Eureka!(?)

I'm a bit fearful that I'll never reach that "Eureka!" moment in one's life where they
sit back whilst doing something they love and say to themselves,
"This is what I was meant to do."

Whether you can find a career doing it or at least consider it a hobby, the things I like to do
are well....
either destructive or non-existent.

I like writing, but I don't think I'm good at it.
I like partying, but who doesn't?

I want to do something that can change the world or
at least "a" world.

But how do you do that at a party?
How do you do that getting someone involved in Pokemon or Kingdom Hearts or stupid, half complaining blog posts?

Later Days, Longer Nights

Not That Way

I feel like I'm cold to you
I've laid in the sun too many days to be that way
I'm not sure if it'll go away

You move me to try
Otherwise I'd make myself remain content with a routine I've seen in other's lives
I feel the silence of my footsteps striking the city pavement
Lifted when you're around
The quiet reminder that I am by myself when I'm doing something simple:
Running Errands
Eating Lunch
Waking Up

There's passion lacking violence even when we argue
I can't wait to leave myself when you step in the door
The unfairness
Gone

And I still feel cold

I may be imagining this
______________________________________________

I wanted to write a letter to someone, but I couldn't think who. There's something I want to say, yet it isn't fully formed, so I refrain.
This song feels like your hand is softly touching my face.
And I can smell the light, sweet scent of your perfume enter my nose.
I rub my face against your cheek like a cat.
The blinds in my room keep the Sun's light from spilling in, but some rays get through, revealing tiny strands of lent dancing in the air.

I can see a thousand stars in your eyes. I died there before, with a smile.

The songs over.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Nett'e

I disowned my mother a couple weeks ago.
I'm 22. I've been emancipated for 6 years.
All after Thanksgiving, after another round, It hit me....

For 22 years, I've been treated badly.
My mum will say the meanest shit about me, so much that it becomes true.
The only thing she ever wants from me is money.
After another round, It hit me...
She's never said she was proud of me. Never happy with any of my accomplishments.
During that car ride to her job,

I said, "I don't feel like I know you. I don't know where you were born, what you went through at school, like shit, I don't even know my own father. Not even his name. I do know he's dead, and I'm not sure who'll go first between me and you, but if its you, I want to know who are...not to be nosy, but to know who my mother is and how we ended up in this crazy life, how you pulled through alone....all of it."

She remained silent through the whole ride.
The next time we spoke, it was as if I never said a thing about her past.

I don't know if I'm doing good, if ever.
I take my victories and apply them to the next challenge.
Yet, I think I would feel a little better about all the lying and trickery if she at least said,
"Well, do what you got to do Dominick, I love you anyways."

What am I doing half of this shit for? Just so I can make it to graduation with a nice ass career waiting for me, just to hear her say "You got that $2000 for wrecking my car?"

I feel like this is why I don't believe people when they say "Im sorry"...or just about things in general.
I think everyone's lying except when it comes to money...and you can still lie about that too.

She won't be disowned forever. That's my mother and I love her more than I hate her, but I need time to think about me and to not worry about her, time to repair my energy and my trust issues with people who are unintentionally filling her spot.

Later Days, Longer Nights

This Time

Last weekend I ended up at some sweat box courtesy of my two roommates.
It was an event I was all too familiar with and I usually enjoy myself at places like that,
but this time I didn't.

Last night I had to run some equipment to my friend for his photo shoot and ended up talking to some of the participants there before he came out.
We all talked the "little talk" that I loathe, but It wasn't the same.
I didn't feel the same.

Today I walked back from the library after printing out some document and realized that this time last year I couldn't get caught in the rain.
I wasn't wearing jeans or a Killer's t-shirt. I didn't have the option to.
This time last year, I was afraid and in some place I shouldn't have been.

I haven't been the same since then I noticed.

Whereas I used to take risks with no stalling, talk the way I wanted to talk, and generally felt more inclined to be me, I stopped doing that.
It isn't growing older either or maturing....I abandoned myself in public.
I only like myself in private or with people who already know me.

