Fucked For Life

It's a story I wish I didn't have to live
One I prefer to hear from someone else
But I guess it's a blessing in some sense, so whatever

Today I read a post one of my old VA friends shared on her Facebook titled
"10 Ways Children Who Grew Up With A Single Parent Love Differently"
I'll post the link at the bottom of this if you're interested

At first sight, I was going to chalk the article up to one of those generalized posts I've seen around
The ones that say "7 Ways To Know If Your Boyfriend Is The One" or "What your sign says about you!"

I particularly hate generalized posts
Especially astrology ones
They tend to highlight activities or attributes one carry due to a specific date you were born
Of course neglecting to add in the negative qualities of one's sign

In addition to that, they're pure malarkey

Back to generalized posts....
Yeah, they suck
You can't bottle up situations or scenarios into a list
No matter the length

I started reading the "10 ways" with obvious disdain, yet walked away with some enlightenment

Although they vary in degrees of relating to me fully, every single item on that list is a permanent semi-fucked up, semi-adorable quality I exhibit

I remember writing about #2 to some extent last month or so.
Not to say that it has all to do with my single parent history, but I hadn't had a relationship end in a long time, so I never had to test how I felt
When I'm in, I'm all in with someone cause I'm picky as hell and if I say I'm down for you, I am

#5 is a given, I'll do whatever it takes with no help, but don't get me wrong
I'll take help if it'll guarantee a higher chance at success

#6 is half and half....I don't fear rejection, but I do tend to ask what I could've done in order to not be rejected...that one is really a toss up, I'm only scared of clowns forreal

#7, man...
I realized that one on my own in February or so.

The rest are all tied into each other in my opinion, yet all ring true

So with this generalized list making, in my mind, some true assumptions
I see now that I am fucked for life.
Well, maybe not life, but a long time until I work it out

I recognize it's super unfair to put that on a significant, yet as I said earlier...it holds benefits when I jump the gun.
Today, It also hit me that perhaps I do an inverted version of what my dad did to my mum.
From stories I've gathered over the years, I learned that he hurt he my mum in such a way that she never forgave him.
While that sucks, he never came back to say sorry for what he did.
I think that hurt her more.

I can see it in her sometimes when I try to bring it up; some lingering sense that there was business unfinished. She only has to look at me to feel that.
I mess up/ruin/wreck things so easily and I always go back to make amends, if I want to.
Regardless of the damage, I tend to feel that I can fix it once I get back to my senses....

I have no clue when I'll learn that that isn't true all the time, maybe more often than I think.

After you do it so many times, the "sorrys" feel empty no matter how much you mean them.

So, as the article states, I'm predisposed to
1. Not accepting the idea of true love, yet secretly believing in it to the point where I'm waiting for it
2. Taking rejection and abandonment harder than others
3. Working independently
4. Having trust issues that dissolve into a love that dies hard once I trust someone

Fucked for life I am.
Although I will admit, if that's only a short list of the shit I got coming for me, it aint that bad...
aint that bad at all.
I know it's coming, so preparing for it is all I can ask

Later Days, Longer Nights
http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/10-ways-children-who-grew-up-with-a-single-parent-love-differently#.VWuq_YKCoWU.facebook