card
Its not even in my deck
And as I let my mind go so far off this website, computer,
this space
I'll end here

Lord knows what I pray for nearly everyday

Later Days, Longer Nights

Vertigo

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Hate That Shit

Empathy

noun

noun: empathy

1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

   
   

   
   

   Empathy is a good thing naturally. Being able to understand another person's emotional state or situation is completely necessary to being human. Granted, even with all that, I hate that shit.

   
   

   
   

   Well, I hate how I use it. If someone is upset with me, I'm usually the one to take the blind plunge into empathy with the other person.

   "Look I get it..." is how the process starts.

   "Am I right?" is how it ends.

   
   

   It doesn't matter if my assumption was correct or not, there's only so many times someone can do that before it loses its latent charm and even its effectiveness. At an objective glance, it minimizes the person's feelings, leading it to a state of categorizing that no one wants to experience.

    

   In its initial use, I think its an awesome tool because it displays that you can be empathetic and depending how good you are at summing up your interpretation of what the other person is going through, it also shows how good you are as well.

    

   I'm so good at it. I've reflected on my use of it and I've come to the conclusion that....

    

   I hate that shit.

    

   I used to do it to my ex all the time and I still catch myself doing it, last night being a prime example. Sometimes, people need to vent and have their feelings come across as new and unheard, not rehashed and paraphrased by someone, especially if that person is the one causing the ill feelings!

   
   

   I let my hair grow out and cut a lot of carbs out my diet.

   Perhaps these things are taking me on a path towards enlightenment.

   I miss french fries though.

    

   Later Days, Longer Nights

Fucked For Life

It's a story I wish I didn't have to live
One I prefer to hear from someone else
But I guess it's a blessing in some sense, so whatever

Today I read a post one of my old VA friends shared on her Facebook titled
"10 Ways Children Who Grew Up With A Single Parent Love Differently"
I'll post the link at the bottom of this if you're interested

At first sight, I was going to chalk the article up to one of those generalized posts I've seen around
The ones that say "7 Ways To Know If Your Boyfriend Is The One" or "What your sign says about you!"

I particularly hate generalized posts
Especially astrology ones
They tend to highlight activities or attributes one carry due to a specific date you were born
Of course neglecting to add in the negative qualities of one's sign

In addition to that, they're pure malarkey

Back to generalized posts....
Yeah, they suck
You can't bottle up situations or scenarios into a list
No matter the length

I started reading the "10 ways" with obvious disdain, yet walked away with some enlightenment

Although they vary in degrees of relating to me fully, every single item on that list is a permanent semi-fucked up, semi-adorable quality I exhibit

I remember writing about #2 to some extent last month or so.
Not to say that it has all to do with my single parent history, but I hadn't had a relationship end in a long time, so I never had to test how I felt
When I'm in, I'm all in with someone cause I'm picky as hell and if I say I'm down for you, I am

#5 is a given, I'll do whatever it takes with no help, but don't get me wrong
I'll take help if it'll guarantee a higher chance at success

#6 is half and half....I don't fear rejection, but I do tend to ask what I could've done in order to not be rejected...that one is really a toss up, I'm only scared of clowns forreal

#7, man...
I realized that one on my own in February or so.

The rest are all tied into each other in my opinion, yet all ring true

So with this generalized list making, in my mind, some true assumptions
I see now that I am fucked for life.
Well, maybe not life, but a long time until I work it out

I recognize it's super unfair to put that on a significant, yet as I said earlier...it holds benefits when I jump the gun.
Today, It also hit me that perhaps I do an inverted version of what my dad did to my mum.
From stories I've gathered over the years, I learned that he hurt he my mum in such a way that she never forgave him.
While that sucks, he never came back to say sorry for what he did.
I think that hurt her more.

I can see it in her sometimes when I try to bring it up; some lingering sense that there was business unfinished. She only has to look at me to feel that.
I mess up/ruin/wreck things so easily and I always go back to make amends, if I want to.
Regardless of the damage, I tend to feel that I can fix it once I get back to my senses....

I have no clue when I'll learn that that isn't true all the time, maybe more often than I think.

After you do it so many times, the "sorrys" feel empty no matter how much you mean them.

So, as the article states, I'm predisposed to
1. Not accepting the idea of true love, yet secretly believing in it to the point where I'm waiting for it
2. Taking rejection and abandonment harder than others
3. Working independently
4. Having trust issues that dissolve into a love that dies hard once I trust someone

Fucked for life I am.
Although I will admit, if that's only a short list of the shit I got coming for me, it aint that bad...
aint that bad at all.
I know it's coming, so preparing for it is all I can ask

Later Days, Longer Nights
http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/10-ways-children-who-grew-up-with-a-single-parent-love-differently#.VWuq_YKCoWU.facebook