That last line is about as far removed from a masturbation joke as possible, but if the thought ran across your mind, I'll forgive.

__________________________________

I like me.
People like me.
But often, it feels like I need outside validation, when I really shouldn't, but it is a good thing to have.
For example,
serial killers feel they are in the right. They like what they are doing and only need validation from themselves.
That's a powerful thing, yet wrongly used, for if they trusted someone, a person who's validation is necessary for them to start (or continue) their murderous reign, then they won't kill people if they feel it's wrong to this significant person.
Mind you, they can also say fuck that guy and keep on stabbing, but I digress...
I never needed validation. I didn't need it a year ago.
Today, I can't say the same thing. It was purely unintentional, the need for validation.
It's a pity as well because I used to be so good at not needing others, that in turn, they liked me for riding my own wave, this gaining their validation anyway.
I want to change because I will change.
Last year isn't anymore. I'm here still. I'm comfortable in my own skin and with the things I like, why not extend that?
I shouldn't be afraid of that place. I grew stronger in other areas from it, yet suffered a blow in the one spot I loved the most: Being Me.
I can't be anyone else. I can't talk like anyone else. I can't dress like anyone else. I can't live like anyone.
I never felt like anybody and I used to like it that way, way better than I do now with whatever I'm doing.
This time around, I know what's wrong, thanks to the rain outside and my awkward accounts.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Internships

I don't think I can do anything

I mean...I can do things, but I don't think I'm good at anything

It's making next school year look dismal

It's making me feel like this 6 year journey was a waste

I don't know how to compete

I'm not even a good writer

Horrible at math

Suck at science

What am I going to do?

Apply and pray

Later Days, Longer Nights

Where You Been?

Apologies, apologies....
I've been swept away.

I've been forging documents and selling (fake?) Louis Vuitton bags to make a way

I paid all my rent debt off, now all I got left is electric,heat,cable, etc..

But it's good to be stable, it's good to be leveled

I never wanted to be a king because they always needed a jester

It's something about being a prince

Later Days, Longer Nights

Bark

You're not supposed to win. Sometimes you're supposed to suffer a defeat so painful that it makes you never want to lose again.
I walk around some days feeling like a god.
Other days, I feel like no one.

5

Its right up there with having a near death experience

You evaluate all that you've done

Clearly seeing where you've done 

wrong

More than ready 

Prepared to correct those mistakes

It's right up there with that

And you come back from it

But life has a voice

It's sweet

Obviously a female's

I mean c'mon

Males can put the quarter in the machine

But a woman delivers the soda

She holds it for months

Nourishing the newborn

Bonding with it on a level we 

(as males)

could never know

Life speaks and she's soft voiced

Saying

"I'm glad you returned

Really happy you pulled through

But you dont need me

I'm not your life"

And it's right up there with

waiting in a 

hospital room

for the doctor to come back

That cold ass room

You're aching to know if your mother succumbed to the disease

Or if she had more fight

and might

Tapping your feet

Idleness

Cmon doctor, I don't have all day....
I don't have all year....

I don't have much time

Then she comes 

Rushing all in

With the calmest face you'll ever know

More peaceful than a quiet death

Much more than 

untouched snow

There's no expression on her

But she's opening her mouth to 

form words and

I don't know if they're 

comforting or not

Her lips purse vowels, syllables,

yet she's mute

Nothings coming out

She's unaware

Still calm about the whole ordeal

I know I'm a fast guy

We know I don't want to take up 

your time

But I do deep down

want everything you are

Even when you're muted

Muted to me

Even when you're life

A life that doesn't need my own

Don't let the rules make you

They don't even exist

If you feel they do

Then we can't

Back

I tried to think
back
to that moment when
I was
only a sperm

When I yelled so
loud and fought
so hard against
my brothers and sisters
to
exist in this
world

I won
but I
don't know what
I wanted here

Love is tiring
Alcohol is seductive
Records are never clean
I'm here not breathing

All the smiles I make
Don't weigh a thing
All the jokes I make
Aren't really my thing
Back to that moment
I forget

Later Days, Longer Nights

I Should've Said,

I miss you.

