Damn....100 posts of me saying how bullshit I think my life is and how other shit is bullshit.
What an achievement! lol.
I figure I wont be making any posts for some time since Summer is here and I'll be out and about, but thats a good thing.
When I do get back to this lost world, I'll have too many stories to tell and I hope you enjoy reading it.
So until then, as always .....
Later Days
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
So Neglectful
Im so neglectful to people who care about me.
I need to just sit down one day and have a long conversation with people in my cellphone...whether we talk or not. I always say how I have a lot of associates, but thats cause I make it that way.
Associates can become good friends easily, just takes a little effort.
I dont know what made me think about this, yet Im happy it did cross my mind.
Aside from that, I've opened up a tumblr account. Its kinda entertaining. Im trying to get my page up to par with my other friends.
Dont worry though.....blogger will always be my first love.
Today is the last day of school technically and Im going to be here till like 9 pm, and check out takes place at 8 pm.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Later Days
I need to just sit down one day and have a long conversation with people in my cellphone...whether we talk or not. I always say how I have a lot of associates, but thats cause I make it that way.
Associates can become good friends easily, just takes a little effort.
I dont know what made me think about this, yet Im happy it did cross my mind.
Aside from that, I've opened up a tumblr account. Its kinda entertaining. Im trying to get my page up to par with my other friends.
Dont worry though.....blogger will always be my first love.
Today is the last day of school technically and Im going to be here till like 9 pm, and check out takes place at 8 pm.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Later Days
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Patience is a Vice
Im trying kinda.
Im out there trying to work something out.
I've played my part and now here comes the hardest role of it all: patience.
I dont get why I have to wait when they make it seem like its hard to get.
That shit is a piss off. If Im trying to talk to you, then let me do so.
I know your not a slut. I wont think your "easy" if you keep contact on a heavy basis.
We both know you wanna be chose...so let me just pick you.
Matt says I just gotta wait, but Im thinking otherwise.
I never get what I want. I always get what I dont want. Irony.
I think it may be the end of my rope....the wolf in me is getting tired.
On a side note, I cant believe my ex stole my shirt. I really dont like people coming into my home and taking things without telling me. I know that was random, but that really angered me.
The last couple of days to Summer break is becoming irritating. Fuck.
Later Days
Im out there trying to work something out.
I've played my part and now here comes the hardest role of it all: patience.
I dont get why I have to wait when they make it seem like its hard to get.
That shit is a piss off. If Im trying to talk to you, then let me do so.
I know your not a slut. I wont think your "easy" if you keep contact on a heavy basis.
We both know you wanna be chose...so let me just pick you.
Matt says I just gotta wait, but Im thinking otherwise.
I never get what I want. I always get what I dont want. Irony.
I think it may be the end of my rope....the wolf in me is getting tired.
On a side note, I cant believe my ex stole my shirt. I really dont like people coming into my home and taking things without telling me. I know that was random, but that really angered me.
The last couple of days to Summer break is becoming irritating. Fuck.
Later Days
Sunday, May 15, 2011
She Only Likes Me for My Penis
Drunk sex,
sober regrets,
all mixed in a misleading context.
You can take my hand at night and deny my kiss in the daylight, so what does that mean to me?
For living in the moment, I gotta pay that bittersweet price of feeling euphoria;
always wanted, yet least expected when greeted.
I cant figure out your mind when the Sun is out and we're driving around town.
Keeping it G is a hard task as I catch you smiling at me with half effort to hide the act;
stuck in the scene, thinking about things that will never be.
"Its going to happen if its meant to be." What neophyte mortal uttered such a lie?
If I believed in that, then destiny and changing fate are the only options for me, so should I chase a dream or never go to sleep? This cognitive dissonance isn't healthy.
I came back for you, and I never even made the promise to do it.
A little more than a little bit....thats how much I want you.
Try another target....thats what I should be doing, but I wasnt ever really one for rules.
Later Days
sober regrets,
all mixed in a misleading context.
You can take my hand at night and deny my kiss in the daylight, so what does that mean to me?
For living in the moment, I gotta pay that bittersweet price of feeling euphoria;
always wanted, yet least expected when greeted.
I cant figure out your mind when the Sun is out and we're driving around town.
Keeping it G is a hard task as I catch you smiling at me with half effort to hide the act;
stuck in the scene, thinking about things that will never be.
"Its going to happen if its meant to be." What neophyte mortal uttered such a lie?
If I believed in that, then destiny and changing fate are the only options for me, so should I chase a dream or never go to sleep? This cognitive dissonance isn't healthy.
