Between Me & You

Wednesday I prayed for a sign, an obvious one.
I get confused and lost and shit.

I prayed for the wisdom to decipher the sign and know what it meant.
I hate treating God like a genie, I try hard not to.

I'm doing my best and progress is still just that, even when it's slow.

So I got my sign and still didn't know what to do.
Asked a friend and he gave me his take, so now
it's a spinning wheel.

I only want to follow my dreams, so the universe needs to get out the way.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Alcohol

I write this from a space of pain as I am currently reeling back from a tough hangover due to last nights antics.

Alcohol, where do I start?

I remember my first drink being accidentally taken while home, age 10 or so. Mum had to work all the time and left me by myself since she didn't have enough money for a babysitter. While looking for food in the various cabinets, I opened the fridge and saw a deep, crimson colored glass bottle. I grabbed it with my small, innocent hands, reading the label. With words on it I would soon come to learn, it promised quenced thirsts attributed to this "passion fruit" it was brewed in. Flatly put, I was thirsty and took a sip.

I spit it out immediately and never touched the dark colored bottle again.

Fast forward to a Summer day in 2007, out Cedonia Ave. in East Baltimore. I was living with my aunt in this big home she purchased with her daughter. Me, being the shy guy I occasionally am, made friends with some locals who introduced me Jagermeister and on that day started the appreciation for something I would soon come to abuse.

I went to my first party in high school around 10th grade and it wasn't much to brag about, but someone bought beer their and I recall get trashed off unknown fun and 5.0 ABV.

Last night, I got trashed, but that was about it. I woke up late for my internship, making it there only 10 minutes late.

Now, where is this going you may be thinking?

I do not drink casually, I'm actually starting to learn how to have a drink or two with a meal if I go out to TGIF or Chilis. I see alcohol as a tool, only employed if I am going to a social event in order to mix and mingle more effectively since I have bouts of unexpected anxieties.

And therein lies the problem...

Today at my desk I thought what I wanted from alcohol and drinking. I view them as two separate entities.

Well, I think I liked myself better when I was drinking alcohol. I felt more of the person I wanted to be and it was only a lie, that person is still in me, yet I still used alcohol as an excuse and a shortcut to get to that person. In comparison to where I was last year, it feels like only I remain.
Drinking hasn't done anything good for me in the past years.

First off, I had no control on the amount. If I didn't feel it right after the last drop tapped my tongue, then I needed more. Binging was the norm.

I used to always go out and shaped a lot of friendships from that activity, right to the point where people think of me as a party.

I'd get around my roommates on a Friday night, start drinking, and we'd all head out,
all while I left someone who loved me alone.
I'd get stressed out about my job and the random curve balls life threw at me, resign myself for the next party in order to let it all go.
The problems were still there in the morning. More problems with a headache to boot.
I got pissed that my mum dodged more questions about my dad, leaving me with a 22 year cold trail, so I got trashed with friends from back home.
Waking up to a crashed car and my ex girlfriend terrified of who I was, horrible feeling,
yet I was numb to the full effect since I was so dehydrated.

I am not placing blame on the tools, only the man who used them.
Hindsight is only useful if it's foresight.

This year I haven't really been going out for a myriad of reasons.
I don't even binge anymore. Last night was out of character.

Thoughts of leaving the sauce alone entirely, I've entertained them.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Strategize

I'm so damn good at planning
So much damn finesse in it too

I'm so good, I abandoned both qualities in favor of a challenge:
No finesse/tactical strategy

But I need 'em now more than ever

I've become so fast it's nasty

And I need to slow down, not because she tells me I need to
No
Not even for myself

I need it because it's something I lost that I loved

I still sit outside and eat candy in the sun, letting the breeze roll
Still take the long way home to see more

Yet,
I've been sleeping on a bed of rice

Later Days, Longer Nights

I don’t belong here, and most of the time, it’s torture trying to find reasons to stay.

