End of Nigh

So, guess you wanna know where I am now eh?
Welp, back home really.
I gotta help some people and take care of things before I actually depart once and for all.
I currently have nothing to do until New Years, but I enjoy the down-time before the moving starts up again.

I'm looking at credit cards and getting my finances in order.
Learning how to cook meals and applying for gym memberships--it's my new thing.

If anyone new meets me in 2012, they will probably say I'm too old to be so young,
and everyone who know's me now will say I've grown up too fast when they speak to me next year.

I worry a little. I think more often.
Nonetheless, it' the path I've chosen.
Come Feb., I'll be where I need to be until May.

Later Days

Winter

"I am going into an unknown future, but I'm still all here, and still while there's life, there's hope."

The Hangover

I'm trying to get away form these downer posts, but crud keeps happening.
Every day is a shift to whatever plan I have.
Right, left, up, then down
I dont know which way this thing is going next.

This life thing is growing out of control.

Sometimes I wake up and notice Im someone Im not
Sometimes I look in the mirror and dont like what I see

Im starting to get the hangover.
When the parties over and everyone goes home, you sober up.
I've been partying for a long time.

Even though shit kinda sucks right now, the weirdest part of it all is that I'm ok.
I'm perfectly fine with what's coming ahead and it irks the hell out of me because...
?
Can't say.
There's just something in me that wants to carry on.

Later Days

Acid Drop

Drugs
We take that

Later Days

And when you forget about her

She doesn't remind you of the times
No texts, no phone calls, nothing
You began to go on
Forgetting the face, never the name
Soon enough, you dont even wonder how they are doing
Because while you didn't make it together as a potential couple
You must've not been friends at all
She never makes an appearance 
Not even a "Hi"

Makes you ponder on whether the spot in your brain that keeps the memory is a waste


It's not a thing of pride
You just found a better one in life
So you wont go out of your lane
It just grows old
Cause when you start to forget her
You'll rarely be reminded


Later Days

Secrets

“After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were.
After the second, you see things as they are not.
Finally, you see things as they really are,
which is the most horrible thing in the world.”

I saw everyone with me
Literally WITH me
We were an unit
We were one
Everything was fine
Everyone was happy
All the music was perfect
The mood was set
I swear we never fell and never would
It was home

I saw the road as a long stretch
A couple of the people were left behind
But we trudged along
It was a little chilly
Not my favorite weather
The destination had a long line to enter
We climbed
Met some people on the way
New and old
But we got in
And it was worth it
It was real

I saw confrontation
I saw injustice
I was a mediator but it wasn't enough
Hands grabbed me and the floor was cold
All alone
I didn't fight back
They struck me
I spilled blood
And in a world where I thought it was best to get up when knocked down
I found I was wrong
More blood
More fists
Heavier lights
All shining on me so everyone could see what happens to the proud
The right
The innocent
We lose.
It was honest

Later Days

Kovu

Spitting blood
Pissing pride
I'm such a fucking misfit

Yo, on the real, no one out there is going to help me.
Worst part is I can't help my damn self.
Got my mother, my brother, my girl, and I'm still so fucking lost.

Angry at my power-less position,
Im down on the real.
These dark thoughts I have when Im alone.
We tried to be kings in our respective worlds...
Congrats to my crew members who did it (or doing),
But I've failed.
There's no sun.

Never met my Scar and my Zira been gone.
Don't no one love me the way I love them.

Later Days

Moving

I look into the abyss.
It cowers away.
The future stares me down.
I run.

So where to now ?
Virginia. Again.
NSU, I think you were right the whole time.

Later Days

Time Heals Whatever

Wassup?
Im not trying to have a long post tonight.
I only have a couple of things to say before I depart for my bed:
I started writing a new book and I feel like Im going to finish this one.
This school frustrated the hell out of me like 2 days ago and I decided to direct my anger somewhere, so I figured that a novel would be ideal. Only the first chapter has been completed but the direction Im taking it is really cool to me; most people my age and older can relate I believe and when you make art, that's half of the puzzle.
Gotta relate and ya gotta have a message.

Second thing before this is over:
Time heals everything. It just hit me today. Think about it and smile to the one you love.
I know that didnt connect at all, it wasnt suppose to.

Later Days

The Dark Side of the Sun

Everything's fine.
There is a plan in motion, people in my corner, and a woman in my heart,
yet why does it still feel smoky?
Failure is never certain and I just dont know what to do if everything I put myself into collapses...
Im the support beam, the foundation, so when if it all falls down, it's crumbling on top of me.
I cant take another blow, not one like this.
--------------------------------------

In creating something new, I destroyed an old part of myself.
I don't know what left inside me.
The wolf? The Alpha? That shifting shadow I've carried through these times.
I can't guess at what departed, nonetheless I must say take care.
Turning 19 has already bestowed perks to my daily life:
I feel higher, like Im basking in the view.
There's a new attitude I've adopted and it can only be described as a "yeah, I've was in a porno, what about it?" vibe.
I know that may look ridiculous, but its the only way I can put it into text.

Later Days

Forgiven

I really am trying to step up in this hectic life I live and it isnt really easy.
There is something I took pride in that I have to change about myself, so these demons can leave my mind and soul.
I used to love the fact that I could say (and mean) "I never forget. I deal in revenge."
Now that I look at that shit, it looks immature as fuck.
I know some of these people read my blog, I know some dont, yet either way Im happy to put it out there that Im ready to forgive;
Never forget, but I can forgive.

Amellia
I knew from start to finish that when I walked back into your life that something was going to be wild. Honestly, I came to you in pursuit of the physical, but it did grow for me into something more. I'm sorry I didnt feel the same as you did, I still got some growing up to do, but so do you. I let you down a lot, but I really did try to be the best I could. Recently, I drove by your house late at night (not on purpose) and, oddly enough, didnt feel a single drop of hatred brewing or revengeful thoughts, I actually wanted to see how you were doing. Hopefully you can forgive me for all that I've done, because I've forgiven you.

Desmond
You hurt me. You hurt my mother. I had to place a burden upon my aunt for 5 years because of you. I considered you the evil that men commit...and it wasnt even for a purpose; no aim, no logical reasoning, just because you could. I owe a bit of my unpredictably to you and a lot of my problems too. I wont go in too deep, but I (coincidentally) saw you about a year or 2 ago, driving a cab. I hid from your view, but I didnt run away. I never will again.
Then another day, we actually walked past each other. You were on that street near Lexington market, and I saw you walking up. I balled my fists up, preparing to strike you down in that bumbling crowd of people. I let the heat of my heart and old, fallen tears take hold of my whole being. I knew I was ready. I knew I could kill you, with my bare hands at that.
For that moment, I wanted to feel the life slip from your mouth as I choked you to death around all those people.
No one would've stopped me.
I know this.
I wouldn't let them stop me.

Then you saw me. You looked me dead in the eye and perked up.
I fought you before, but then I was a child.
This encounter would be different and you saw it. I was bigger, you had become frail as the years trailed on and there wasn't anyone to stop me from killing you unlike the times before.
I spiked your alcohol with the bleach and rubbing alcohol you threw at me, but someone saved you.
I stood over your sleeping body with the sharpest knife we had one early morning, but someone even saved you then.
Not today though.
When we got about 2 meters from each other though, I breathed. I exhaled and it was the purest breath I've taken so far in my life.
We got about shoulder length from each other and your head swiveled to see what I would do, and when we had our backs to each other, I could still feel the gaze in your eyes following me.
I can't hurt everyone who has hurt me anymore.
It doesn't work that way, I learned that.
In what you tore down of my spirit, you raised in my courage and now I never will fear another man again. I forgive you for all you've done because now I know that even if I cant stop someone (or something), Im still going to let you know that Im here to fight anyway.