I came back for you, and I never even made the promise to do it.
A little more than a little bit....thats how much I want you.
Try another target....thats what I should be doing, but I wasnt ever really one for rules.
Later Days
Friday, May 13, 2011
Im Tired
There's all these words I have to say to you.
There's a whole other life I want to live with you.
There's more feelings I have yet to feel with you and I can't do it.
Im tired of holding on to someone I should've let go.
If thats the case, now I know.
Who was wrong?
Who was right?
Did I apologize enough times?
Did you even say sorry for your crime?
Im tired of maintaining my grip on a slipping handle.
If thats my situation, now I know.
The fuck I gave was you, when I should've amputated my middle finger, but
my excuse was love.
Now Im tired; bags under my eyes from waiting on you to realize.
Now Im stretching, getting up from the spot I've occupied for some time.
Im tired of being tired.
Im going outside to play.
Later Days
There's a whole other life I want to live with you.
There's more feelings I have yet to feel with you and I can't do it.
Im tired of holding on to someone I should've let go.
If thats the case, now I know.
Who was wrong?
Who was right?
Did I apologize enough times?
Did you even say sorry for your crime?
Im tired of maintaining my grip on a slipping handle.
If thats my situation, now I know.
The fuck I gave was you, when I should've amputated my middle finger, but
my excuse was love.
Now Im tired; bags under my eyes from waiting on you to realize.
Now Im stretching, getting up from the spot I've occupied for some time.
Im tired of being tired.
Im going outside to play.
Later Days
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I should be studying
All this hate would incinerate a normal person to ash, but it keeps me warm at night.
Love is a fastball thrown that I couldn't catch, so cupid takes the strike.
I wanna be free and chained to wherever you lead, yet oxymoron's are never easy to complete.
I tried to kill myself 3 times at once, but Cerberus wouldn't eat me alive.
Thanks for noticing and thanks for passing me by.
Thanks for loving and fearing me at the same time.
Take care is what I always say, but whats the point?
You probably wont ever know I wrote this for you after you ignored my text.
Later Days
Love is a fastball thrown that I couldn't catch, so cupid takes the strike.
I wanna be free and chained to wherever you lead, yet oxymoron's are never easy to complete.
I tried to kill myself 3 times at once, but Cerberus wouldn't eat me alive.
Thanks for noticing and thanks for passing me by.
Thanks for loving and fearing me at the same time.
Take care is what I always say, but whats the point?
You probably wont ever know I wrote this for you after you ignored my text.
Later Days
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mondays
In a moment of weakness, I sent this text message summing up all of my feelings and thoughts on what I can never have to someone you probably dont know. Right after class, I went out into the morning sun and hit the send button without looking back or second guessing my actions. I had nothing to lose in the first place, so I figured why not? Then I retreated into my head; it's a privilege and a pleasure, although Im kind of under the weather, but then again...technically aren't we all?
It feels like Im going through a lot of stuff at the moment, but Im not; smirking while I rather sulk and dieting when I only want to eat her heart. I swear she doesn't want me to be happy with anyone, not even herself. It dawned on me in a dream not too long ago and from then on, the touch of others has lost its sensation. All these epiphanies are hitting me at a bad time, so I guess it's karma. I never had a problem with karma though because if I committed an unsavory act, I always prepped myself for the consequences at hand. I wonder who I did wrong all those years ago to feel this way now. If its a curse, I dont think the cure could be anymore desired, yet if it's only life and nature, I dont want death to be my savior.
She responded with a feigned cheery greeting and got right to business by the next sentence. She was confused by my message and asked for an explanation. I looked at the text and felt a glimmer of relief; part of me wanted her to call just so I could hear her voice. This could of been my chance, a counterfeit opportunity to try again; I never give up on anyone, I just take occasional hiatuses. Here I am, looking at that message with an empty gaze and a blank mind too with an urge starting to construct itself from my stalling. This impulse to respond with a novel long description of what I meant soon broke lose in my brain; swiftly pulling words of vigorous unity out of the corners of my head into a coherent definition of what I want and why I want it. A breath of hope eased it way out from my soul, but that was all. I just read the message with an intent to act, but nothing else followed the thought.
I didn't reply.
