Go back to where you belong

It's pointless and consuming
2015 is done

Got some, lost more

And you can hold on to whatever bright bulb of hope you got, but it's going to be tested
by something dark,
by something heavy,
by something.

I wanted to go against the trends. Be the change you want to see.

People pull me in when I wasn't even in the position for that to be the case at first...
They changed my mind about shit, then right when I start to give it a shot,
the rug is pulled from my feet.

I should smoke a cigarette.
I need whiskey on the ice.
Need to be alone, more.
Again.

I said it before, then discarded the belief.
Maybe it should be revived?

I'm too young to be good.

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Wall

I'm scared of letting people know things about me
Having information
Then leaving my life with it

So there's a wall
to stop that

Someone told me my wall has been twisted into my apparent meanness or the sarcasm I dabble in
Maybe they're right

Letting someone in is always deadly

So there's a wall
to stop that

They walk away knowing why you are the way you are and the bullshit you went through and the victories
you've attained and it's just a story to them

You're a closed book

Later Days, Longer Nights

Stay Away From Old Pictures

I try to listen to the world and things that happen
Odd events

Sometimes I listen too hard and put too much thought in things that don't require it

Why did those pictures show up?
Why did I read that prose recently?

Why does it all mean nothing at all now?

From every day to nearly a year with no words

I'm not as bad off as when the end started
Just trying to understand the lesson, to become better from it
If it's even worth it?

Later Days, Longer Nights

Semper Fidelis

Moving away from the scene has never been so fruitful before

It hit me a couple nights ago that people leave an impression on me too easily
That shit has led me to too many instances where I'm thinking about someone who isn't thinking about my ass at all

And then it's so cool not to care these days
I try to go against that wave and it never works out
Rian tells me I'm one of the nicest guys he knows and he doesn't even understand why
I said to him,
"I'm in that line too."

So, I'm thinking I'll just stop meeting new people on such a frequent basis
I threw myself and my face and my taste out there and it's a fun ride, but I get exhausted by people
There ways and other shit
You can only do so much for someone who never had anything
For someone who doesn't even know what they want

Then to add on, I'm generally underwhelmed most of the time, by a lot
Not a good combo

I'm living life like I won't find love because it's harder this way

Later days, Longer nights or some shit like that

In Clinic

I wrote this about 4 years ago, around this time 
This was my first time reading it since then

I went right to tears, grabbed a shot glass, and poured a shot of cognac to

numb it out

So much flooded back and it was in a rush that I couldn't fight off 

---------------------------------

In Clinic

And he held me through it all

Never once alone

Even though I wasn’t ready for this

It was bigger than I could handle

I’m just a little girl in a big world

He knew it

And acted accordingly

He’s been through it before

We discussed this day behind closed doors

I told him how scared I was

And my fearful words didn’t fall on deaf ears

He loved me enough to be brave

He opened the car door

Grabbing my hand before it felt fresh air

We walked into the clinic by the other’s hip

In the waiting room

Everyone else sat alone

I filled out forms and
we paid $330

The value of life

I rested my head on his shoulder and led my anxiety to slumber

A nurse called my name

But we rose together

She said I must come alone

He kissed me and exhaled deep

Breathing more life into my own

“You got this kid.”

I chuckled at his poor choice of words

He didn’t mean anything by it and I knew such

We hugged each other as if it was the final embrace

Him squeezing a little harder as if I wouldn’t return

But I would, just one less

I walked to the nurse

Feeling tears trickle down my face

Soon a green pill appeared

Administered by the nurse

5 minutes later, I'm asleep 

30 minutes later, I'm awake

Feeling barren

Not as close to him

Just a woman, not a mother

My head swirls with uncertainty

But no pain

They gave me a shot for that

Two nurses assist me to the lobby

And I fall in his arms

Land in his heart

I wanted to cry again

But it had to be done

We walked outside to a blossoming Sun

The sky is open

Just how I like

He looks at my face

Full of refrain and regret

Gently raising my head by my chin

His thumb softly lifting my hopes

I'm in his eyes and he’s in my mind

“I’ll take care of you”

His warm had washes through my hair

I find my place in the world

Here

-------------------------------------------

I wrote this from the perspective of my ex
From what she told me and what I experienced