Jill
Im going to keep this sweet, short, and painful. I loved you, you didnt love me, I couldnt get over it, I fought for it, I lost, I got depressed, I fucked too many females to replace you, I fought for you again, I lost again, I took it into my heart, I let it sit there for a long time, I got over it, I started back up, now Im the Alpha and Im good. Thank you for the lesson, I forgive you, but ya lost! lol

Later Days   

Random Spill

Well Im about to turn 19 in like 14 days, so Im just going to splurt out 18 random confessions that has happened to me since birth.
Leggo:

1. I have 4 tattoos
2. I got nicked by a knife wielded by someone trying to kill me.
3. I've ran from the cops and got away.
4. Lost my virginity November 2nd.
5. I've had to stay awake in two girl's bedrooms overnight to ensure that their parents didnt catch us making out.
6. I did love Benee, Jill, Indigo (not as much), and Sydnie.
7. I've had a dog, cat, gerbil, bird, and fish.
8. I dont like weed like that.
9. My first drink was jagermiester. After the first sip, I thought I was a dragon.
10. My first said I had a weird stroke, but it was working! lol
11. When Im horny, my eyes tend to turn red.
12. In life, I dont want money to be my success, I just want my mum, fam, and friends to be taken care of comfortably along with myself.
13. I wear a size 12, but I can fit an 11 from time to time.
14. I rarely get sad, I just get angry and anger equals energy for me. I dont know why.
15. I dont forget faces, just names.
16. I really do keep it a 100. I wont lie to you, I just wont tell you unless you ask for the whole truth.
17. I was homeless for a lil. Big deal.
18. I wish people I fucked with in highschool kept in touch as much as I wanted, but life has split paths.

Later Days

Sometimes...

You got to leave home.
I dont find my state disgusting or anything, but I feel the need to get cultured.
For some odd reason, I feel like I might become that guy who doesnt get out of here.
This place will trap you, I'm working on fixing that though.
Mostly everyone I love is here and there is a fear of the unknown out there, but is outweighed by this corporal spirit I have.
Sometimes, you got to leave what you know.

You got to love.
The past sends so many shivers down my skin.
At times, while Im in class or just chilling out, I think about everything that has ever happened to me.
I swear, it doesnt feel like I've done all these things, seen all these people, felt so much in 18 years.
Im not saying Im deep as an abyss, but if you were with me since Day One, you would understand to the fullest.
I'm not afraid to say that I've been hurt, I'm not ashamed to say that I've wanted when I couldn't have, and I damn sure never shy away from my actions.
I have regrets, yes, yet it doesnt hinder my progress.
Too many times have I opened my heart just to let someone in and watch it implode.
Not just girlfriends (or just girls I liked), but dad, mum (at times), friends, and even strangers (I know this one sounds stupid, but I'll tell you later).
My stance on it now is just "whatever".
Some people aint give a fuck about me when I cared for their whole world.
I took a risk and lost. Wont stop me from loving again, so Im ready.
Sometimes, the pain let's you appreciate the solace.

Lastly, you have to think about the day.
Everyday we are toying with our future. Anything we take in our body, whatever we learn, our hobbies, our vices, are possibly being passed down to our children, either through genetics or just behavior. I play, I work, and this past Summer has screamed the most important task I have to start doing: I have to plan. The day is special to me because it's history; every second, minute, hour will literally never come back around and it saddens me. There are no do overs here....
It is empowering and also limiting.
This past Summer hit me with the sure, blown fact that it's not just my future Im making, I have other people's world on my back to look out for and I wont let them down, even if they didnt do the same for me.
Sometimes, Im changing quicker than I wanted to.

Later Days

All In A Year

Is it self destruction? Taking these drinks and pushing our system to the limit. I dont know. I can't even tell anymore.

I dont feel like we're dying, but what do I know about the afterlife? We live next to the uncertain and knock on the door religiously. It's always something driving us there: the parties, the drinks, and the weed (I dont smoke though).
Could be a girl. Could be school. Could be just the thought of fun, an excuse to act up.
I dont know why I do it, but I do know one thing for sure: I can feel it coming to an end.

All in a year things change. I think that's too long honestly.

Later Days

A Satire of Highschool Me

The Tarzan

Here he comes, the kid running down the hall;

His antics are large, but his brain is small,

Skinny shirt, straight jeans, and chucks on his feet,

Everyone's sitting down, he's out his seat.

"The loudest one in our grade", some would say,

But nonetheless, he isn't one to obey.

Cops know his name,

Strangers think he's insane,

But he doesn't care, rather drink champagne.

Living life to the max everyday,

He makes sure his youth doesn't go astray.

When they ask him, "Why are you just so weird?"

He replies, "What's normal?" and disappears.

He says "Carep Diem" with glee at lunch,

Eating ten chicken patties with fruit punch.


Later Days

The Re-Introduction

Well well well, back again after the hiatus.
Gotta say, I didnt miss this blog at all. I dont get any comments, I dont know who looks at it, and it reminds me of the shitty moments in my life, but I'm still gonna keep typing.
You wanna know why?
Because I dont care.

Where am I now? Right now, Im back in school, new job, mo' money, mo' problems, and Im just staying afloat for now. Im heading to Temple this weekend to hang with my bro and hopefully drink one out for my troubles.
Let's run down the list of my current sicknesses shall we?

1. VA girl
2. Future
3. Money
4. Making it by while living it up

Its just the usual ya know.
Im going to get back to writing more poetic entries when I start getting some assignments from my poetry teacher...he's awesome as hell, but just doesnt test my ability.
My roommate sucks assssss, all he does is play pc games and fart.
Chea...that's what I go through.

Oh welp, till like Monday, you wont see me around, but I'll be seeing you.

Later Days

Jet Life

Man, being at school just feels different.
I dont feel like painting a portrait with my language today, so I'll cut chase.
Just...here man, it feels like the majority of niggas here are trying.
Feels like they need an attention fix.
Lame.

Then its just me. Chilling dolo. I dont need a pack of niggas all wearing the same shit (snapback, nike kicks, some shirt) roaming the campus by my side. It's just me and my occasional boys, but other than that, Im booming grounds.
Then some people talk to me. The conversation tends to end with "your such an asshole".
I beg to differ.
I guess its fresh for females to actually meet someone who doesnt want shit from em...mainly pussy.
Cant knock never knock a niggas grind out here, if thats what you want, go for it, but to these broads, I aint gonna fake on yall man. I cant.

I guess Im an asshole because Im keeping it a 100.
Kills how people say they want the real, yet shy away from it.
Aint fucking my grind though on the true. I just feel like Im living a jet life: doing what I want and not conforming for no hoe.

Not everyone can be "that" nigga, so why they tryna stunt?
This gonna be a long semester and I still dont have housing. Shit tough out here.
UMBC eats it's young.
Well, so does America when I think about it.

Later Days

Lift the Curtains

Hey there.
Back at it again, full throttle.
Summer is officially dead starting tomorrow and I'm back on campus with new situations, old friends, and static in my blood.
These past months were mad real.
It can't even be late nights and chill days anymore now...at this point, I just do it for the elevation.

Got a couple trips planned and fewer people missed from my past. Im loving it all, but we can step it up even more. I figure I sound like im talking in riddles...I mean, it is like 1:30.
Cya tomorrow, you stay classy planet Earth.

Later Days

Losing Her

I didnt think I would really finish writing this.
It hurts to type this shit, so Im going to just break this down to the components..
I win bitch. You lose.

Later Days

Queen of Elephants

There was this night I had.
I was out partying and having a couple of drinks.
It was all a blast.
Ya know, Im having the time of my life.
Then there was this girl who was smiling at me.
She's about 5'4,
124 pounds,
mixed,
and she was smiling at me.

She comes over,
introduces herself and we talk a little.
We found out little quirky facts about each other,
all the while having more drinks.
Then all of a sudden,
my cell phone rings.
I look down at my cell and pull it out.
Its a text message from you.

The girl from the party voice fades into silence.

In that moment,
Im lost.
There's no alcohol,
music,
people,
attractive girl,
there's no party.
Its just me and you.
To an even less extent,
me.
Its only you.

In that second,
the moment returns.
There's music of your eyes playing in my head.
It never goes away.
It makes me want to leave.
It wants me to see you.
I want to be next to you.
I will push it all aside,
to stand next to you.

Im always missing you.

Ignite Your Bones

Yes, I can feel it.
This Summer has literally broken me and from the ashes, a new phoenix has risen.
A bit dramatic wording, but I cant put it any other way. I like when Im able to see what I was and feel what I have become.
Its a difference. I appreciate God, my friends, my enemies, the threat of jail, the future, and everything else that played into this new person.
I actually have a plan for whats up ahead and I know plans usually get turned around, but Im pretty sure I can keep a level head with this one.