I Do Not Believe You

Kind of out and down

Regain stamina and go

Speed doesn't die

Later Days, Longer Nights

Eliminate

Words I need to stop using:

That
Went
Honestly
Absolutely
Very
Really
Amazing
Never
Literally
Just
Maybe
Stuff
Things
Irregardless
Always

Although "Always" is my favorite song by Panic! at the Disco

Later Days, Longer Nights

Action

Suddenly, I realized that I had a power that we all wield

I can change reality
You can change reality

The very fabric of existence is at our whim
How do you go about using this ability?

Action
Even inaction stems from action, just the lack of it

Action is the catalyst for changing the world
I already thought I could shift reality as a child and even now,
I find things lining up in my favor when it shouldn't

Time to get some practice

Later Days, Longer Nights

The House Will Always Win

So pissed.

Of course I wouldn't save the code I used to track you all.

I had it right and wanted to improve it, so I toyed around more and fucked it up.

Tried to go back to the old one and forgot to save it.

Back to guessing these stats  : (

Later Days, Longer Nights

I'd Like To Buy The World A Drink

How can I put this.....?

Am I here to entertain you? Giving you a break from the cyclone rush of your life, giving you a chance to see that maybe you don't have it so bad? Someone out there is bitching and complaining about trivial stuff that you claim you'd conquer in half the time.

Well everyone needs a break.
Everyone deserves a vacation.

And I forgive a bit too easy and love a lot harder than most, so you're alright by me.

I'm learning this as I go. Everything.
I take light advice from my friends, but my mum and aunts are mostly ignorant of what's happening and who I am.
I don't have any interventions or wise wizards to grant me words that weigh like relics.
Walking with God, I am a young man who is learning that he learns by making the mistakes first.

Entertained yet?

And I had a brief conversation with someone recently,
they said they're worried about me.

The child in me heard a condescending declaration, but the patient adult I'm becoming thought of it as more.
I'm even worried about myself sometimes, but not as much as I wish.

My feet strike the pavement as I go and I've been considering that karma is real after all
and
this was coming my way since I was 15.

All of this, this mess.

So I'd like to buy the world a drink
cause thank God, thank God...
I may grow a little late, but I get there.

I've run out of time in places where I wish I didn't.
Scored some amazing miracles.
Since I was 15, I've been doing some fucked up shit to people and myself.

Sorry doesn't cut it for all the folks.

And I don't know why I say I don't know
when I damn well do...
Been doing it all wrong.

Who knows who they will become or what they'll do in this life.
I literally can not believe I looked up at the ceiling today and said
"I gotta stop following my heart"
Can not believe I said that, can not believe it
________________________________________________________________

Last night, my VA friends said
"Go fuck 40 bitches man"
"Be a hoe"
"Go fuck some twins, you'll be fine after"

They pissed me off so badly, yet I didn't say a single thing
I almost blocked their texts
Until one of them sent me a private text that read
"Hey man im sorry"

Later Days, Longer Nights

Your Call

I intern at an events agency

Last night I went out and fell asleep in the club

Irony?

The place was kind of small and boring, a typical black party that I didn't want to stomach

Aside from that, it was a combination of boredom and no fire

I lost it for parties

My VA friends are pissing me off currently
Telling me what I should do
&
its a vapid solution to a complex situation

Not a fix for the partying thing
For something else
Not comfortable enough to type on it

I'm 11 songs in to this thing I'm doing
Think I'll stop there

Later Days, Longer Nights

I'm Kinda Drunk On Tequila

I don't like drinking and writing but here I go

I messed up the night for Gary and our guests

But Gary date said something about my mother, so she had it coming

Saw this Steve Harvey quote today and I had a "fuck" moment

He said:

"All Men Can Change 
 And All Men Will Eventually Change
But There Is Only One
Woman We Will Change For"

Fuck.
There's so much I want to come clean about, things I haven't said before

I know lately I've been saying the same thing in different ways but there's something else

I had some Gatorade that's fighting the alcoholic effects of my previous drink, thank God

