Mondays

In a moment of weakness, I sent this text message summing up all of my feelings and thoughts on what I can never have to someone you probably dont know. Right after class, I went out into the morning sun and hit the send button without looking back or second guessing my actions. I had nothing to lose in the first place, so I figured why not? Then I retreated into my head; it's a privilege and a pleasure, although Im kind of under the weather, but then again...technically aren't we all?

It feels like Im going through a lot of stuff at the moment, but Im not; smirking while I rather sulk and dieting when I only want to eat her heart. I swear she doesn't want me to be happy with anyone, not even herself. It dawned on me in a dream not too long ago and from then on, the touch of others has lost its sensation. All these epiphanies are hitting me at a bad time, so I guess it's karma. I never had a problem with karma though because if I committed an unsavory act, I always prepped myself for the consequences at hand. I wonder who I did wrong all those years ago to feel this way now. If its a curse, I dont think the cure could be anymore desired, yet if it's only life and nature, I dont want death to be my savior.

She responded with a feigned cheery greeting and got right to business by the next sentence. She was confused by my message and asked for an explanation. I looked at the text and felt a glimmer of relief; part of me wanted her to call just so I could hear her voice. This could of been my chance, a counterfeit opportunity to try again; I never give up on anyone, I just take occasional hiatuses. Here I am, looking at that message with an empty gaze and a blank mind too with an urge starting to construct itself from my stalling. This impulse to respond with a novel long description of what I meant soon broke lose in my brain; swiftly pulling words of vigorous unity out of the corners of my head into a coherent definition of what I want and why I want it. A breath of hope eased it way out from my soul, but that was all. I just read the message with an intent to act, but nothing else followed the thought.

I didn't reply.

Later Days