Before, during, and after an incident

That led us to an abortion clinic

And she wonders why its hard for me to let her go

And then wonder why I choose to live life like I won't find love

Later Days, Longer Nights

An Antidote

It's wild how some people come to conclusions about certain things/event/people

I'm sitting here thinking about how I knew things weren't going to work out with this girl

She was Puerto Rican, short,
long black hair that seldom sat at her shoulders

She was fiery, more so than myself

Her temper reminded me of myself....when I was 16

We had some good times when, but they were few and far between
Then she got on this religion thing and an assortment of other issues that caused me to have issues,
ultimately driving a wedge between us

But I saw it coming, around the time of my birthday

I wanted to go see the Goosebumps movie
I loved the series as a child and wanted to see the big screen adaptation

She was down to see it with me, after one of her other plans fell through (strike 1)
So, she said she didn't want to take transit to come over to my place and I understood...
I've taken that bus and subway to her place before and it's not that easy...

So I call a Lyft and the guy takes me on a roundtrip from my place to hers, and then back again

I told her I wanted to take a flight before the movie and she didn't confirm nor deny the offer

So, I'm heating the plane and she declined right there on the spot (strike 2)
I felt kind of offended because she attributed her denial of the activity due to some religious reason...

yet, we definitely have done the deed before in each other's presence, but fuck it

So, I'm up there and we are walking to the movie theater and I look at her and we're talking about some bullshit that neither of us remembered.

She's talking and I feel so close to her.
I understood her more in that moment than I ever have before.
This flight feels like God is pressing His thumb on my brain and I get her.
I felt stupid.
Filled with hot air and laughter.

And in my thoughts, I think

"Oh my goodness, I can only understand her when I'm flat out stupid. This ain't gonna work."

We had a romance, but it was too complicated.
We used to have a chemical romance, but then she got faux religious.
She was (mentally) too young for someone who was 21 years old.
If things didn't go her way, a volcano exploded and whatever fancy picnic you two were sitting in was covered in red.
She stormed off.

I'm too calm for that now. I know that swing of emotion and I can't even do that shit myself anymore.
I lost it. I replaced it. I don't even know where it went.

She kissed me with so much fire. It was exciting and unique.
I can't remember the last time someone kissed me like that,
if ever.

But, she's gone. Off trying to make a way on a disabled path.
Being full of pride and Christianity, that girl is going to have it tough.
Not in the way that paves the foundation for a good story, the opposite.

And I let her go.
I was the only one fighting for her, constantly.
She was the only one fighting, constantly.
I got her a job, helped her get back in school, fed her when needed, and did what I could to make that path easier.
We both knew how hard it is to be alone and ambitious, our safety nets burned at childhood.
The stress biting our heels, when we walk through our neighborhood and see people who don't even want to try.
Not knowing if we were brave for pursuing or dumb as fuck.
It's something my last didn't know. She could understand, but to feel that stress was another struggle.

I let her go because I grew, I tried, and I listened to the complaints.
I took advice and practiced evening out the problems I had.
I examined myself because I thought she was worth it.

She had no mirrors in her world.
She looked amazing every time I saw her, yet she had not a single fucking mirror in her life.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Do You Feel That Shit?

Normalcy
Normal, seeeeeee?

Practice peace with your soul and you're viewing all your mistakes through a telescope mounted on binoculars.

She didn't even wish me a happy birthday
whereas I
bothered my friends with questions and concerns on if I should've called or texted the phrase
when hers came around.

We came to an unanimous decision on texting.

But it was well deserved, the lack of reciprocating the act on my end from her point of view

I had a cunning plan last time I talked to her, one I revealed when it wasn't proving fruitful
I let it all loose like a James Bond villain near the climax, when the bad guy believes he's gonna win since Bond is tied up to some plank that's slowly descending down a shark infested river.

I let it all loose: my intentions, how I did it, how I was gonna do it, everything

Well Bond got a lot of gadgets, so as he gets loose to foil the villain's plans, so she unraveled my work.

It still kind of hurt. I mean, it was my birthday and all.
Fuck it, let's retreat to the infamous apathy we've all grown accustom

She had a head start anyway with it.


But im so okay now a days, its startling
I just know what to do from now on and it's shocking
I can't even think like I used to a year ago
I tried so hard one night and 3 days and half a twilight ago
I have people calling me, trying to save my soul....for real
They call and I listen, but it aint happening

The hardest thing to do is forgive yourself

Later Days, Longer Nights

Leftovers

I'm scared to take a girl to the beach with me

When I do that, I have to marry her

It's my favorite place in the entire world and I can't share it with someone who won't stay

Can't and won't

I'm someone's leftovers.
A couple of people's leftovers if you want to be a realist.