Never Say

You are an everything I can't have

The weight of it all caught up

I'm smoking right now

Wish you were here

It looks like we're ending the first phase

The greatest break apart and come back stronger than before

Who know's if you're down for the cliche

You feel better than any drink
You are better than every party
You're worth more than any money

But that won't pay the rent

That won't keep me fed

When my mum calls me asking for money

I feel bad

Then you ask if we'll meet next month

I feel worse

Tired of never having shit

I lost when I came to this town

I quit once I had to leave you

I Want More Power

Trash
$0
Negative bank accounts
No food in the house
You look like your mother in those Chuckssssss

Why do you smile so much when things aren't alright
Why are you so alive
I'm pretty sure they look down on you too
Not as low as you weigh yourself

Fuck em
Fuck every single piece of soul shit in here
All you fucking shitbags who don't treat me the way I have/would treat you

Its the type of insult that breeds contempt
But i want more than that
I want to be better again
I want to be better again than all of you
As I once was

And when I was so high and treated you
All so fair and well and nice and right
You took my gifts and smiled
Secretly harboring your disdain
I guess
But I didn't do that to show you up

If you needed help
I gave it to you
Because we're all out here by ourselves just about

Yet one gets a hand out and forgets who was there
Giving rides and making sure you got their on time
When you didn't have shit

I can't even get a ride to the emergency room
To make sure I don't have permanent
Medical induced glaucoma

Who am I when I can't pull my weight
Worthless I see now
That's okay
I've been valued at less before I knew how to love as
Deep as my mother

Alone in my room
I said quietly too myself
"I want more power"
And I meant that more than I've ever wanted
To live


I've typed so much and lost my train of thought
Good bye

Later Days, Longer Nights

Punchline

Leaving the gym I had a thought;
what if there isn't a hell?
What if, God showed you how much He/She/It loved you by granting you
eternal life. Eternal time. A forever with everyone and everything you've
ever loved that has moved
on to
the other side.
No matter the sin. No matter
the history.
Through murder, suicide, and natural causes
you got there.
God gave you all the time in the word to praise Him/Her/It
and
even if you were wrong or right,
it didn't matter because you were shown the answer at the end.

We go through life worried about making poor life choices and
some of us
don't tilt our
pretty
little heads and see that
they're inevitable anyway.

So what if that was the punchline?
God gave us what we were afraid to lose.
Or Buddha.
Or whatever is your religion.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Flood Me

Today in the
slow fade generation,
who really talks
?
Most things said are
lost in
this mist;
it's heavy and dark with a flooding
dread
Words that never felt a
single sun ray
in their whole life
Removed from God's grace
cold,
bred from deception, lacking
heart;
whatever meaning is only
code from every dead, lost
language
compiled into a paragraph with no
punctuation

Today there's always
an ulterior motive so
the insight of our words, words
that we use through
conversation,
is lost.
We don't trust each other from the beginning,
so when can we start?


Later Days, Longer Nights

Drama King

I've been called dramatic
so much,
It makes me question
how I value a person's
worth

I find interest in
the mundane,
the little things,
routines we feel compelled
to repeat
For all the bullshit
that's in between
we aren't concerned with
The End;
we know how it ends

This isn't
about flair or
being too much, its
bigger than that
Doesn't anyone
consider it a curse to
feel the way this life
feels to you?
Like a kiss in the
dark, it's only
seen by you;
she never pulled away, but
you're in two spaces
separated
by
a
galaxy
of emotions,
each a minor
tick on this spectrum,
a blackboard of
intensity
You can't share that experience
You can't share any experience

So,
you can't even start
to process how
I perceive
anything
Neither could I you
So,
if you cant get it
at a cellular level,
then maybe if i
blow it up we
could possibly
be on the same
page for once,
before The End
Maybe it could be
the first time ever
in history
People simply disregard
my colorful attempts
"You're so dramatic"

I don't know
which
is the folly
of man:
that I continue to try
or
I'm always dismissed


Later  Days, Longer Nights

Give In

“At the end of the day, all any of us wants is to feel good. And whether it’s a long wet kiss on a dark night, or a needle in the arm, it’ll gnaw at you until you give in…..until you let yourself give in. And there is nothing else in the world that feels better than giving in to your inner monster.” 