Im the only one.
I have no brothers, no sisters, no father,
it's just me and mum.
My family is on my back and this is where it all starts, with me.
My kids, their kids, they all will stem from what I do with my life and coming from a current life where Im surrounded by a majority of peers who had a head start, whereas I didn't, I look at myself and think "I want that."
Doesnt mean Im not going to stop having fun like I always do,
Im just going to head in a funny direction..
It ignites my bones to know I finally have something to look forward to.

Enough of this brooding mood though,
until next post, its as it always was with me,
never a goodbye, just a goodnight.

Later Days

Twitter

Find me on it

@WeWhereWolves

Later Days

Taken 4 Granted

I live in a generation where if you care about someone, it's labeled as weakness.
Its true.
As a young child, I always saw things in a different light...a shadow was bright shine to me, the clouds were always hiding what the sun was doing, and the stars looked down on us, not vice versa.
As a teen, I didnt let these street thugs and video players fool me. They were just heartbroken souls who were lashing out for losing out on a wanted love.
I have to keep it true, honest, and 100% in all I do, so when I say "I love you", that's the answer, question, and reason for everything I do for a person.
But what if it's a one way road? What do I do?
I duke it out. I let time take its course and see what our relationship turns into.

With all this love in my heart, I have to dream of ways to throw it away when Im taken for granted.
Yes, I may love you.
Yes, I probably do care for you.
Yes, I want to be everything you need.
No, I wont stay around if you think I wont leave you, just cause Im bound by love.

I just honestly learned this skill this summer. It is heavily useful.
People get comfortable when they think they got someone in their corner. Its nature.
Well, Im a wild card. I dont ever fit in the statistics.
I understand that this blog entry probably jumped around a bit from one topic to another, but this is the underlying message I have to say:
Don't let love fool you...it will always be, but people can leave.

Later Days

8.1.2011

Lines. They're all around us.
You either cross them or stand behind em.
If you're lucky, you might even be able to feel the moment you're standing exactly on it... the feeling doesnt last long though, so you either find yourself over it or still behind it.

Can you count how many times you've crossed the line?
Sometimes you can go back, but most of the time, you can't.
Leaving that old life behind is never easy...it's even harder when you continue living it and you dont want to.
It's not always bad to go past that boundary, nor stay in the same position.
Unlike most though, familiarity makes me, personally, anxious for more.

The duality of this past event is going to make me and break you.
Falling off,
landing soft,
climbing back up.
If it is the point of no return, will you be with me in the uncertain?

Should I feel bad for asking a question that can't be answered with words...

Later Days

You know who you are

I swear there's a chemical imbalance in your make-up.
You need to leave existence.

Sincerely,
Me

Put It Down

This one gonna be a quick entry.
Lately, I've been changing. Switched a lot of zones and Im at this new place, I can feel it.
People have done things that has been unusual. A couple of months ago, I wouldnt have been able to take it...I know it, but I've taken it.
Evolve. Thats the word for this summer.
Its different than adapt because adapting to something makes it seem like it was pressure to the change.
Evolution is normal and a gradual process, and I can say I've done so.
I see things different now.
I write differently, hell...I write better.
I love it honestly and the best part is that Im still growing, yet
this process hasn't had its setbacks.
Im losing a lot of people.
More than ever.
Its ok though....guess Im just pruning unnecessary crud out of my life, for good this time.
Something big is coming though...I can feel it from the distance.
When its here....I dont know where I'll be, but it'll be for the best.

Later Days

Thank You

Even when surrounded by the doubts,
I chose to stick around.
You did the usual and the newly created.
I gave thanks to you for one reason:
Because you deserved it.

This is now a turning point in my life.
You are not the whole reason for this change,
But a moderate bit is owed.
I was about to bind myself to your embrace
And break in two.
You wanted to get closer to me and I protested
So much.
Luckily for me,
I didnt tell you the story of my life....
I didnt tell you the demons from my past....
Kept you on the outside even when you begged to be let in.
I know you didnt try to hurt me,
But a part of me didnt know.
I gave you the doubt of the benefit and was slowly starting to change that,
Yet you showed your true colors before the transformation was complete.

Thanks for saying it and not meaning a single word.
It was a feeling I had forgotten about for a long time;
Deceit as fresh as meadow dew.
Even though these words come off spiteful,
I want them to display the opposite.
From the bottom of my heart and from the essence of my soul,
I genuinely enjoyed the whole story.
It has now come to a close.

Later Days

Problems

It only takes a second to feel something new.
The great day can turn night even quicker when you don't expect the change.
From the beginning, I should've known my life wouldn't be tendered with natural love.
I was finished before I started.
I run away to the world when I cant stand the truth,
Yet no matter where I go,
Its not far enough.
I dont know why today is the day I finally realized how little I have.

There are thoughts I cant hold back anymore and its tearing me apart,
A whole multitude of feelings I have yet to feel.
I cant just make them appear,
They are the type that come from elsewhere.
I will never be blessed with those emotions.
I dont know why today is the day I finally realized how little I have.

When everyone left me, no one called to see if I was ok.
They just left me alone.
With that I saw how my life really was.
The person claiming to love me abandoned me when I needed her the most.
The person calling himself my "brother" didnt try to stop me.
The person who raised me looked at me with those eyes of contempt and disgust.
All in all, I saw their true colors, and thats why I hate them.
Even as I type, something ancient is pouring out of me and I fight to keep it back.
Im apart of the broken.

The life I live is a lonely path paved with good intentions.
The people in it say things to me that I believed,
But act in the opposite manner.
Holding this all together isnt worth it anymore.
It hurts. It hurt the whole time. I just noticed the pain.

It may be a good idea to disappear for some time.
I want people to look for me,
But they wont.
It isnt a game of chase either.
I just dont think Im ever thought of in the way I want.
I dont know why today changed my life.
Maybe it was the signs or perhaps the lights.
Doesnt matter anymore.
The hardest part of this is leaving.

Later Days

Yoooo!

Im still alive !

Have some posts by the end of the summer probably.

Gotta live the stories in order to tell em.

Later Days

100th Post

Damn....100 posts of me saying how bullshit I think my life is and how other shit is bullshit.
What an achievement! lol.
I figure I wont be making any posts for some time since Summer is here and I'll be out and about, but thats a good thing.
When I do get back to this lost world, I'll have too many stories to tell and I hope you enjoy reading it.

So until then, as always .....
Later Days

So Neglectful

Im so neglectful to people who care about me.
I need to just sit down one day and have a long conversation with people in my cellphone...whether we talk or not. I always say how I have a lot of associates, but thats cause I make it that way.
Associates can become good friends easily, just takes a little effort.
I dont know what made me think about this, yet Im happy it did cross my mind.
Aside from that, I've opened up a tumblr account. Its kinda entertaining. Im trying to get my page up to par with my other friends.
Dont worry though.....blogger will always be my first love.
Today is the last day of school technically and Im going to be here till like 9 pm, and check out takes place at 8 pm.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

Later Days

Patience is a Vice

Im trying kinda.
Im out there trying to work something out.
I've played my part and now here comes the hardest role of it all: patience.
I dont get why I have to wait when they make it seem like its hard to get.

That shit is a piss off. If Im trying to talk to you, then let me do so.
I know your not a slut. I wont think your "easy" if you keep contact on a heavy basis.
We both know you wanna be chose...so let me just pick you.

Matt says I just gotta wait, but Im thinking otherwise.
I never get what I want. I always get what I dont want. Irony.

I think it may be the end of my rope....the wolf in me is getting tired.

On a side note, I cant believe my ex stole my shirt. I really dont like people coming into my home and taking things without telling me. I know that was random, but that really angered me.
The last couple of days to Summer break is becoming irritating. Fuck.

Later Days

She Only Likes Me for My Penis

Drunk sex,
sober regrets,
all mixed in a misleading context.
You can take my hand at night and deny my kiss in the daylight, so what does that mean to me?
For living in the moment, I gotta pay that bittersweet price of feeling euphoria;
always wanted, yet least expected when greeted.
I cant figure out your mind when the Sun is out and we're driving around town.
Keeping it G is a hard task as I catch you smiling at me with half effort to hide the act;
stuck in the scene, thinking about things that will never be.

"Its going to happen if its meant to be." What neophyte mortal uttered such a lie?
If I believed in that, then destiny and changing fate are the only options for me, so should I chase a dream or never go to sleep? This cognitive dissonance isn't healthy.
I came back for you, and I never even made the promise to do it.

A little more than a little bit....thats how much I want you.
Try another target....thats what I should be doing, but I wasnt ever really one for rules.