Picked through and ultimately discarded.

Gosh, it feels good to be melodramatic on a Sunday.

But in all seriousness,
we are leftovers.

People who found one thing, one thing that was ours.
Then you lose it, through whatever means, it's gone.

Then you meet someone else who is like you.
Rinse, repeat.

I don't feel like going into it anymore. I only came back to let myself remember that I shouldn't forget this space.

Hello.


Later Days, Longer Nights

Post Grad

When you leave college, it's harder to connect with a significant other due to work and other responsibilities you'll both have.
If you get together with someone in college and you both can navigate adulthood together post graduation, it'll be a more fulfilling experience since you both get to know each other in a more intimate way.

Or so I believe.

My on/off relationship with trying to connect with someone is coming to a close.
I've sworn off Temple girls and since that's what I'm constantly surrounded by, I'm basically making myself stay solo.

I've got everything else so straight...bills, work, food, most things.
Little drama. Loving family.

I'm not actively looking for a relationship or anything of that ilk, but I do admit it would be nice to smoke and eat with someone.
It isn't happening though.

I don't want to go out with someone just so I can feel like I'm securing one aspect of my future.
I did that with Chanel at some point and that (among other reasons) is why it was difficult to let her go.

I'm not perfect and I have many flaws.
We don't live in a perfect system, so what we perceive as flaws are only differences.
I'm weird and I need to learn that isn't a bad thing at all.
I'm a good weird.

I'm not out here murdering people or intentionally hurting people's feelings.
Mixing champagne with whiskey, listening to Tame Impala, and attempting to fix my resting bitch face is what I'm doing.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm not bad, but I'll never tell you that I'm good because
when people see good, they expect good.
I'm not living up to anyone's expectations, but my own.

While I firmly believe that college sweethearts have stronger relationships than the alternative, I'm not pigeonholing that part of my life to that idea.
If it's too late, then so be it.

Anything that happens twice is sure to happen again.

Later Days, Longer Nights

God is a woman, too

Someone will always love you
It's who you are
The way you think and what you do that
attracts people
You never need to be shy or
angry
You are warm and soft to those you know

You cry when you feel it
You don't hold it in
The world needs people like you
More of you

As long as someone knows you exist
you will always be loved

But not me

I'm not easy
My heart sits in the dark
most days
I'm rarely warm

I'm not easy
Worldly, fair
Tame

You sound like Christmas Day
You're free in the wind
with many places to call home

You avoid explosions,
the rain, disasters, pain,
moldy food, dirt, open wounds, depression, hunger,
fallen stars

You avoid me

We love you and you slightly know it
I can't say the same for me


Later Days, Longer Nights

Melissa, I'm Drunk

Unsure, unpredictable, unreliable and having a blast through all the confusion

Trying to overcome what I already know, my own hand-crafted limitations

I whisper to myself that I can do whatever I want, when It needs to be shouted

No one was there to do that for me, until it was too late

I don't want to be a bus driver anymore

I'm going back further in time, to that kid who wanted to be an archaeologist because of
Jackie Chan Adventures

I'm trying it out

My head hurts in a spiritual realm

And one night I went out by myself to eat dinner at a bar
I had a burger, mac and cheese, and a beer

I walked home and I felt good,
really good

I walked straight, my shoulders didn't hunch up, I was focused
Finally feeling as how I thought I should feel everyday
Except I wasn't sober
Then I got scared


I'm an artist somewhere
I'm sensitive about shit

Called mum and told her what happened
She asked how much I drink because my dad was an alcoholic
Something I never knew
"He'd wake up and start drinking before the sun was even out"
Something I never knew

I'm on the last stretch of these college years and like a lot of other people, I don't know what the fuck is
next

So, Melissa I'm drunk

I'm drunk on the weekends and working on the weekdays
Trying it out one day at a time

Melissa I'm drunk
and you all hurt me
You all murdered me

You all told me you loved me and never spoke to me again

I can't wait my whole life
I bought shirts instead, shirts that fit me
a lot of shit that fits me, very well

Do better than well out there
Because the difference between me and you is,
I know I don't have any other choice