Later Days
It feels like Im going through a lot of stuff at the moment, but Im not; smirking while I rather sulk and dieting when I only want to eat her heart. I swear she doesn't want me to be happy with anyone, not even herself. It dawned on me in a dream not too long ago and from then on, the touch of others has lost its sensation. All these epiphanies are hitting me at a bad time, so I guess it's karma. I never had a problem with karma though because if I committed an unsavory act, I always prepped myself for the consequences at hand. I wonder who I did wrong all those years ago to feel this way now. If its a curse, I dont think the cure could be anymore desired, yet if it's only life and nature, I dont want death to be my savior.
She responded with a feigned cheery greeting and got right to business by the next sentence. She was confused by my message and asked for an explanation. I looked at the text and felt a glimmer of relief; part of me wanted her to call just so I could hear her voice. This could of been my chance, a counterfeit opportunity to try again; I never give up on anyone, I just take occasional hiatuses. Here I am, looking at that message with an empty gaze and a blank mind too with an urge starting to construct itself from my stalling. This impulse to respond with a novel long description of what I meant soon broke lose in my brain; swiftly pulling words of vigorous unity out of the corners of my head into a coherent definition of what I want and why I want it. A breath of hope eased it way out from my soul, but that was all. I just read the message with an intent to act, but nothing else followed the thought.
I didn't reply.
Later Days
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Tell Me How I Lost My Power.
Its the highs and the lows.
The manic and the depression.
At every peak, there is a cliff where it all falls down.
Before I jumped, a sign was at the entrance. It read "Welcome to Rock Bottom".
Teenage angst is delicious when its happening to others, but when Im the victim, I dont laugh as much.
These melancholy shifts I experience are far from a delight. Im listening to "Everything is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack just so I can hear a lie with a tune.
Im a wolf at heart, a hunter in spirit, so I dont know what to do when there's nothing to catch. I used to be better than this, another time ago. For the first time in my life, I dont know what to do.
Its not even about the hunt, its just the fact I have no one to fall on. This is my digital diary...no need to lie to myself. Looks like Im falling apart...ew.
Im sleepy, I cant say anymore. The demons wont allow me.
Later Days
The manic and the depression.
At every peak, there is a cliff where it all falls down.
Before I jumped, a sign was at the entrance. It read "Welcome to Rock Bottom".
Teenage angst is delicious when its happening to others, but when Im the victim, I dont laugh as much.
These melancholy shifts I experience are far from a delight. Im listening to "Everything is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack just so I can hear a lie with a tune.
Im a wolf at heart, a hunter in spirit, so I dont know what to do when there's nothing to catch. I used to be better than this, another time ago. For the first time in my life, I dont know what to do.
Its not even about the hunt, its just the fact I have no one to fall on. This is my digital diary...no need to lie to myself. Looks like Im falling apart...ew.
Im sleepy, I cant say anymore. The demons wont allow me.
Later Days
Who Are You ?
Thats a difficult question.
Im trying to get away. Im trying to fall in love without being reminded of the previous leap.
Im a lot of things that aren't working out, yet luckily for me, I never have doubt.
Maybe Im dreaming about that too; being a lonely fool has its perks when you want to lie to yourself.
I thought I heard her say "Dominick", but it was really "Derrick".
She gets revenge on me everyday by being hallowed as an unrequited love, so I just keep destroying the monument. I wish I could say thanks for the memories, but that would be bittersweet.
When your face is numb and everything looks like the back of your eyelids, it feels right. I got these demons I can't let out, so I sedate them with drinks or feed them hearts, whichever comes first.
I cant do that question justice honestly. There's a lot about me I can and can't explain. Its weird, but reassuring. Those first two things are just the simple aspects floating around in my mind right now.
I want someone, but I dont know who that is.
I want something true. Someone tell me something new.
Dont worry, Im even getting confused.
Later Days
Im trying to get away. Im trying to fall in love without being reminded of the previous leap.
Im a lot of things that aren't working out, yet luckily for me, I never have doubt.
Maybe Im dreaming about that too; being a lonely fool has its perks when you want to lie to yourself.
I thought I heard her say "Dominick", but it was really "Derrick".
She gets revenge on me everyday by being hallowed as an unrequited love, so I just keep destroying the monument. I wish I could say thanks for the memories, but that would be bittersweet.
When your face is numb and everything looks like the back of your eyelids, it feels right. I got these demons I can't let out, so I sedate them with drinks or feed them hearts, whichever comes first.
I cant do that question justice honestly. There's a lot about me I can and can't explain. Its weird, but reassuring. Those first two things are just the simple aspects floating around in my mind right now.
I want someone, but I dont know who that is.
I want something true. Someone tell me something new.
Dont worry, Im even getting confused.