Later Days

Im Tired

There's all these words I have to say to you.
There's a whole other life I want to live with you.
There's more feelings I have yet to feel with you and I can't do it.

Im tired of holding on to someone I should've let go.
If thats the case, now I know.

Who was wrong?
Who was right?
Did I apologize enough times?
Did you even say sorry for your crime?

Im tired of maintaining my grip on a slipping handle.
If thats my situation, now I know.

The fuck I gave was you, when I should've amputated my middle finger, but
my excuse was love.
Now Im tired; bags under my eyes from waiting on you to realize.
Now Im stretching, getting up from the spot I've occupied for some time.

Im tired of being tired.
Im going outside to play.

Later Days

I should be studying

All this hate would incinerate a normal person to ash, but it keeps me warm at night.
Love is a fastball thrown that I couldn't catch, so cupid takes the strike.
I wanna be free and chained to wherever you lead, yet oxymoron's are never easy to complete.
I tried to kill myself 3 times at once, but Cerberus wouldn't eat me alive.

Thanks for noticing and thanks for passing me by.
Thanks for loving and fearing me at the same time.
Take care is what I always say, but whats the point?
You probably wont ever know I wrote this for you after you ignored my text.

Later Days

Mondays

In a moment of weakness, I sent this text message summing up all of my feelings and thoughts on what I can never have to someone you probably dont know. Right after class, I went out into the morning sun and hit the send button without looking back or second guessing my actions. I had nothing to lose in the first place, so I figured why not? Then I retreated into my head; it's a privilege and a pleasure, although Im kind of under the weather, but then again...technically aren't we all?

It feels like Im going through a lot of stuff at the moment, but Im not; smirking while I rather sulk and dieting when I only want to eat her heart. I swear she doesn't want me to be happy with anyone, not even herself. It dawned on me in a dream not too long ago and from then on, the touch of others has lost its sensation. All these epiphanies are hitting me at a bad time, so I guess it's karma. I never had a problem with karma though because if I committed an unsavory act, I always prepped myself for the consequences at hand. I wonder who I did wrong all those years ago to feel this way now. If its a curse, I dont think the cure could be anymore desired, yet if it's only life and nature, I dont want death to be my savior.

She responded with a feigned cheery greeting and got right to business by the next sentence. She was confused by my message and asked for an explanation. I looked at the text and felt a glimmer of relief; part of me wanted her to call just so I could hear her voice. This could of been my chance, a counterfeit opportunity to try again; I never give up on anyone, I just take occasional hiatuses. Here I am, looking at that message with an empty gaze and a blank mind too with an urge starting to construct itself from my stalling. This impulse to respond with a novel long description of what I meant soon broke lose in my brain; swiftly pulling words of vigorous unity out of the corners of my head into a coherent definition of what I want and why I want it. A breath of hope eased it way out from my soul, but that was all. I just read the message with an intent to act, but nothing else followed the thought.

I didn't reply.

Later Days

Tell Me How I Lost My Power.

Its the highs and the lows.
The manic and the depression.
At every peak, there is a cliff where it all falls down.
Before I jumped, a sign was at the entrance. It read "Welcome to Rock Bottom".

Teenage angst is delicious when its happening to others, but when Im the victim, I dont laugh as much.
These melancholy shifts I experience are far from a delight. Im listening to "Everything is Alright" by Motion City Soundtrack just so I can hear a lie with a tune.
Im a wolf at heart, a hunter in spirit, so I dont know what to do when there's nothing to catch. I used to be better than this, another time ago. For the first time in my life, I dont know what to do.

Its not even about the hunt, its just the fact I have no one to fall on. This is my digital diary...no need to lie to myself. Looks like Im falling apart...ew.

Im sleepy, I cant say anymore. The demons wont allow me.

Later Days

Who Are You ?

Thats a difficult question.

Im trying to get away. Im trying to fall in love without being reminded of the previous leap.
Im a lot of things that aren't working out, yet luckily for me, I never have doubt.
Maybe Im dreaming about that too; being a lonely fool has its perks when you want to lie to yourself.

I thought I heard her say "Dominick", but it was really "Derrick".
She gets revenge on me everyday by being hallowed as an unrequited love, so I just keep destroying the monument. I wish I could say thanks for the memories, but that would be bittersweet.

When your face is numb and everything looks like the back of your eyelids, it feels right. I got these demons I can't let out, so I sedate them with drinks or feed them hearts, whichever comes first.

I cant do that question justice honestly. There's a lot about me I can and can't explain. Its weird, but reassuring. Those first two things are just the simple aspects floating around in my mind right now.

I want someone, but I dont know who that is.
I want something true. Someone tell me something new.
Dont worry, Im even getting confused.

Later Days

Neon Wolves

Late post. Just got back from my nigga Matt's friend's place. I know, a tongue whirl there.
Wont be a long entry because I have class at like 8 am and its 2:33 am. I like pushing my limits, so when I crash, its all the more disastrous.
I deal with chaos, what else would you think??
Night bitches

Later Days

Social Animal, Erotic Cannibal

So today was funny. My friend's girlfriend told me a Junior wouldn't be interested in me just because Im a Freshman.
Kinda hurt my feelings, I dont know why though.
I guess someone putting a cap on my potential really fucked my self-esteem up. I just want to stick my snicker dick in a vanilla chick! lol

I lied by the way. Im a social animal and a social pariah. A fucking walking jonah looking for a jezebel to eat out with some caramel syrup.
My mind has been warped a little this week as you can tell by the past posts. I like it personally.
Nothing but energy and randomness.
That reminds me.... what does this say: U R COOT
If you said "you are cute", then thank you. I wrote it on a piece of paper, flashed it at this random girl jokingly and see shot a look of disgust. People take everything seriously now-a-days...shawty just need to do some blow with me and relax.

Later Days

Uhmm...

Im thinking about making a lot of music during this summer.
I got problems that need to be let out.
I had a dream that I ran away from home cause some guy with candy said follow me.
After that, I looked for a zoo so I could pet a Bengal cat. I figured out the meaning though....
death reminds me of glory: sweet, but full of traps.

This diary isnt hidden. I want someone to find this and tell me how fucked up I try to make my life seem.
I want that wish just so I could beat the shit out of them and tell them it isn't fucked up, just unhinged.

Later Days

Thoughts on Highschool

What if you woke up in the middle of the night and realized that for 4 years you were living a lie?
I died knowing I tried to exchange 5 months for all that time.
We sung those songs of apathy and indifference in class without really understanding the blatant message; it was painted yellow in front of a green canvas.
Nothing really did matter.
Nothing they said or did had weight to hold us down, we gave it weight.
In the life we hoped to lead in those halls, we breathed life into petty situations that grew out of our control.
I suppose its me growing up in my mind to see these cruel blueprints of secondary education.
It feels like someone has taken me off the assembly line, so Im walking with these legs of my own design.

Playboy

I can't learn the lesson any more thorough.
My mind and heart has total understanding over what I do, but I still do it, even when it hurts more every time I have to let go.
There are people who come in my life and they want to make me happy.
They do the unthinkable, say the impossible, and make me feel ways I can't express with words.
I take their problems and make it my own, holding all their burdens upon my scarred back.
They fall for me and I fall for them, but I can't let them in too close.
They want all of me and something I can't explain wont let them have it. I let good people go with reluctant ease.
That sad girl (whoever it may be) could give me the universe in a box from God Himself and I wouldn't be able to give her the full extent of my love.
Its beautifully tragic.

Maybe Im trying to still get over a regret...
Perhaps its just a problem...
Im not sure. Sometimes I think its Shirley haunting my heart, like she wanted to do from the very start of us meeting.
She was always someone I couldnt ever really let go of, but thats a theory all in its own.
Normally with girls, I feel different measures of dragons (the male equivalent to butterflies, I coined the term). I can remember a couple of girls who set my stomach on the edge of painful bliss, yet as far as I recall, I wasnt able to kindle a relationship of my liking with them.
Its beautifully tragic; I get what I dont really want, but never what I need and honestly, I believe those girls who give me heavy dragons are beyond remarkable; that female would be, in my mind, unparalleled to most humans on Earth. I guess you could say a true soul mate....perfect, perhaps?
Ha, look at me drone on with this shit, but Im not going to stop. These are really locked thoughts that should've remained as such, but I dont really care. Im probably just a thrill-seeker, forever chasing that first feeling.