Later Days, Longer Nights

Happy

Often, I don't think I deserve to be happy I don't feel good a lot of the time I've done good things but they are overshadowed by what I know I've done wrong and It bogs me down I could've been happy years ago and even now but I chose to be drunk and a promise breaker and a bad son and all over places so much that my energy was always low I want it now and I deny myself it No matter who wants me to be all smiles I can't find it in me to be genuine I wouldn't be this way if I knew or had someone to guide me or even if I just flat out listened and did what was right I can't connect I don't connect I fake it and by the time anyone notices its way too late for us to start again I want to be happy and it isn't as simple as just doing it or willing myself into that state It's complicated and personal In my head I feel like I suffer a lot compared to my friends I may be confusing that with stress I'm not sure anymore This isn't fully where I am so thats a good thing I suppose Just want it to tip one way or the odd

Therapy

I said I was going to go and I did

I went to therapy today and it was a waste of time


I met with a counselor who wanted a snapshot of my problems currently and I told him a few

"Ok, the next scheduled time we can fit you in would be.....September 28th."

Shit

If I wanted to kill myself, I'd be dead by now waiting for my appointment slot


Based on my current alcohol intake, he suggested linking me up with an alcohol specialist



I thought that was amusing, then I had a day dream of me passing a fifth back and forth between the shrink and I...
Gotta relate to the patient


I want help and I'm impatient at this point to get it

The guy who sees black when he thinks about the future also has a new internship for a PR company.
They reached out to me and well, I accepted.

Last night my energy escaped and it took me some time before I fell asleep.

And in between that struggle for slumber, I noticed that I lay in bed like someone is next to me and I'm holding their space while they are in the bathroom pissing nightly juices or coming in late from a shift or the club.
I go to sleep alone and wake up the same way.
Who am I saving that spot for?
What am I saving it for?
When I say I don't know, I truly mean it.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Summer's Dead

I've been trying to think of a life after college and all I see is black

Wanted to talk to my mum about it, but she's busy
Wanted to talk to my friends about it, but they can relate
Wanted to get it off my mind, yet im writing it down

The gym has been a bit helpful, not enough though.

I'm starting counseling Monday or Tuesday,
my own suggestion


Before I left for Michigan, I was looking at job postings on this website that only listed non-profit companies...
Had a crazy thought, I thought...
"I find no purpose in my own life, so maybe I can help someone/something else to achieve theirs."

I've always known there was something wrong with me.
Now it's a bunch of things.

Even with the gaps, I can't find my self esteem to be out of wack.
Still humble, so modest that people forget that I got it.
Except I know that whatever "it" is, isn't shit.

I ain't nobody.
And neither are you.

Still praying to God and giving thanks for everything that has come and will show up.

Stopping the connection before it gets too deep with girls, since I'm
still using my ex's shoes to get around.

One night she (not my ex, someone new) looked me in the eyes and said "You're wonderful".
We were outside and the breeze was slight.
I thought about what she meant and how I took it cause she's just smiling at me and her teeth are pearly white and she's so happy in this moment.
I'm happy too, but compared to her, I'm just gravel.
She's overjoyed and I'm sober from all those emotions that sweep you off your feet when the moon is high and life feels fucking right.
I'm there with her, but she's a shooting star and I'm a guy, on the ground,
looking up.

"I'm not good for you."

It felt like the bravest thing I've done in a long time.
Add another one to the graveyard.

I know there's no perfect version of me when

Summer's over.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Tuscan

Back, no long words tonight.
Just back

Down Through There

She's around all this make-up
and hot lights
What are you hiding from? Who who, who

She wanna blow this town
Get her degree
Smoke a lil tree in her new Jeep
Travel, see the scenes

And since I know better, it's the only thing we want

Drinking top-shelf
She ain't even gotta pay, niggas buy the rounds
Who are you trying to forget? You you, you

You wanna make it
Momma don't push you enough
Or at all, she say
You need to bring it home
Never missing yoga class
Stretch the stress

And since she know better, it's all we want

She don't want me
She just wants me around
And when I call her out on it
Saying I'm gonna leave
Don't matter where the club at
Or who bought the last shot
Or who know where the afterparty at
There's a knock on my door at 2:37 am
Fresh, french manicure gripping the doorknob
Turning

And since we know better, it's what we want

Until Next Time, Later

Ok, Updates For Real This Time

Howdy, forgive my impending post delays...

