Alcohol

I write this from a space of pain as I am currently reeling back from a tough hangover due to last nights antics.

Alcohol, where do I start?

I remember my first drink being accidentally taken while home, age 10 or so. Mum had to work all the time and left me by myself since she didn't have enough money for a babysitter. While looking for food in the various cabinets, I opened the fridge and saw a deep, crimson colored glass bottle. I grabbed it with my small, innocent hands, reading the label. With words on it I would soon come to learn, it promised quenced thirsts attributed to this "passion fruit" it was brewed in. Flatly put, I was thirsty and took a sip.

I spit it out immediately and never touched the dark colored bottle again.

Fast forward to a Summer day in 2007, out Cedonia Ave. in East Baltimore. I was living with my aunt in this big home she purchased with her daughter. Me, being the shy guy I occasionally am, made friends with some locals who introduced me Jagermeister and on that day started the appreciation for something I would soon come to abuse.

I went to my first party in high school around 10th grade and it wasn't much to brag about, but someone bought beer their and I recall get trashed off unknown fun and 5.0 ABV.

Last night, I got trashed, but that was about it. I woke up late for my internship, making it there only 10 minutes late.

Now, where is this going you may be thinking?

I do not drink casually, I'm actually starting to learn how to have a drink or two with a meal if I go out to TGIF or Chilis. I see alcohol as a tool, only employed if I am going to a social event in order to mix and mingle more effectively since I have bouts of unexpected anxieties.

And therein lies the problem...

Today at my desk I thought what I wanted from alcohol and drinking. I view them as two separate entities.

Well, I think I liked myself better when I was drinking alcohol. I felt more of the person I wanted to be and it was only a lie, that person is still in me, yet I still used alcohol as an excuse and a shortcut to get to that person. In comparison to where I was last year, it feels like only I remain.
Drinking hasn't done anything good for me in the past years.

First off, I had no control on the amount. If I didn't feel it right after the last drop tapped my tongue, then I needed more. Binging was the norm.

I used to always go out and shaped a lot of friendships from that activity, right to the point where people think of me as a party.

I'd get around my roommates on a Friday night, start drinking, and we'd all head out,
all while I left someone who loved me alone.
I'd get stressed out about my job and the random curve balls life threw at me, resign myself for the next party in order to let it all go.
The problems were still there in the morning. More problems with a headache to boot.
I got pissed that my mum dodged more questions about my dad, leaving me with a 22 year cold trail, so I got trashed with friends from back home.
Waking up to a crashed car and my ex girlfriend terrified of who I was, horrible feeling,
yet I was numb to the full effect since I was so dehydrated.

I am not placing blame on the tools, only the man who used them.
Hindsight is only useful if it's foresight.

This year I haven't really been going out for a myriad of reasons.
I don't even binge anymore. Last night was out of character.

Thoughts of leaving the sauce alone entirely, I've entertained them.

Later Days, Longer Nights