Later Days
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Neon Wolves
Late post. Just got back from my nigga Matt's friend's place. I know, a tongue whirl there.
Wont be a long entry because I have class at like 8 am and its 2:33 am. I like pushing my limits, so when I crash, its all the more disastrous.
I deal with chaos, what else would you think??
Night bitches
Later Days
Wont be a long entry because I have class at like 8 am and its 2:33 am. I like pushing my limits, so when I crash, its all the more disastrous.
I deal with chaos, what else would you think??
Night bitches
Later Days
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Social Animal, Erotic Cannibal
So today was funny. My friend's girlfriend told me a Junior wouldn't be interested in me just because Im a Freshman.
Kinda hurt my feelings, I dont know why though.
I guess someone putting a cap on my potential really fucked my self-esteem up. I just want to stick my snicker dick in a vanilla chick! lol
I lied by the way. Im a social animal and a social pariah. A fucking walking jonah looking for a jezebel to eat out with some caramel syrup.
My mind has been warped a little this week as you can tell by the past posts. I like it personally.
Nothing but energy and randomness.
That reminds me.... what does this say: U R COOT
If you said "you are cute", then thank you. I wrote it on a piece of paper, flashed it at this random girl jokingly and see shot a look of disgust. People take everything seriously now-a-days...shawty just need to do some blow with me and relax.
Later Days
Kinda hurt my feelings, I dont know why though.
I guess someone putting a cap on my potential really fucked my self-esteem up. I just want to stick my snicker dick in a vanilla chick! lol
I lied by the way. Im a social animal and a social pariah. A fucking walking jonah looking for a jezebel to eat out with some caramel syrup.
My mind has been warped a little this week as you can tell by the past posts. I like it personally.
Nothing but energy and randomness.
That reminds me.... what does this say: U R COOT
If you said "you are cute", then thank you. I wrote it on a piece of paper, flashed it at this random girl jokingly and see shot a look of disgust. People take everything seriously now-a-days...shawty just need to do some blow with me and relax.
Later Days
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Uhmm...
Im thinking about making a lot of music during this summer.
I got problems that need to be let out.
I had a dream that I ran away from home cause some guy with candy said follow me.
After that, I looked for a zoo so I could pet a Bengal cat. I figured out the meaning though....
death reminds me of glory: sweet, but full of traps.
This diary isnt hidden. I want someone to find this and tell me how fucked up I try to make my life seem.
I want that wish just so I could beat the shit out of them and tell them it isn't fucked up, just unhinged.
Later Days
I got problems that need to be let out.
I had a dream that I ran away from home cause some guy with candy said follow me.
After that, I looked for a zoo so I could pet a Bengal cat. I figured out the meaning though....
death reminds me of glory: sweet, but full of traps.
This diary isnt hidden. I want someone to find this and tell me how fucked up I try to make my life seem.
I want that wish just so I could beat the shit out of them and tell them it isn't fucked up, just unhinged.
Later Days
Monday, May 2, 2011
Thoughts on Highschool
What if you woke up in the middle of the night and realized that for 4 years you were living a lie?
I died knowing I tried to exchange 5 months for all that time.
We sung those songs of apathy and indifference in class without really understanding the blatant message; it was painted yellow in front of a green canvas.
Nothing really did matter.
Nothing they said or did had weight to hold us down, we gave it weight.
In the life we hoped to lead in those halls, we breathed life into petty situations that grew out of our control.
I suppose its me growing up in my mind to see these cruel blueprints of secondary education.
It feels like someone has taken me off the assembly line, so Im walking with these legs of my own design.
I died knowing I tried to exchange 5 months for all that time.
We sung those songs of apathy and indifference in class without really understanding the blatant message; it was painted yellow in front of a green canvas.
Nothing really did matter.
Nothing they said or did had weight to hold us down, we gave it weight.
In the life we hoped to lead in those halls, we breathed life into petty situations that grew out of our control.
I suppose its me growing up in my mind to see these cruel blueprints of secondary education.
It feels like someone has taken me off the assembly line, so Im walking with these legs of my own design.
Playboy
I can't learn the lesson any more thorough.
My mind and heart has total understanding over what I do, but I still do it, even when it hurts more every time I have to let go.
There are people who come in my life and they want to make me happy.
They do the unthinkable, say the impossible, and make me feel ways I can't express with words.
I take their problems and make it my own, holding all their burdens upon my scarred back.
They fall for me and I fall for them, but I can't let them in too close.
They want all of me and something I can't explain wont let them have it. I let good people go with reluctant ease.