I'm going to Michigan next Sunday and I won't have any internet service so yeah....expect a drought.

I'll try to post as much as I can before I go, but in case I don't then know I at least I tried.


I actually don't have anything overwhelmingly wrong in life right now.
It's the last leg; last semester of school, last time to waste idle time, last for lasts.
Enjoying the simple things and loving my friends/family

I'm going to be dieting (forreal) next month?
I don't know what you want this time, I'm really empty when it comes to the "woe is me" topics at the moment.

The God in me is surfing and I'm taking in the Sun.

Later Days, Longer Nights
(Bless whoever you all are)

Updates

Coming soon...

Its 2:07 over here.

My side

3

The body is a vessel for the soul and heart
Allowing us to be able to express emotion in the physical world

The soul gives life to the body
Giving it the will to survive

The heart controls the body
Granting us emotions as well

We are one

Repugnant

I've been buying clothes lately, mostly shoes

and I see that a lot of nice ones come in suede

,but I hate suede.

Hate to clean it, hate how it feels, hate the texture and everything it stands for.


In other news, I got no new news.

Nobody loves us.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Know Nothing About Love

I don't know shit about love

and

the one thing that knows everything about it is some greater deity that I can't communicate with easily

It left a book about how to understand love, but its more like a puzzle I'm still working out

People have varying degrees of understanding love as well
Some infant, some wise

Well, to take back what I said earlier,
I know shit about it, but not enough for my liking

This whole month I've been buying one book a week trying to learn more about it
They aren't love novels or books of that nature

Most of them are books under the "Read Before You Die" list like The Alchemist and The Little Prince

Some are random books that caught my eye, old and newer titles

I believe
every story is a love story to some extent.
People, objects, routines, etc.

I want to learn so I know more, since I won't know it all

Later Days

Could Be

Today is semi-amazing

Last night, I caught myself watching Fight Club on IFC and even though I read the book back in 11th grade, I never watched the movie until now

Granted, I started it in the middle and didn't finish it all the way through, I still payed attention when it was on

I was right in the middle of it and went to sleep after the scene where Tyler Durden holds a clerk hostage in the back of a store

He ushers the clerk from the store and makes him get on his knees, with Tyler placed behind him, pointing a revolver at his head

The clerk is all tears and shaking, thinking this is it for him

Tyler tells the clerk to take out his wallet
He obliges

As this whole thing is going on, the unnamed narrator of the movie (played by the brilliant edward Norton) stands and watches this whole thing go down, clearly uncomfortable with Tyler's actions, yet blind to Tyler's true goal

So, Tyler is skimming through this trembling clerk's wallet,
taking out his driver's license and an old college ID the clerk saved

Tyler reads off his address from the license and coolly says,
"Now I know where you live."

Then he moves his attention over to the college ID and asks the clerk what he studied

"Stuff...I studied stuff", he squeals between sobs and shakes

Tyler hits him on the head with the revolver or something and yells at him to tell him what his major was

"Biology"
"Why did you pick that?"
"I wanted to be a veterinarian"

After a little back and forth, Tyler says,

"Would you rather be dead? Would you rather die? Here, on your knees in the back of a convenience store?"
"No, please no!"

He takes his gun down and throws his wallet in front of the clerk

"I'm keeping your license. I'm gonna check in on you. I know where you live. If you're not on your way to becoming a veterinarian in six weeks, you will be dead. Now run on home."

The clerk hauls ass and Tyler turns to narrator who berates him for what he did.
To this Tyler only says,

"Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessel's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever tasted."

The narrator thinks about everything that has happened from beginning to end, turning a slight smile on his face. Tyler then throws him the revolver, which to the narrator's surprise, had no bullets in it at all.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Aside from my butchered retelling of that scene, i thought it was cool last night and didn't think too much it past that. It was nice to see something I read visualized in front of me.
I went to sleep.
I woke up at 6:30 am.
I went to the gym a hour later.

About halfway through my session, I thought about that scene again.
I felt like the narrator after that whole thing was over....
I saw it from beginning to end, rather than just the beginning.
Then, I related it to a past experience I went through last year.

Even though I had caffeine and nitroc oxide supplements pumping through me,
I went far past those powders and pills.
Spiritually.