And I can't believe I held back on you this long
We were good for a time but things got out of line
Out of hand
Out of control
For you
As we ended up on two opposite sides
Pretending to be two halves of the same loaf

You are boring
You are lazy
You have no aim
I could forgive all of that
All of it
If you weren't content with such flaws
But I held back
Letting you scratch at me name
You called me lazy
You called me too much
Yet I'm neither and too much
Is just personality when coupled next to you

Then that happened
That night, you know?
 It's easy to forget who you really are
To have all your failures weigh more than your achievements
When they really only weigh more because we view them as heavy in the first place
I took my foot off
Giving in
Looking you right in the eyes
Those eyes that look down on me
From the top floor of my stairs

You have a car
That you wanna supe up and make look better
Living at home with your mother and your teenage sister and her baby
Going to work and home and work and home
Just graduating high school and I ask "What's next? What's new?"
"Nothing. Nothing."
"I wanna leave this house though. Get my own place..."
"Then save up, what's stopping you?"
"I don't want to pay bills."
Theres a difference between "don't" and "can't",
That difference is effort

I stole $15 from your purse that night
Because it feels better
Giving in
Biting down.


Later Days, Longer Nights

When Money Holds You From Health

Jeez, I was so excited to go out this July 4th weekend and stretch my legs for a change, but of course fate had other plans....

I went to bed that Tuesday night and I was really hot and itchy,
like unbearable itchy....

All I know is, I had a reaction to something and my hands and feet and elbows and face shot up a rash.
Currently, my face looks fine, cept for my nose which is a minor inconvenience.
I let my feet keep the small brown, swelled up spots. There aren't that many there and when they decided to peel off, I'll assist.

But my hands are fucking gross now.

At first they had those brown spots all over, looking like snake scales.
Then I realized that each spot was dead, dead skin that wanted to be ripped.
Well, I thought....
Either be lizard guy or peeler man, so I decided to rip the skin off.

I have Caucasian digits now.

Guess it'll take time for the skin to heal back, but at least its progress.

This post isn't really about that though...

I feel like this should be about the current healthcare system, how I couldn't see the proper doctor because I don't have any insurance.
I feel this should be about some of the harm of modern medicine, how the meds they prescribed me (which didn't even work) have given me side effects which I hope to reel from in the coming weeks.
Maybe it should be about the value of one's life when he or she yields little to no money in our society, like what am I worth if I can't see the right doctor for my ailment.

No, fuck it, I'll just fix myself.

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Party

I can't do two nights of blob activities.

We are already in the age of watered down communication due to technology.

I can do one night with blobs, but not two.

Let's sit around a hardwood top with brandy swirling in our glass

and say something

real.

No rehearsals. No trans fat.

Harken back to the organic days where people spoke out of curiosity, fear....

In grade school, we had no choice, but that was the best option.
You'd talk to another kid because they had a cool toy, cookies, or a pretty block for building
You had to TALK to this human creature
There was no way around it
Although it was the only way, it was the best way
Guess I could just send a text now

I can't even remember when I started being scared to be myself and scared to say what I meant.

It's been so long ago.


I dont think I really know the people I live with.
I can't see how you can be wholly content with smoking, playing sports games, and being confined to the same 4 walls you eat, shit, and sleep in.
I think the weed makes them lazy.

We were fucking kids man.