That sad girl (whoever it may be) could give me the universe in a box from God Himself and I wouldn't be able to give her the full extent of my love.
Its beautifully tragic.
Maybe Im trying to still get over a regret...
Perhaps its just a problem...
Im not sure. Sometimes I think its Shirley haunting my heart, like she wanted to do from the very start of us meeting.
She was always someone I couldnt ever really let go of, but thats a theory all in its own.
Normally with girls, I feel different measures of dragons (the male equivalent to butterflies, I coined the term). I can remember a couple of girls who set my stomach on the edge of painful bliss, yet as far as I recall, I wasnt able to kindle a relationship of my liking with them.
Its beautifully tragic; I get what I dont really want, but never what I need and honestly, I believe those girls who give me heavy dragons are beyond remarkable; that female would be, in my mind, unparalleled to most humans on Earth. I guess you could say a true soul mate....perfect, perhaps?
Ha, look at me drone on with this shit, but Im not going to stop. These are really locked thoughts that should've remained as such, but I dont really care. Im probably just a thrill-seeker, forever chasing that first feeling.
"There's no content for you in what you have for you're forever finding something dearer, some other thing because you have it not."
Later Days
My mind and heart has total understanding over what I do, but I still do it, even when it hurts more every time I have to let go.
There are people who come in my life and they want to make me happy.
They do the unthinkable, say the impossible, and make me feel ways I can't express with words.
I take their problems and make it my own, holding all their burdens upon my scarred back.
They fall for me and I fall for them, but I can't let them in too close.
They want all of me and something I can't explain wont let them have it. I let good people go with reluctant ease.
That sad girl (whoever it may be) could give me the universe in a box from God Himself and I wouldn't be able to give her the full extent of my love.
Its beautifully tragic.
Maybe Im trying to still get over a regret...
Perhaps its just a problem...
Im not sure. Sometimes I think its Shirley haunting my heart, like she wanted to do from the very start of us meeting.
She was always someone I couldnt ever really let go of, but thats a theory all in its own.
Normally with girls, I feel different measures of dragons (the male equivalent to butterflies, I coined the term). I can remember a couple of girls who set my stomach on the edge of painful bliss, yet as far as I recall, I wasnt able to kindle a relationship of my liking with them.
Its beautifully tragic; I get what I dont really want, but never what I need and honestly, I believe those girls who give me heavy dragons are beyond remarkable; that female would be, in my mind, unparalleled to most humans on Earth. I guess you could say a true soul mate....perfect, perhaps?
Ha, look at me drone on with this shit, but Im not going to stop. These are really locked thoughts that should've remained as such, but I dont really care. Im probably just a thrill-seeker, forever chasing that first feeling.
"There's no content for you in what you have for you're forever finding something dearer, some other thing because you have it not."
Later Days
Sunday, May 1, 2011
#realtalk
So Saturday I had a conversation with a nigga.
We kept everything 100.
He got me thinking about some things that been bothering me lately, but I walked away with a couple lessons:
Its might take a long time, but Im going to get everything I want in due time.
There's no pain that equals to losing your first love...at all.
Money is the problem and the solution.
It was weird how we got to talking about this type of shit because it was the first time I ever met him.
He was hanging out with my friend Durre and we was chilling at this lame party. There was a small fire near the ping-pong table outside and he came over with a cup in hand. He just straight up asked me "Do you ever think about ya first love?"
I told him yea and it shot off from their.
He was older then me, so of course some wisdom was dropped and he got me thinking about how everything is compared to how it was, so now I see all my changes in a different shade.
Thats a different post for a calm day.
On a looser note, I never seen soo many people happy over the death of one person. Its sad to me. Justice is serving time than just killing the criminal.
Later Days
We kept everything 100.
He got me thinking about some things that been bothering me lately, but I walked away with a couple lessons:
Its might take a long time, but Im going to get everything I want in due time.
There's no pain that equals to losing your first love...at all.
Money is the problem and the solution.
It was weird how we got to talking about this type of shit because it was the first time I ever met him.
He was hanging out with my friend Durre and we was chilling at this lame party. There was a small fire near the ping-pong table outside and he came over with a cup in hand. He just straight up asked me "Do you ever think about ya first love?"
I told him yea and it shot off from their.
He was older then me, so of course some wisdom was dropped and he got me thinking about how everything is compared to how it was, so now I see all my changes in a different shade.
Thats a different post for a calm day.
On a looser note, I never seen soo many people happy over the death of one person. Its sad to me. Justice is serving time than just killing the criminal.
Later Days
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