I thought how I could be dead or imprisoned or worse off than where I am.
The music in my ears sounded clearer and I even touched the very carpet I walked on to feel its scratchy texture against my palm.

I have the privilege to make choices
The freedom to walk wherever I want
Eat whatever I can afford
and some people don't.

As fast as I have it, I can lose it
Most people would reduce this into a quick "I'm blessed" and move it along
But I don't want to do that
I may forget this high and start to feel like my life is mundane or horrible
It's still here though, that rush
I'll learn as much as I can from it before it goes

Later Days, Longer Nights

Dirt

There is a path I've gotten off of

Silly, stupid things

I don't need to pray, it won't help at all

I'm filled with dirt and stone

Nothing can be the same

Where I thought I would, it won't help at all

I was wrong

So when it's time to face the sun

I'll continue walking

Right. To. The Sun.

Wolves

Nobody misses a wolf when its gone

Unlike the cat
Who comes by when its feeding time
Brushing against your leg to show
feigned affection
Otherwise, it's off doing its own thing
Stares across the room leaping
Up on a counter that it shouldn't

Nobody misses a wolf

Unlike the fish
Who said little to nothing
Staying confined to its space
And maybe, just
Maybe when you pressed your face against the
Glass and it came
 Swimming up to see who noticed it
Today
Perhaps you had a moment
One that was forgotten by the fish in
10 seconds
You?
In 60

No one misses wolves

Unlike a dog
Who may come closest to a wolf
Yet listened to its owner more
It stays around and only asks
For your attention when you're home

Nobody misses wolves

Because they don't belong to anyone
They're smarter than a cat and
Never faking affection
They're more memorable than a fish
And less attainable than a dog

You have to go find a wolf
And maybe it'll let you run with it
Speed off into the forest unknown
And just when you think you know it
You come to find out that you don't know
Shit
About wolves
Pack animals whose heart always lies
With its destined mate
A wolf is never really yours for a long
Time
And that wait is what makes them lethal

They're bad for you

Nobody Misses Wolves


Later Days, Longer Nights

Promise

I was reading a recent Humans of New York post that had a mother with her two sons in the picture

Her caption talked about how she promised her older son that he could take karate lessons and upon discovering the price for such lessons, realized that they were really expensive and more than she could afford at the moment

Despite the price, she said she paid it anyway because she made a commitment to her son and, as quoted, "if I break a promise, I’m teaching them that they can break a promise too. I want them to know that my ‘yes’ means ‘yes,’ and my ‘no’ means ‘no' ".

That struck a cord in me, 
a cord that sung a tune,
a tune in time to a memory.

I remember the first promise my mother ever broke to me. 
The first one that I noticed anyway.

It was 2003 and the movie Daredevil had been released in theaters. 

Although I'm a huge Marvel fan, I don't really care for Daredevil in all honesty.
I can't recall what made me want to see the movie, but 10 year old pre-pubescent Dominick didn't need a reason,
all he needed was a ride and an escort because the flick was PG-13.

At that time, my mum was my best friend. 
I was in 5th grade and didn't hangout with other kids at all.
My mum was either at home or at work, so she'd buy me videogames and keep the cable subscription on while she was away so I'd have company.
When she was home, she was my company.
Not to say that she played with me and my toys or even grabbed an extra controller to battle me in Super Smash Brothers,
but her presence was never overlooked when she was around.
It was either just me or her and me.

So, I asked her if we could go see Daredevil and she said "Yes, I promise we'll go" without restraint.
I remember being so fucking happy.
A movie with my mum. Priceless.

Except that date was never made.
I asked her countless more times after the first and she always said yes, 
yet we never got into the car to go.

The first in a series of promises that were broken.
They became a little more complex as I got older, especially when I was 12 and one of the biggest crutches of my life occurred.

"I promise I'll leave some food in the house for you. I promise I'll leave the key under the door. I'll be at your baseball game, I promise. I promise he'll stop hitting you. I believe you, I promise. I promise.I promise."

So when I read that caption and see what she tries to prevent being said so easily,
I see that I am a product of broken promises. As a child and young adult.

*AUTHOR'S NOTE: Look guys, I know the past few months every post I've written has tied back to me and my ex in some fashion, but this is where my head is for the moment.
It'll all come to pass, like everything else I've faced, so please bear with me.*

I broke countless promises to my ex and my own mother.
Other people as well, but they were the main ladies in my life.