We used to go outside just to be with our other friends, to be out of the house.
We have more power over our schedule than before and we've regressed in that aspect of actually DOING shit with our time.
Now,
seems like we only step out for pussy or a roll up.

We don't even go out for food, just get delivery.

That's why I like drinking and making sure they drink, makes you so active,
so active you become inactive, stooped over near a toilet bowl, releasing your insides.
That's real. That's a guy (or gal) who knew their limit and chose to exceed.
That's one ambitious motherfucker who learned something tonight.
One ambitious motherfucker I'd love to buy a drink.

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Birds Landed on The Glacier in Spring

I finally opened the Charles Bukowski book Chanel bought me

And with that

,

I've found a bit more of myself.

Why is it that way?

Finding scattered remnants of who

You

Really

Are

In other things....

And with that, does being born or dying finish the puzzle set.
What if you lose pieces?
Maybe we're meant to be incomplete.

If I'm

Created in God's image

How can I resemble something so perfect

When I find only problems in myself.


This could be the last time I put on my shoes

or listen to music that I really don't like.

She's angry with me again & I think it's both of our fault.

People say fuck your heart, just entertain us.

I've been doing my own thing for a while

Yet everyone is screaming to take that route

So is it conforming now?


Your mind has more control over your body
Push as the whistle sings in the darkest night

She said she doesn't like who I am when I drink
I don't really like to drink myself
I only appreciate how it wakes me up

Later Days, Longer Nights

FlashDrive

"There are people in this world who never have and never will know what it is to truly be in love, to put their egos aside in order to bond with another person in the only way humanly possible".

Creepy Crawls

I don't think anyone could ever ask why they feel the world the way they do.
It's special type of power.


If the world is so bad, can't you only be so good?
What's the point when people are throwing out their humanity left and right for whatever reason and you're just here trying to hold on.

Then you slip up and wonder if there's a difference between being a half-breed or a full blown monster.

I had plans but they just disappear to the back of my mind.

Bye

You Be On My Mind

This is the first time I've ever written a post on my cell phone.
It feels refreshing, although I hate touch screen.

Where am I?
I don't know how to ask for help all the time.
Especially when it's a big problem for me.
An offhand comment or vague reference may be as loud as I can get when I need it, but otherwise, my call for help is a whisper among day's chatter.

I'm lying in bed with missed calls and unanswered text messages.
I got as loud as I could last night, to Chanel and my roommates and the end result..
I can only think of a single line from a song to describe what happened...Tyler the Creator said it:
"But times im so serious, you think I'm silly"

No one's said anything.
No one's come to me.
I'm not talking about today, mean last night, when it was fresh.

Now it's putrid dribble people probably chalk up to the brandy.
But it wasn't dribble. It's not.
I can't help I only feel comfortable saying something about it when I'm drinking, that's just the way it comes out.
If I stopped drinking, I think I would just bottle up the whole thing.
That isn't healthy.
So it's either drink and let it go or abstain and explode at this point.

I may never say anything about it again and just let whatever happen.
Seems like a waste of breath at this point.
An exhausting waste of my fucking life.

Is he being dramatic? Is he just really emotional right now?
Yes, please simplify and categorize it so efficiently, so you can blow it off and get back to your zombie life.
You know I have Summer's heart in my blood and I wouldn't care about anything that ever was if it was up to me, yet
This is not the case.

Oh, I just got a text message. Let's see where this goes

Later days, longer nights

Right Now at 3 a.m.

I had a talk with my mum.
I was drunk, 7 shots of tequila will do me in, but nonetheless we talked.

I learned something about myself tonight that I can honestly say I didn't think I wanted to know.

My father died before I knew him. This isn't new.
He had children, a son and daughter. This isn't new. I spoke to the son.
He had an inheritance in his will. This is new.

When I spoke to my "step brother who wouldn't even claim me", he acted standoff-ish.
Please excuse my writing, Im drunk as you read and I don't care to proofread.