Burn out before I write something



I don't think I can be the same as before

Later Days, blah blah, im going to sleep

Dominick Summer or Dom Summer

That's my artist name

My mixtape fire

No really, I think it's really good

I may post it on here when it's done, but I'm trying to find other outlets and stuff

Of course it got rapping and shit on it, but I'm singing too and there's a theme
Some songs are just instrumentals

I think I did pretty well considering I'm weird

Later Days, Longer Nights

Triple Feature

"It really is so important to find people who don't lose patience with you or get angry if you're being irrational or insecure or downright ridiculous, it is so so nceessary to be treated with gentless from loved ones and not to be made to feel like you're irritating or a burden"

Later Days, Longer Nights

Ego/Id/Superego

There is no even capacity

You're either more soul or intellectual

You have both, you just have an upper on one

No one had to tell me, but I'm more soul

I'm more crazy

Pushing the boundaries of my impulse's dissent

Who do you want to be
Who you are
Fine line that can be crossed with a single drink

As famously put, our Ego is the rider atop the brazen, bucking mustang we have called Id

Keep it in check, until the check becomes a problem
Then let loose

Here's Mr. Campbell with some more vivid imagery:

"Atonement consists in no more than the abandonment of that self-generated double monster—the dragon thought to be God (superego) and the dragon thought to be Sin (repressed id)"

And as Mr. Doyle says:

"When the superego’s judgment is no longer powerful enough to annihilate us and the id is accepted by the ego without fear, our wholeness is restored, our place in the cosmos is found, and we are free."

I've been riding my Id for a long time up until the beginning of January
And as Doyle puts it, you find wholeness when your ego accepts the id

While riding my id, I kept giving myself false acceptance
Acceptance that my ego would reluctantly take due to my id being out of control
Acceptance that my id would (gladly) take because it got to do what it wanted

Acceptance my superego never accepted,
a denial which led to hidden guilt

Only silver lining I could grab from all this was that since it came from me
Only I could fix it

I traded a bit more of my soul to my brain in exchange for stability
Still crazy as shit though, dont get me wrong
And stability doesn't come with airtight safety that makes you triple-guess everything
or
taking less chances because a risk's reward is still a risk's possession
No no..
Stability is thinking about everyone else

While I can confirm that I exist, I can't say that anything else really does
But just in case you are all real too,
we gotta share this space

Long as we know we don't truly own anything
My mustang can keep at rest

Later Days, Longer Nights

Emotionally Suicidal

I've started this new thing in the house called "Suicide Squad" labeled after the fictional DC comics antihero team

In the comics, its basically a group of people who take on these suicide missions in order to reduce their prison sentences

Grim shit huh?

When I started saying it, I meant something else

Lately, I've been so open and direct and skillfully careless with people

Gary notices.
Rian notices.
Phil doesn't come out his room at all and I could care less for him now.

See there's this gap that's more like a barrier
A barrier that doesn't push people away from me, but does the opposite
Which in turn, could push people away

This newfound openness
or I should say,
Super Openness since I was always kind of there anyway

London was a real experience
Those people think I'm crazy due to the barrier
And I've made some friends due to that lack of privacy
Lost out on some as well
I'm just having fun with it now

Maybe before I used to play a game or something
Tiptoe around saying how I felt, refraining
Why?

I should make it for everyone all the time
You can't go around asking anyone else or wonder
You'll already know
Everyone will know

I left a lot of the explanation out due to laziness

__________________________________________________________________________

I had plans ya know?
I had a dream
Now I'm just waiting for the results from my trace coding efforts to come in

Haven't felt like a full time human being in a long time and then
WHAM
I'm employed

I don't think there's anything I couldn't be

I will never, ever go through this again

Later Days, Longer Nights

Grandma

Thank God for the legion of Facebook friends I have or else I wouldn't have known that Sunday was Mother's Day.
To each and everyone of those status updates and Instagram posts, I humbly give thanks.