"There's no content for you in what you have for you're forever finding something dearer, some other thing because you have it not."

Later Days

#realtalk

So Saturday I had a conversation with a nigga.
We kept everything 100.
He got me thinking about some things that been bothering me lately, but I walked away with a couple lessons:

Its might take a long time, but Im going to get everything I want in due time.
There's no pain that equals to losing your first love...at all.
Money is the problem and the solution.

It was weird how we got to talking about this type of shit because it was the first time I ever met him.
He was hanging out with my friend Durre and we was chilling at this lame party. There was a small fire near the ping-pong table outside and he came over with a cup in hand. He just straight up asked me "Do you ever think about ya first love?"
I told him yea and it shot off from their.
He was older then me, so of course some wisdom was dropped and he got me thinking about how everything is compared to how it was, so now I see all my changes in a different shade.
Thats a different post for a calm day.
On a looser note, I never seen soo many people happy over the death of one person. Its sad to me. Justice is serving time than just killing the criminal.

Later Days

Kill People.Burn Shit.Fuck School.

Who else is with me?
We can't end this war, but by God, we can start a revolution.
Let's kill all the patriots, impaling them on the staff of their American flags for the tyranny and lies sown into our past.
I want the blood to slowly drip to the soil as we sing "this land is your land, this land is my land" to the tune of their last gasps.
If loving one another was our only job, there would be no recession,
but somewhere along the lines we got greedy with all that money in our hands.
Kill the people. Kill the dreams. Kill the fears. Kill for the thrill of free screams.

Take up your smores and chocolate! Let's start a bonfire on the Smithsonian Museum.
It doesnt look like we, as a society, are going anywhere worth mention.
Shit happens and change is the only thing constant in life, so let's kill tonight.
Burn shit. Burn it all. If I watch the world burn, I might fall in love with it.

How can I make a history with no future?
For the pursuit of knowledge, I must bury my entire life in debt;
forget academic hopes, Im skipping class again.
Someone please strike me down, so I can become more powerful than they've ever imagined.
Fuck school. Fuck money. I just wanted to make it.

Later Days

In The Middle

I deal with oxymoron's and confusing feelings all the time.
Come by once in a while, but dont be seen please because
when I look at you, I can only see my greatest joy and ultimate mistake.
You are a vessel of fear that sends my heart on shock, so I run away when I crave your touch.
Running away...
ha, how that does me so much pride; It's pretty useless really when my thoughts opt to sit and wait for your arrival.
Never ending are these physical strides; leaping and jumping happen too because the goal is to get away from you.
But whats the point? Wheres the prize? I can't run away from you without fleeing what makes me.
My image is yours to a certain degree, so I end up trying to escape a wilderness of mirrors.
In the middle isn't where you belong, beating myself up, knowing this fact all along, yet I have the answer.
I'll put you ahead, where anything from birth to death can happen.

Later Days

If I Ever Leave

When its time to go, I'll give up my hopeful wings and head forth with a level head.
No more random encounters to seek nor dates I try to plan around your closed schedule.
I'll go home and sit alone upon my throne.
Until then, I'll never go to sleep on those dreams of possibilities.
I could save your life in so many ways; count the number of times you claim I've scared you and just take into account the number of times I've made you happy.
Think of the ways I can make you smile.
You're stuck in the past, a history of grief.
I should reconsider these words, but I can't let you stay there. There's a brighter fate for us.
There's nowhere for me to turn and no place to hide; all the rocks are overturned and I dont want to miss you seeing me gaze in your eyes.
If I ever leave them, I dont think you would care.
If I ever leave, I dont think you would want to be reminded of me.

Later Days

New Turns

Havent been on here in a minute...
found myself around towns.
Im just trying to make new turns here and there, because I'm the only one who knows best about getting lost and found.
Summers getting closer.
Winter looks like it was never here.
When I close my eyes, I see nothing but the delightful chaos I've always wanted to live in all around me.

Later Days

So What

My head actually hurts tonight. I guess I was on the computer too long.
Hope this weekend gets me where I wanna be.
Lost in unfamiliar streets.
Short post, bed calling
Night

Later Days

Separate Lives

More confidence and less fear...

Maybe we living separate lives. Nothing seems to line up for us. I dont know if you've recognized.
Im acting like a different person; a stranger to myself. This is new for me too. I dont know why I do the things I do, but its just what I do.
You are steady losing the magic that opened my eyes to your true beauty. The butterflies you gave me upon first sight are dying one by one in a love genocide.
We still trying to make this work and happen for the best, although the best times we have together are only when we having sex.
Maybe we living separate lives, only destined to intersect at a later time.
You say come to you like a man and speak my thoughts and feelings without restraint.
Honestly, deep down, I think you're scared to lose me.
On the surface, it looks like Im not afraid to live on without you because
I need you a little less every time you say you love me, and I ask why.
The answer never goes beyond "because I do".
This crazy train is reckless and we're speeding at different sides.
Maybe we'll collide.
Maybe we'll die.

Later Days

Get Off My Back

These are good days. I can feel it.
I got my singing voice back and I'll probably pen down a couple songs like I used to do in 9th grade. My friend Matt said he'd teach me guitar, although I know he prolly frontin', but I still appreciated the gesture.
Heats coming by quick and I got some big decisions to make.
School, the future, my odd future....
they are all swoopin' in quick and Im just gonna take it all in stride.

No one can ever help me with these things, so Im in it to win it all alone.
I love the confusion present, but how I wish past ghosts would get off my back.

Later Days

Blowin' Up my Phone

Starting to anger me.
Got nobodies talking in my ear...
Got everybody hear you ridicule me...
You must've forgotten who was on the other line.
Dominick.
#1 in rank of "Not taking your Bull"

Later Days

Texts From Last Night

11:35 pm
How do you treat someone you love so bad?

11:43 pm
I am not going to let you make me into a weak bitch.

11:45 pm
I fucking hate you. It is all your fault.

11:48 pm
You are a piece of shit for making me cry all the damn time.

11:54 pm
U horrible fuck.

12:04 am
U are cold and unaware

I dont know when I became this guy, but Im guessing it was over time.
I dont know when I became this monster, but I guess its a part of my life.

Later Days

One of Us

Im totally time displaced.
Its Tuesday, yet I swear if I had to bet money on it, I would tell you it feels like Thursday.
Just took my mythology test (I know, wtf was I thinking), hope I pass it.
Ready for this week to be done, next week will yield so much more variety for me, especially since I just found out that I have a test next Thursday.
Thank God for syllabuses!

This life thing is pretty drawn out, but Im pushing for 80 degree weather all the time.
Khaki shorts and white v-necks.
Chucks laced up.
Summer will be ready if I already am.
I find it a laugh riot how people are just scurrying to get their "summer body" in time for May. I had my own body ready since January.
Takes discipline and work to be one of us.
The ready.

Later Days

Poison For Two

Oh, I thought I was done drinking poison for two.
These bright nights and shady days can't hide it anymore;
no one knows what I really feel anymore. I say it loud and proud:
"Im fine, Im all fine and dandy these days now."
And no matter what I say,
only my heart knows that my mouth is lying.

Oh, I figured this concoction would do.
You took enough life out of me with ease. The temptress you are has no soul.
Red lipstick with that black dress fitted to your frame.
You are original sin in the 21st century.
Smelling of sweet, spiced wine, leaving me enticed.
I daresay your kiss left something else to be desired;
the rest of you.
In secret times,
I wondered if you were a vampire the way you sucked my love dry.
Now I see with clearer eyes your true form;
a succubus amongst us mortals.

Oh oh oh,
Im done drinking for two.
Take your own dose as you cry in slumber.
They say a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down and
no truer words have ever been recorded from my experience.
I can take my poison with dignity and slight joy hearing you call my name out to the clouds,
even they know what you never wanted to come...
Im never coming back home to you.
A pain upon us both, yet
a hidden pleasure I underhandedly enjoy.

Later Days

I Think Im Ready to Go

I hope God gives me the strength to get through these last two months.
They haven't really been stressful, just tiresome and stretched in nature.
I know I want to leave this school for sure.
Im ready to go.