Now, after that long year, I understand why my "step brother'" acted like he didn't want anything to do with me.
Why he acted like he never wanted to know. I cried after our first and final phone call.
To find out you aren't alone is a magical thing.
To find out that magic has a time span is a mortal thing.

There was money involved.

That's where our deadline started.

Tonight,
I found out that the other half of my unknown family (well at least the most prominent part) didn't want anything to do with me,
just because I would've taken money from them.
Simple green paper.
It hurts so much. I can't even lie when typing this.
It makes me feel like a piece of shit that shouldn't have been.
What kind of love is that?
How can they live with themselves?
When I go to the doctor, I can't even fill out my family's medical history because I don't know anything from both sides.
Mum doesn't tell me anything and Pa's dead, he had sex with a woman who willing chooses to withhold all information on "The Man That Broke Her Heart".

Why am I here? Did the condom just break?
What is my purpose? No one looked out for me the way they should've...why did I get dealt this hand?
Am I here only here to sow chaos into people's lives? It feels like that.

Money kept me from a brother and sister.
Money kept me from a better day.
Money keeps me from looking out for mum more.

And if you're wondering why I'm saying this here, it's because I don't have anyone else I can talk to.
I am effectively alone as I type and as you read.
I love heat, but 
It's the coldest I've felt in a while.
There's nothing wrong with the cold I guess.

A guess is just a fancy way of admitting that you don't know.
Blah blah, I edited this sober. Actually, this last piece right here is being written a couple weeks after the discovery. Nothing came true.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Saiyan

I'm young, hot, strong, and fast.

Why don't I feel it?

I think I'm fun, invincible, creative, and open minded.

Why don't you see it?

I'm a monster.
I'm just saiyan.

Later Days

Last Night

I couldn't really sleep last night.

I mean, I fell asleep, but a part of me was awake too.

I ate some baked beans mixed with grilled chicken, a can of tuna, and some pasta for dinner.
It was an experiment. A bad one.

That was half the reason I couldn't sleep.
The other half was stupid really.

I don't live in a good part of Philadelphia (from what I heard, not from what I believe honestly).

Last night, I thought about this news story I saw back in Baltimore about this little girl who was murdered by a stray bullet entering her home, while she was sleep.
A shoot-out broke in her neighborhood and the shots were just ricocheting everywhere.
Through concrete and plaster, this one bullet pierced...

This sleep, little girl. Gone.

When I first moved into this place, I was worried about that happening to me.
I couldn't sleep fine for a couple of days and then I stopped worrying.

That was the first time in a long time I thought about it happening..

And I couldn't call anyone to tell me how crazy I sounded.
Even though it isn't really crazy, more improbable at the time, I suppose.
Little lies at night, to tuck me in are what I need some time.

Sometimes I laugh at myself.

 Later Days, Longer Nights

Because th e i n te rn et

"I was thinking about it and I can't offer anyone anything."

She starts walking away. Then she looks to the sky and shoots up like a rocket. She looks like a shooting star in the sky. Not a sound is heard while this happens. They never see each other again.

"I'm not scared. I just wanna be with someone who knows me for a little."

NYLA

"What is wrong with you?"

THE BOY

"I don't know."

NYLA

"Me neither."

This is really sad for both of em. They really wanna know. Nyla closes the door.

They're arguing about driving, or cooking with coconut oil instead of olive oil, or something else they themselves will not care about or remember in a month, year, ten years, 100 years, the age of the universe. 

Sitcom laughs always freaked him out. Because most of those people are dead. Those are ghost laughs. Laughs that are supposed to be gone forever linger on earth after every mid 90s joke about teenage sex or someone saying "don't go there". Looking for their mouths, never finding them because they're gone. The laughs don't feel good because they're dead laughs. Those laughs aren't what they stood for anymore. They've been reappropriated. Now they're just sounds monkey descendants make when amused to cue other monkey descendants when to make the sounds at home.

 A family member was needed. Didn't realize that they were each other's only family til this very moment. When you lose that, you basically lose most of your memories, at least the accuracy of your own memories. 