It wasn't okay at all when I did it and now, when looking back, it's worse to think that I did that.
When my mum made me a promise or commitment and broke it, there was never any backlash.
I may have hit her with "But you said you would" a few times, but she was the adult, the parent...
My words may have held her accountable, but in the end, she did what the fuck she wanted cause she ran the household.
It obviously never ate her up and there were only rare moments where she made it up to me.
I did the same thing right to the T. Being so used to people breaking promises to me, I lost the value of that word and what it meant.

This post isn't built to blame my mum, I made a conscious decision each time to renege on what I said I'd do.
This post is only a detailed "Eureka" moment written out. 

I'm a 22 year old engineered promise breaker now.
And now I know, so reprogramming will be occurring.

And that picture was only placed yesterday....I got a lot of work to do.

Later Days, Longer Nights 


 

Cloud Red

Pretty sure I'm a guy on an island
Surrounded by an advanced metropolis
Still, I seclude myself to this island
Chipping away the outer shell of a coconut and using a sharpened stick to catch fish
While people across from me are microwaving 4 course meals
Watching television in 4-D
Kids hop on their hoverboards and glide

Pretty sure I'd look at the Mona Lisa and not feel an ounce of nostalgia
Listen to Sinatra and not move an inch
But I do smile when I see the sun
For it'll outlast most of us
It's my favorite star

I am far too young to die
and with that knowledge, I don't know If I'm living life fast to catch up or
get ahead.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Yeah. So.

I should've died already.

I've been drinking and realized I should've died by now.

The world I live in is broken beyond repair.

That's from S.C. to her, seeing someone else already

I was suppose to keep it G but sometimes I don't

Whatever

I should be dead but im not

I don't wanna die

I haven't ran from a fight and I won't start now.

Later Days, Longer Nights

The Type

I don't know if I'm moving fast to get ahead or catch up

The kind who fears the future, yet still takes it head on
I,
see it's a mixture.
Not a need or a want,
a little bit of both.
I want to talk to you
and it feels like our friendship is
aggressive closure.

She might know.

I'm the type of pussy who doesn't want to say the wrong thing
to her.
I plan what comes out my mouth.
I calculate the day and time I text her,
I don't wanna interfere, I don't wanna
interfere at all.
The type of pussy that sold the world,
if the world was a girl.
I need to get back and I can't I cant.

I looked into selling my soul until I
decided it'd be best to keep writing poems,
describing everything I'd say
if a miracle occurred.

She's burnt out and looking ahead.
"We had a good run"
"I did this for me"
But we got more in us baby, more that
I'm willing to go for.

I love her so much that I'd change,
even though that's opposite of the cliche'.
And I have no clue why someone does what's needed
once it's too late.

The type who doesn't call her to say all this where she can hear
my voice,
putting it all on the line as many times as he can.
No, I'm the type who writes what should be said
here.


Later Days , Longer Nights

Maurice

I can't even write this
My friend, he risked it all.
Waited his time, played a game and now, just fuck man

I gotta think about things

Me

I don't wanna talk about me tonight

I'd talk about you, but since I cant code, you're back to being the United States, Brazil, China, etc.



Sometime life feels like Heaven and more so than not,

Everything will work out

I try to pray everyday and feel it when I'm walking

Where I am and where I wanna go

Lord knows how it'll unfold

Ok I didn't wanna do this but I got to in order to advance this post

-------

Last week or so, I was walking back home from work.
It's 9pm and pouring out.
Rains hitting my face and I'm drenched, feeling like shit
 Thinking of shit, the shit I'm in

I wanted to feel so bad
Couldn't
The greater gears of the outerworld working in me
Cause I knew things may be bad in these seconds
Yet they are mostly good
----------

I want to be a monster so bad
I want to be a bad person so I'll have an excuse
Have an excuse, one that I can own the shit out of

But I can't play that card
Its not even in my deck
And as I let my mind go so far off this website, computer,
this space
I'll end here

Lord knows what I pray for nearly everyday

Later Days, Longer Nights

Vertigo

Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

Later Days, Longer Nights

Hate That Shit

Empathy

noun

noun: empathy

1. the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

   
   

   
   

   Empathy is a good thing naturally. Being able to understand another person's emotional state or situation is completely necessary to being human. Granted, even with all that, I hate that shit.