But Im not sure where to.
I want to go to Temple,
yet I feel it would impose on my dear friend Gary.
He welcomes my ambition with open arms, although there is still an air of uncertainty in his expression.
 It may just be a constructed illusion, I dont know. Im not one to read into the vexing matters of puzzlement.
All in all,
Im waiting for this financial aid to kick through and give me more money, so I can pay out this semester in full and be on my way.
Come next semester, there wont be anything but light farewells and crocodile tears for my departure from Maryland; this dead-end state.
I have seen firsthand how this place can usurp one's soul if you linger here to long.
At first it'll seem like the safest choice, while
slowly becoming the sole option,
and then lastly, your own prison.
I've seen the proud grow old and weary within this concrete jungle.

I think Im ready to leave this town now before it takes me too.

Later Days

Cafe Time

You may find me butchered in a cave of my own loneliness,
waiting for something like me to come around.
All these tongues stirring in this room,
breaking and making my heart and hopes,
yet none form words that call my name.
Those eyes watching me.
They dont know me, they only know my tattoos.

Spin more spaghetti noodles to this ever heavy fork.
Trembling legs file in and out of that buffet line of life;
varieties of unnumbered people unknown, and I still wont find my own kin.
So I leave with a stomach full, but a hunger for more.

Later Days

Werewolf

I dont need this solitary society.
Wide skies with starry nights, thats what I know.
Every since I'd been introduced to the television,
I've been dead.
Theres so much more of the world out there to see.
Let me run free and infect other people with my dreams.
Towns unknown and people strange to me are littered out there.
I probably have a twin,
a father,
and greater destiny hidden in another place, waiting to be retrieved.
My moira will take me as far as I need.
What I need is everywhere.
Everything is everywhere.

Later Days

Reminded

" I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded."

I wrote this in my dorm:

I come by sometimes.
I speak with elegance and nostalgic grace.
I wish you would remember.
You listen to what I say.
You respond with empty words.
You didn't forget, you just choose to ignore.
Sometimes I hope you'd be reminded.

Later Days

Ashley.

Wow,
a lot of people are searching her name.
I guess she's upset with me for putting her name out there like that....but oh well.
If she has a problem, she can contact me.
I knew my entry "The List" would gather controversy from the start.
Aside from that,
I HATE MY SCHOOL.
IM LEAVING.

That is all.
Later Days

Holding My Breath

Aye!
Sup world.
Hope everything been good.
As for me...
well, its ok.
Could be better of course.
Im on Spring Break and I kicked it off with a trip to Temple to hang with my bro again.
It was a great weekend.
Met new people, dranked new things, and just lived it up ya know?

Then I came home.

I felt fine all the way up until I got in the house.
It just hit me with no reason,
no regard to my environment,
nothing.
Feels like a rhino is crashing through my head and my heart.
I can't tell you where my mind is right now.

Im not sure if Im missing the high or genuinely wanting to stay there.
Temple, im talking about of course.
I dont think I can bottle Maryland anymore.
This head rush extends past my room, my house,
UMBC, and all these small places.
They are all small in comparison to MD.
It feels like Im holding my breath when Im here.

Is leaving this place a dream?
Cause if it is, I either need to take the escape or buy a crutch to keep me from running away.
Im not sure though...
is it the high, the lies, the bliss, or something I really miss.
Can it be something I really need to go for?
I always talk about taking the moment, but is this right ?

Im trying to explain what Im feeling, yet I cant.
No words for this one.

Later Days

UMBC Thoughts

I feel so loud here.
I feel louder than the students.
I feel louder than the school.

Majority of people here are studious.
They will study Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
and Sunday.
Not for a test.
Not for a quiz.
Just to.

I think I want to escape.
I think I know the way,
but I dont have the support to pull away from this place.

I cant see myself graduating here.

My roommate says "There's stuff to do here, you just gotta look around or make your own fun."
I tried.
I failed.
I tried 5 times.
I failed 5 times.
Now I want a change.

Later Days

All of The Lights

How many times have I been absorbed in this shine?
We can do anything we want in them
and when they go away,
we dont know our way.

They speak to us in clear whispers.
I can't leave them.
It has a life of its own,
living out its desire with my body.
Im not the only victim of this bliss;
everyone in the club are too.

This whole street strip may cause me a seizure.
Its going fast,
too fast for me to see.
The lights dont want me to see without it.
It sedates me.
"More drinks, looser girls."
It orders more and they distract me.
No one believes me.
I keep telling them....

"Just look at it. Can't you hear it? Doesn't it call you too?"

Im not crazy.
It speaks to me.

Don't get caught in them
or they'll take you too.

Later Days

Monster

Its not a condition.
Its an addiction, a way of life, and a sad memory.

When you can't remember how many people you've slain,
its becomes a problem too.
All their faces in one mixing blur.
I cant let it go either because
I wished for this.
A long time ago, this was the only thing I heard about from my friends.
This act...
the power that came with it.
I wanted to live that out.
I never experienced it until 11th grade and then it was all uphill from there.
The monster was born.
I will never forget the surge of energy from my first kill, never.
Exiting that house with new found strength.
Oh, how little did I know.
No one told me the power was temporary.
When it wore off, I always wanted more.

It isn't a casual activity;
it can become a lust
and a craving.
Those guys who introduced me to this thrill didn't even know their selves...
there's a hunger for more.
We were good guys who just got caught up in horrible deeds.

Now I ravage the victim with endless thrusts and twirl my tongue wherever they flinch in pleasure.
Theres no end, sadly.
It will only grow worse over time too.
There can only be growing numbers, there's no decrease.
If I could start clean with a new slate, I dont think I would deny the chance.
My monster wont let me go.
My monster wont let them go.
It only wants more.

When the faces are too many to recall
and the moments are all recorded in dark rooms,
where do you draw the line?
How do you defeat the creature when you yourself enjoy the thrills?

Later Days

Charlie Sheen

Hey world.
How are ya?
Whelp, Im ready to destroy this weekend.
Got all the players and the setting.
I feel like Im on my Charlie Sheen, Im just winning.
I gotta couple death-wishes, fewer road blocks, and I
lost a couple friends, but it was cool.
We keep going.
I got one gear, one speed....its all go.

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain"---Charlie Sheen

Later Days

Nega-Dominick

We all have it in us.
No matter what anyone tells you, theres only two sides to who you are.
The positive.
The negative.
Villian.
Hero.
Protagonist or antagonist.
Dominick
and
Nega-Dominick.

I want to come to terms with my Nega personality.
That part of me that has warped some of my memories,
granted me overwhelming anger in the face of someones cries,
and has broken me down to somebody that I didn't want to be.
Someone who no one should've ever seen.
It all just comes from stress, ya know?
A stressful past and irritating present doesn't do well on the soul.
So I take an escape and no...
alcohol doesnt dim this pain.
I just become someone else.
Everything I never wanted to be.
It takes its toll on those who come across its path.
I dont know why I refer to it as a "thing" when the "thing" is me,
but it doesnt feel like it.

Yet who (or what) is Nega-Dominick?

Angry and pessimistic (first and foremost).
A hedonist.
A liar.
Faults, flaws, fears, and one big fight in himself.
He's the one who attacks while he's hurt.
Even if he defeated the world,
he would still have to beat himself.
And thats the difference between my two sides:
he beats himself up constantly over things that were out of his control,
I dont.

At the end of the day,
all I need is my friends, family, lil bit of pocket change, and hope.
He only has regrets and blood on his hands.
Everyday.

I try my best to keep that part of me at bay.
Im doing pretty well here and there with the task.
For now.

Later Days

Todd Ingram

"You know what? 
Im a rock star.
I do what I want."

Later Days

The Human Insecurity

I wonder if my lack of apathy for things has become my downfall and my trademark?
Today I was talking to an old friend and she said she liked my personality.
"Jackass personality?", I responded.
"Yeah...dont change it", she said.

That struck me.
Im not sure why though.
As all my friends and I get older, we are growing up...flat.
Point blank.
Most of my pals are getting committed and other stuff of "adult" stature and Im not sure if they are just growing into it naturally or just faking it.
From what they tell me in secret, they're faking it,
but they present this public image that differs from their public actions.

When I step back from the image I act on in the world, sometimes I get to thinkin'
and wondering if my two worlds are separate:
who I appear to be
and
what I really am.
I really wish I had the courage to go up and ask a stranger what they thought of me from appearance, but as I said... Im not brave enough to ask.

I D K....

On a side note,
I find it hard to believe that someone can make me happy.
I find it harder to believe that I can make someone happy.
Just my mind frame at the time.