I'm sorry we're alone.

"You ever think we're in hell? This is all hell. Living on earth and being the only ones aware that it's all ending slowly."

Nothing real is ever "fine". Remember this.

 

When You Fall

There's nothing really in my head tonight.
There was, just literally a couple minutes ago, but it's lost.

Those guys didn't think I'd do it.
I told them I'd do it.

Later Days, Longer Nights...sometime

Going Off

I've been drinking Dirt Wolf and it has me slightly open.
I just want to say that I'm not going to stop writing on this little island.
I love seeing where I've been. Where I thought I could go. What's happened to me.

Everyone should keep a diary.

Later Days, Longer Nights

1708 N. Broad St. Philadelpia, Pa 19121

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing when I see what everyone else is doing
I'm not lazy, there are things going on
But I'm kind of lazy too.

I try to look straight ahead,
Even when looking all around is really where I'm usually found
And some of my friends just go so far and I
Wonder, how did you get there?
Hard work? Sponsorship? Parents?
I don't want to raise my children poor
Like myself.
Although I'm doing okay now,
it's just enough.
And although I can buy things I want,
Its all trash to the afterlife.

I gotta be going soon.
Changing into whatever I fear.

It makes me ask myself "What can I offer you? You, who has more than me."
"Have you heard some of the things I say? Why haven't you run away?"
"Have you seen where I've come from? I doubt it, I don't even go there."
"I sold my life for 8 years. Maybe I could've done without it, like so many of you."

Later Days, Longer Nights

Something Old

Untitled

It was 9:00 pm.

The whole sophomore class was outside

the door,

whooping and hollering for

me.

All the jocks, cheerleaders,

and other popular people.

This dark closet seemed far from heaven,

with Alley Harmon in here,

but 7 minutes in here wasn’t that hard of

a task.

I was the cool guy now,

I could handle this.

It was 9:02 pm,

and she had barely moved.

Her black t-shirt tugging at her skin

made it hard to see her movements.

Alley Harmon was the type

of girl you didn’t want to be associated

with by social standards and

I could understand why…

Her sleek, greasy brunette hair

wasn’t as much of a turn-off

as her buck teeth.

People used to call her pizza pie,

but I think that was an

understatement to say the

least.

Acne ravaged her whole face

and the places where her

nails didn’t dig in far enough,

displayed her pus in all

of its gross glory.

I mean people didn’t really give me

a nickname,

but it doesn’t matter now.

I’m cool.

Music still blared in the

background, yet

their hollering didn’t seem to cease at all.
It was 9:06 and by now,

I had become a legend at Sarah Stone’s party.

Monday, everyone would know

my name: Tyler Hickee,

7 minute Heaven King.

This party was awesome,

yet I was really surprised that I even

got invited…

hmmm, how did Alley get invited?

The cool kids must be doing

their daily charity work,

feeding the geeky…

Poor Alley.

She just didn’t know how lame

she was.

It was 9:30 pm.

No one had come to unlock the door.

At all.

The music and cheering still raged on.

I started to wonder how they could keep it up still,

my lungs and voice would have gave in

by now.

It was 10:08 pm now.

The applause and music had skipped a couple of times.

Literally.

Then it was quiet.

The tape player kept asking for someone to

“eject disc”.

Aside from the repeating digital sound,

nothing else was heard.

This was bad,

but tolerable.

 Alley was still awake, leaning

over.

“I farted”, she said.

This was worst.

Thursday

Running, running, running, free, running, running,

"I don't know where I'm going"

Running, going, going, going, going, running,

My hands brisk over this green grass

"It's all happening"

Run. Run.

My mother never gave me the option.

But she never said stay either.

Run.

The thought of running seduces me.
I want to wrap myself in a blanket of euphoria
Drape it over my eyes
Like I've tried it all


Later Days, Longer Nights.
Pray for me.
Things are happening.

Since My Last Post Felt So Depressing

If It's Only Us

Let's Only Focus On the Day.
Tonight will always die.