   
   

   
   

   Well, I hate how I use it. If someone is upset with me, I'm usually the one to take the blind plunge into empathy with the other person.

   "Look I get it..." is how the process starts.

   "Am I right?" is how it ends.

   
   

   It doesn't matter if my assumption was correct or not, there's only so many times someone can do that before it loses its latent charm and even its effectiveness. At an objective glance, it minimizes the person's feelings, leading it to a state of categorizing that no one wants to experience.

    

   In its initial use, I think its an awesome tool because it displays that you can be empathetic and depending how good you are at summing up your interpretation of what the other person is going through, it also shows how good you are as well.

    

   I'm so good at it. I've reflected on my use of it and I've come to the conclusion that....

    

   I hate that shit.

    

   I used to do it to my ex all the time and I still catch myself doing it, last night being a prime example. Sometimes, people need to vent and have their feelings come across as new and unheard, not rehashed and paraphrased by someone, especially if that person is the one causing the ill feelings!

   
   

   I let my hair grow out and cut a lot of carbs out my diet.

   Perhaps these things are taking me on a path towards enlightenment.

   I miss french fries though.

    

   Later Days, Longer Nights

Fucked For Life

It's a story I wish I didn't have to live
One I prefer to hear from someone else
But I guess it's a blessing in some sense, so whatever

Today I read a post one of my old VA friends shared on her Facebook titled
"10 Ways Children Who Grew Up With A Single Parent Love Differently"
I'll post the link at the bottom of this if you're interested

At first sight, I was going to chalk the article up to one of those generalized posts I've seen around
The ones that say "7 Ways To Know If Your Boyfriend Is The One" or "What your sign says about you!"

I particularly hate generalized posts
Especially astrology ones
They tend to highlight activities or attributes one carry due to a specific date you were born
Of course neglecting to add in the negative qualities of one's sign

In addition to that, they're pure malarkey

Back to generalized posts....
Yeah, they suck
You can't bottle up situations or scenarios into a list
No matter the length

I started reading the "10 ways" with obvious disdain, yet walked away with some enlightenment

Although they vary in degrees of relating to me fully, every single item on that list is a permanent semi-fucked up, semi-adorable quality I exhibit

I remember writing about #2 to some extent last month or so.
Not to say that it has all to do with my single parent history, but I hadn't had a relationship end in a long time, so I never had to test how I felt
When I'm in, I'm all in with someone cause I'm picky as hell and if I say I'm down for you, I am

#5 is a given, I'll do whatever it takes with no help, but don't get me wrong
I'll take help if it'll guarantee a higher chance at success

#6 is half and half....I don't fear rejection, but I do tend to ask what I could've done in order to not be rejected...that one is really a toss up, I'm only scared of clowns forreal

#7, man...
I realized that one on my own in February or so.

The rest are all tied into each other in my opinion, yet all ring true

So with this generalized list making, in my mind, some true assumptions
I see now that I am fucked for life.
Well, maybe not life, but a long time until I work it out

I recognize it's super unfair to put that on a significant, yet as I said earlier...it holds benefits when I jump the gun.
Today, It also hit me that perhaps I do an inverted version of what my dad did to my mum.
From stories I've gathered over the years, I learned that he hurt he my mum in such a way that she never forgave him.
While that sucks, he never came back to say sorry for what he did.
I think that hurt her more.

I can see it in her sometimes when I try to bring it up; some lingering sense that there was business unfinished. She only has to look at me to feel that.
I mess up/ruin/wreck things so easily and I always go back to make amends, if I want to.
Regardless of the damage, I tend to feel that I can fix it once I get back to my senses....

I have no clue when I'll learn that that isn't true all the time, maybe more often than I think.

After you do it so many times, the "sorrys" feel empty no matter how much you mean them.

So, as the article states, I'm predisposed to
1. Not accepting the idea of true love, yet secretly believing in it to the point where I'm waiting for it
2. Taking rejection and abandonment harder than others
3. Working independently
4. Having trust issues that dissolve into a love that dies hard once I trust someone

Fucked for life I am.
Although I will admit, if that's only a short list of the shit I got coming for me, it aint that bad...
aint that bad at all.
I know it's coming, so preparing for it is all I can ask

Later Days, Longer Nights
http://www.puckermob.com/relationships/10-ways-children-who-grew-up-with-a-single-parent-love-differently#.VWuq_YKCoWU.facebook