Later Days

All I Need

Hmm, well UMBC is getting kinda better.
But I still wanna transfer.
I gotta couple of homies up here, yet I still want more.
All I need is a pack.
Oh well, short entry.
I gotta stop listening to Waka, he hurts my head.

Later Days

What Im going to do > What I've done

"A kiss is just a kiss until you fuck that bitch."----Dominick H.

I dont know why I made that quote.

As time goes by, things will work out for the better in the end.
I can only step back and just say a couple things before I take that next step:
Fuck Mel, but I wish her the best.
Fuck college, but Im going to finish it.
Fuck Elena cause they said I couldn't bring myself to break it.
Fuck the world, Im meant for more than reality.
Fuck Jill. Even though she cant see it, I can.
Lets get to work.

Later Days

My fear

Submerged into brisk, clear water

No one can hear my struggle.

Surrounded by creatures and beings who find delight with my lost of power

And the fact that I wont survive.


I can only remember all those days spent on watching other people waste time

And Im the one drowning.

Did anyone remember me when they looked back at the good times?

A question that can never be answered I suppose...

So here it goes.

I'm dead.

__________________

Later Days

Valentine's Day for Sick Hearts

Go ahead for the sake of the night,
Rip another artery from my open chest.
It wouldnt matter anyway.
Im at the end of my rope and like always,
Im alone.
Fuck my heart,
It did me no use anyway because
When I gave my love to a female who I thought would hold it dear,
She sunk her canine teeth into my throat, so I couldn't scream.
Then she took the love I presented to her and laughed at its insignificance in her life.

Far from miserable and never the type to cry
I just let go by keeping it inside.
__________________________

I was in love with Jill from 10th grade and to this day she doesnt even remotely love me back, yet still taunts me from afar.
I loved Mel, but she left me for someone else who her parents like.
I loved Amellia, but anything I do isnt enough; even when I was willing to go out with her and throw away the "single" life I've lived for like 2 or 3 years.

Fuck Valentine's Day.

The Lifestyle

Gunning out of our respective homes,
my right hand and I set out on the town.
Pure clouds and blue skies soon meet darkness when we arrive.
Its the lifestyle;
our joy and our pride.

You only live once they say, so
we make sure we are always the last ones standing.
After all the drinks are gone and people's parents start calling their babies back to the den,
we're still raging the party at full throttle.
To travel this world,
you only need a half tank and working cellphone.
You never know who you'll see next out here.
I swear its beautiful some nights.
Its the lifestyle we're accustomed to.
You treat her right and she'll make you a king under silhouettes and starry nights.
As long as you swore sleep an enemy,
everything would be ok.
We were kissed by temptresses and hailed as "Lords of the Ping Pong Table".
It was always a great time because we always made it the right time.
Little did we know,
oh how little did we know.

There was no end to those eternal nights.
Even when the sun was out,
we lusted for the nightlife.
Our empire grew to become a demon,
and we in turn became its monsters.
People weren't able to separate "it" and "us".
We were one now.
My love only heard stories about the beast, although that wasn't me.
Temptresses changed to clinging annoyances;
we had to plan around them,
learning how to love others without either side finding out.
I cant tell you if we were happier without "it".
We learned a lot from it,
we lost a lot from it.

It was the lifestyle.
________________________

I just had to dedicate an entry to my lifestyle.
Losing, winning, and tying.
Thats all it ever is.
It makes me sick though sometimes.
I lost someone special to it.
Cya Mel.

Later Days

Fuck College

Start a business, enlist into the peace corps, write a book...
these are things I could do besides slowly going into debt while trying to maintain a decent GPA.
I mean goddamn, I dont know if im im college because everyone says its the right thing to do or because it'll pay off in the end because I damn sure dont wanna be here on my own accord. Academia isn't exactly the path for all ya know?
I just feel like Im doing useless work just to obtain a piece of paper that says I can do a job that Im passionate about.
Then college has you taking irrelevant courses that dont pertain to your major at all (P.E., History, Psych) just to dig deeper into your pocket...and it isnt even my money!
Fuck college, I just want to write.
Fuck money, I just want to live.
Fuck society, its steering youth in all the wrong directions.
Lastly, fuck me cause Im not going to do anything about it.
Im not gonna change a damn thing and thats what pisses me off the most:
Im powerless.

Later Days

Story of My Love Life

The lifestyle.
It was all I had until I met you.
Then I knew love.

At times, I was pretty sure God was playing a joke on me when I found you.
It was unrealistic.
Unrealistic.
I was a mere mortal who sought another soul,
but often obtained a cold drink;
its only function to ensure that I couldn't feel my face.
Holding my heart into darkness,
I often came out alone.

Her very existence in my life broke a cursed cycle of hope and failure,
yet she even said what I never expected to hear:
it was unreal.
There wasn't even a "we",
just her and I...
so Im holding my heart into that darkness,
standing alone again,
waving goodbye as she walks off into a light with another soul.
The whole time I just wanted to be somewhere else.
The whole time I just wanna be someone else.

Who am I suppose to be when the person I'm in love with doesn't want me?

My Thoughts On ___________

They say the skies the limit and if I was a star,
I would be envious.
I can only imagine the mountain top of success as cold and lonely at best,
so, I gotta ask, what defines failing in life when all you hear is that everything will be alright?
Its another couple of lies dressed in luxurious phrases. Another lie they tell infants and babies before they enter the new world.
The real world.

Maybe,
we had it right from the start; that feeling of unease and anxiousness at what to do next.
Some of us knew what we wanted to do, but just not how to do it;
others had no clue.
Potential is half what you make of it and half of what you know about it.
They say the skies the limit,
but sometimes where your headed is too far.

To the Wolf

For numerous nights you've kept me awake and energetic under a garnished moon and nagging universe that could care less about my petty existence.
For granting me aggression and unparalleled insight to understand inhibitions that most wouldn't dare live out.
What would I have done during those days and nights?
When everyone held their head up high around me
and I let my head drop in a hopeless fashion;
you didn't let me yield to their haughty words or cursing minds.
God is my faith,
poetry is my skill, but you...
you are my muse.
You, my friend, are the invisible shadow that looms over my human vessel and endow my actions with feral force.
From inciting fear in my enemies,
to mauling the caitiff nature I once knew,
here's to you:
a being of wild,
a state of mind,
and the juggernaut of night.
To the wolf.

Later Days

The Potential

"Tell me what you regard as your greatest strength, so I will know best what to undermine you. Tell me of your greatest fear, so I will know what I must force you to face. Tell me what you cherish most, so I will know what to take from you. And tell me what you crave, so that I might deny you."

Later Days

Weapon X

"I'm the best there is at what I do. But what I do best aint nice."


You know that feral aspect of your personality that society rejects and you secretly embrace when your all alone?
Thats me incarnate.
Hey,
my name is Dominick,
codename: Weapon Omega, Tarzan, or Kid Feral.
Nothing less, always more.

Later Days

A Lil' R&R (Robitussin and Red Bull)

Hmm,
Whats new with me?
Well:
I lost my job because of school,
Im starting to write a book,
and school will be awesome.
Once again,
Im the new guy on campus, so I dont know anyone.
Nights are sometimes spent in my dorm glued to my computer or
out with my roommate and his friends just trying to get situated into a clique.
The usual.
I aint trippin though.
If it go good today, I do the same thing tomorrow.

Later Days

Letters to Dad

Dear Dad,

How have you been? Its been 18 years and Im still here, holding it all down. Im in college and boy oh boy... the whole journey to this point has been one hell of a ride. The coaster isnt even over either! I learned how to ride a bike, drive a car, put on a condom properly, shave, and other guy stuff on my own. It was just me and....well me. You know mum would help as best as she could, but she can't get it all with somethings. She got a big heart. You knew that. Honestly though, between me and you...I could've been a better son to her. You wouldnt understand though. Stuff justs get in the way and well.... thats a conversation for another day.