(Life + You) x (Nothing - Death)

The world is ugly.
I'm going to let my fingers go on for this one.
I've been sober for a good while,
out of the nightlife and anything that comes with it.
 Tell me, do you believe this is all worth it?

I can't really speak with a clear head, but I do know that as I go on right now
It shakes me a bit.
I want to cry, but I'm holding back.
None of this matters.

We are the smallest dust particles on the cog of life's mechanical process.

That's it.

I'll enjoy my stay here, while it lasts, 
but there will be no legacy left behind.
The conversations, dreams, fears, my impact, will amount to nothing.
Very few people change the world. Everyone else just exist in it.
Don't get my wrong, I would love to change the world, in a positive way.
Kids reading my accomplishment(s) in textbooks, memorizing my name for some test.
But then again, did you really care back then
or couldn't just wait to turn in the exam?



I am an unique seed. It took two people to give me my special DNA.
I made myself with help from personal experiences. Exclusive to my life.
Although there is truly only one of me,
there are many others. 

I know what I mean. You need to catch up.

It's the way I see the world.
A big ole' paradox.
And once you understand this, you can finally breathe.
The Sun will be your pet and you may be shy, but secretly,
you'll want to be friends with everyone because there's no reason to ever turn anyone away.
We're all sadly in this together.
No one wants to do the things they are doing...well, at least the majority.
The world needs ditch diggers who love their job.
The world needs teachers who hate children.
The world needs police officers who wrongfully imprison people who just happen to fit the ID, just so they can move on up in the ranks to become detectives.
We need the ignorant. We need dumb worthless direction and bullshit.
The world needs meaningless things to happen, so they in turn become meaningful to us.
But you can't forget the root of your life lessons: they don't mean anything.

Someone has been through it before us. Someone will go through it again.
Someone has killed themselves to stop the pain.
Someone has persevered.
This is why I want to be your friend, so you know that
you're not alone. 

I can't write anymore.

"Life's the biggest troll but the joke is on us Yeah, the joke's you showed up"

Later Days, Longer Nights

Today I Say,

Fuck This.

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Refrain in B Flat

Can't you stay here?
You must catch your bus and return to a life no one wants,
A routine that the masses dictate you must complete,
So it goes...

Here, I running around.
Who wants you to be alone with the chocolate bar fumbling
around in your hand.
Its meant for two,
Its meant for two,
and you feel like you must wait to take a piece,
otherwise I'll feel slighted by your impatience.

Well, you got your cap that matches
the gown,
and well,
really,
who says you have to wait for anything?

I'm happy all the more.
There's the refrain.
Who knows where you can go.
There's the refrain again,
So it goes...

Later Days, Longer Nights

Rescind Life

Do not ask where I've been, for I can no disclose such information.

I can only say how I felt;

A child in the mouth of hell.

For the past couple of month and a half, that's what I've been.

By the end of this episode, I still won't be able to know where I went wrong

As a human being,

A boy trying to find his way like everyone else.

I've mingled with guilty demons and innocent hearts only to find that most of us have

Been misplaced.

Each day was a full-out battle to remember what life was like before;

I'm sorry to say that I've lost my footing sometimes with thoughts of

Calling that dread Home.


I wonder how many times I can come back from the dead.


When (If ?) I leave, it won't really be me.
When (If ?) I finally go, the same person who went in will not return
And I found the source of sorrow springing from the truth.

Something great

And bright

Was forced into near-oblivion, but a small piece held on,

No matter how razed you leave the land

Their salt will not kill the crop.

It will grow.

A small piece that learned things and

Felt pain,

Others and its own, that was totally

Unique

Only to this place, yet

Was it worth it? Did it deserve it?

Nope.


I will (?) return shaken forevermore,

Smelling of gray, thinking of death, for what? Not a goddamn reason.

God,

Forgive them because they do not understand

The irreversible damage they have placed on
One Man.



Later Days, Longer Nights