I had to work, so I couldn't travel home, but I called everyone

While at work, I thought about my grandmother and had to hold it in

I hadn't thought about her in so long and since I crashed the car I used in back home,
I haven't had the opportunity to revisit her old home or gravesite

I'm going to change that when I go to Dominique's (a friend) on the 22nd

My mind went from her to the idea of physicality, memories, and how death robs us of both in time

When I try, I can remember her face and voice
She was like my mother, but nicer and more sane

I can smell the biscuits she used to cook for me during the holidays
The same biscuits that tasted perfect even when burnt

I can hear her disembodied voice saying "I love you Trevon"
and
"Here's $2, go to the corner store and get us something sweet"

I remember one of my first Christmas celebrations at her house
Exploring that place in my youth, discovering something different each time
So many things

Everyone smiled there and I can only remember one bad time in that house
But due to our mortality and a doctor's misdiagnose, she's been gone for a very long time

And it's been years since I've revisited any of those memories

Her, my uncle, and my other uncle
Soon me, my friends, my family
All of you

I used to get so shaken as a child whenever I passed by a cemetery,  
now not so much

I barely sigh at the sight nor fully entertain the thought of where we are all headed
I'm here today with my memories and that's more than I could ever want because when I look back,
I have to try to find the bad moments, not good ones

Fine by me

Reducing whoever you are and whoever you were to a smile on my face

Fine by me

Later Days, Longer Nights

Since Tuesday

I haven't buried myself under so much alcohol and social gatherings in a long time
Maybe more than a year at this point

Mass celebrations and I'm not really celebrating anything myself
Should I?
Perhaps

Off to my internship Tuesday, still working my other job, finally got one of my worst tattoos fixed, and despite my shortcomings, these grades are popping

I'm happy, but I guess it isn't explosive ya know...
More like a tune you love that you hum to yourself while walking

I gotta sober up fast for tomorrow, gym life

Yeah, guess I could've skipped this post
I'm still coming down and with all these whimsical thoughts running through my head

I can't imagine a single thing I feel that I need to say

Enjoy the day and call your family

Later Days, Longer Nights

Organic

Gary continues his reign over the digital dating world
From OkCupid to Tinder and beyond

I sit alone and eat salmon after the gym

I'm content in my peace
It's quiet here and somehow filled with noise

Even with all the time to think, I don't do it
Even with all my data, I won't download

I opt to wear shorts outside to get fruit and candy
No errands, just eating those two items, while sitting Indian style, in the Sun

I'm (more) weird again
The people I met in London think I'm crazy
Good and bad
But harmless

He's knocking on my door to tell me of another conquest he's either made or desires
I listen and offer feedback
Never reluctantly since I love stories
Since I love how he's happier than I've seen him since last year
He came out of something really bad ya know?
Found his footing
Got moving

And he looks at me and asks where my head has been
Sometimes he already knows
And half the time I lie, half the time I don't

Nate, I don't want to hold onto stars
How'd you do it?

Later Days, Longer Nights

Bust Your Balls

It'll probably be around Memorial Day weekend
When I go to see Dominique back at her house

She invited me to a get together she's having and even if Gary doesn't wanna go,
I will

I've had nothing but great moments there, so why not take time out to feel the place one last time
before we all disperse

I'll probably do it that night
With or without liquid courage

Cause I'm going to have to step down in that basement at one point
Survey the plastered wall where a hole once was
A hole I put there
I don't even remember how

I'm going to look at that space and face a particular scene

Far from an actor I am, yet still dramatic all the more

And I know I'm making a plan that doesn't really mean anything more than what I'll say
Cause when I'm there, it'll be the truth nonetheless

Later Days, Longer Nights

You Don't Have To Read This

I guess it's too early for this shit
I just finished an online exam , only reason I'm up

This thing doesn't work when I try to force it
At all

Last night I felt off about love, life, and what tomorrow brings
Yet it wasn't big enough to dwell on
I stood up from that small cold pool & got it moving from work

Woke up today and I don't really feel it anymore

That's it
You came here on a neutral day

Only thing on my mind is this tattoo, Miami, and music
Suck it

Later Days, Longer Nights