I feel like I gotta tell you some stuff. You'll understand where you stand in my book by the end of it. Its things thats been locked in my brain for years and I feel like you should hear me out:
I dont know how old I was when I figured you wouldn't come home. A part of me hoped that I would be able to know the two halves that made me whole. My mum's life didn't seem too open and free, so when I was younger, I dreamed you were the wilder side I always sought after.When I was like 7 or 10, my mind went crazy with the possibilities that you were a goverment agent, explorer, or whatever seemed exciting during that time. Deep down, I hoped you would come around and tell me of a greater destiny that I had to uphold. You would crash through that apartment door in Woodlawn and pick me up with one arm saying, "Im sorry son." Then, it would all be forgiven from there. The love would reappear in an instant and we would be a family with a purpose. Something like a Cinderella story come true, but you know...just not with white people or a glass slipper. You were suppose to be the magic that lifted my life to something more than I knew. Can you picture it through my own eyes? Another family, another legacy, a whole new world (no Aladdin reference) for me to embrace, with open arms and eternal love. It would've all come with you, but things didn't work out that way. Guess it was for the best.
You didn't really leave me with any last words, so I took it upon myself to say hello and I want you to know that Im not angry anymore. I used to be, almost every day, but I let it go. We good.

Aside from that, nothings really bothered me, except or Father's Day. Thats my little weak spot, yet I take the day in stride. I hope you doing great wherever you are. I want to do good by a lot of people and I can say you are one of them. I want to do what you do, but since I dont know you, I can only make guesses at what that is. On some side notes, dont worry... these females aint trippin' me. G and I got that on hand and these niggas out in the streets aint stressin' me either. Im keeping to the sky with my head, aint looking down no time near at all. Im keeping mum safe too. No fretting.

Theres a lot more I want to say, but its getting late and I gotta get ready for class tomorrow, so goodnight. Im gonna do my best, shooting for better than success.

Thanks for the genes,
Your only son.

---------------
Rough draft for my memoir
Later Days

Moving Backwards

Man,
I gotta start re-reading my own blog posts. Sometimes it feels like Im moving backwards, but I do catch myself.
Forgot what legacy I've written, in favor for momentary annoyances.
Im fucking Dominick and those girls be saying the same.
Later Days

Oh Green World

You need me here.
You count on me to bring peace to the life your in
Digital beeps blaring in radio transmissions,
signaling some cops around the area nearby... drowning out your tears.

"Come home."
Thats all you see now-a-days and you just want to run away.
Girl,
you wanna see the world.
Oh green world.
Take a ride on the wild side
and you'll never go home.

Feral children who never learned to speak.
Can it be?
Can we be it?
Only the world has eyes that see us.
So it watches us light cigarettes and blunts on it's chin.
Its only me and you.
Why would we ruin it with company?

Later Days

Maybe You Can Have It All

Yeah buddy!
Im ready to tear through the real world with iron claws.
I know a lot of people who haven't found themselves yet and Im happy to not be in there bracket.
Honestly,
I dont know what I want, but I know who I am.
Joseph Campbell once said "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are" and
I couldn't agree more.

A girl once told me to stop walking around town with a smirk on my face.
My mum hid my Chuck Taylors one night because she thought I could never slow down.
People try to tame their spirits too much for my taste,
although it never shows.
I'm learning the rules, so I know how to break them properly.
Its just a crazy phase I'm having....
Im hoping to make it a habit;
a habit to live by.
When there's no one to stop you,
who can limit your reach?
I gotta tell ya,
life's so much sweeter when you take the risks.
Now, I don't know anything but seizing the moment.

They say you can't have your cake and eat it too, but
what if one day you woke up
and figured out they were wrong.
Just maybe,
maybe you can have it all.
------------------------------------------
I needed that vacation.
Shout-out to my people at Temple...
yall did more than yall even know.
Later Days

Untitled Grenade Thoughts

Where did I begin?
I started when my mum stopped feeling like a mother and
right about that time when I knew my father would never come back home.
I began with that first MTV music video of some white guys stringing blaring guitar cords and shouting words of freedom, chaos, and energy.
From there it was uphill.
I started off emo and then went full blown unhinged.
My society never accepted me.
My home was always cold because my mum left me alone.
I started at the end,
so where did I begin?

Later Days

I dont care anymore

Man,
Im going to be a bachelor forever.
Fuck trying to settle down.
I try and try, but some shit always happens.
Maybe its not meant for me and ya know what?
Im not gonna fight it.
This time,
Im staying in the jungle.
Its the only place that accepts me.
Fuck love, appreciation, and stability.
All I know is lust, rage, and chaos.
My favorite cups of tea.

Later Days

One Lost World

Where do the teenage dinosaurs and misfits roam?
I myself could never fit in, so does that mean I have to stand out in the rebel cold?
Doesn't standing out have its own code and cliques?
Yeah, it does. Just looser rules and brighter clothes.
I dig my teeth into quirky threads and witty comments created on the spot because
no matter what they say,
we are all still kids tryna grow up.
Im in a prehistoric type of mind when everyone looks forward to the future.
In my own world with miracle eyes.

Later Days

Life is wonderful...but why?

Im ready to go to UMBC.
I know it might be challenging, but I can pull it off with a B+ and better in all classes.

Aside from that, Im a charizard.
Later Days

"You are starting to become more predictable"

I dont know what to do.
I know why I do what I do.
I get why I am who I am,
but whats my problem?
I have a problem keeping people close.
I can openly admit that the person who wants (or wanted) me I deny most
and what I want I cant have.
Its fucked up,
but whats worst is the fact that I know whats going on.
I have my reasons for not going with what wants me.
Its all in my heart, yet Im just tired of not getting who "I" want.
Aside from that emo crud,
I guess Im starting to become more predictable, so says someone.
Case point right there.
Am I losing myself or am I already lost?
I regret soo much, its crazy.
Well, in regards to females.
I could've been happy... a longgg time ago,
but I think it would've been too early for it.
Yes.
I think it would've been selfish to be happy with someone early in life.
You dont learn lessons, heartache, and a crud more if your happy early on.
I know Im wrong and right, but it just seemed like I would be living a naive life.
I just dont know anymore.
Its getting about that time in life where you settle and I burned all my bridges in some way...
if it wasnt the four loko can that summer night then it was just my antics.
Where is the silver lining in this storm?

Later days

Stats

I've been alive for 18 years
and got my license when I was 17.
Theres $16 in my wallet,
15 seconds left until my hot pocket gets out of the microwave,
and only 14 years I've lost to naivety.
13 minutes ago I was walking around naked in my house,
yet when I was 12 I had a cat named Simba who I loved more than anything.
There is 11 people in my immediate family,
10 reasons Im an ass to females, and
9 places you catch me when im in the world.
I own 8 pairs of shoes and
7 is my favorite number.
The number 6 reminds me of the devil,
although I have faith in 5 things.
I've hidden in 4 girl's closet,
I have 3 tattoos,
maybe drink about 2 times a week,
and get around the world in 1 car.

Goddamn, I love life.
Later Days

The Shadow In the Mirror

My birth was a deathwish.
I dont even understand why I get up in the morning.
Society has been soo brainwashed, its ridiculous.
If I have to start anywhere, I would start with race.
African Americans have been taught mostly everything by Europeans.
Think about it...
We were introduced to God (Christianity) during slavery times because the Europeans exposed us to it.
We used to believe in deities in our home land,
so is my religion a lie?
We (using race again) believe in making it on our own, but
if you look back to our roots, we preached community and helping one another,
so are my goals jaded?


On a more global matter, who says we have to do anything? Why do I get up in the morning and try? People in my life have been telling I gotta make it, but why? Everyone places so much emphasis and pressure on making it in the world. The profession I seek wont gain me 6 figures, unless I make a book that gets adapted into a popular movie. Honestly, I dont like the pressure. In a world of pill poppers and gang bangers, Im just want to find my place among the poets, but even then that doesn't generate financial stability, just inner peace.
If I dont make it, do I automatically fail? Success is the main goal, but what defines success?
What makes success right? All these questions and no one can really answer them. I just dont get why we have to do anything.
I wonder if Im the only one who asks it, but....
when you look in the mirror, are you a total product of creativity or a social norm?

Later Days

Anger

My high.
The wrath that engulfs my enemies in mass confusion.
Its the energy I thrive off of when all seems wrong,
but is it healthy?
Is it safe?
I've never really questioned myself when it came to my anger hurting someone else.
My best friend, Gary, says I get stuff done when it comes,
yet Amellia says its abnormal and wholly destructive.
Im pretty easy going; people know this.
Few have seen me with my eyes wide,
nostrils flared, and voice high.
I think I want to keep it that way.
Its the monster in me that I keep under wraps.
Bottled up, although its not right.
Its the monster in me which keeps me level headed.

------------------------------------------------
Its been a long break and I swear this is starting to feel like the real world.
Later Days